So lost right now…please help

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  Ahhhhh! … he sounds like my controlling psychotic ex. He has huge jealousy and anger issues. I couldn’t be in a marriage where I was constantly threatened with divorce and being kicked out of my own home. That is just completely horrible. I don’t ever tell people to leave their marriages, but this doesn’t sound healthy- I hope you guys can try counseling or something together. 

Sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a very insecure person.

Post # 4
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  I know every bee says this to every poster who has an issue with her husband but really…. you guys need to go to therapy. He needs to get over his past and realize that just because he was cheated on before, doesn’t mean YOU are going to cheat on him. You both need help communicating. Really, he’s lashing out at you because he feels insecure. That is really not that hard to work past if he wants to change. 

Post # 5
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  He’s using his guilt, insecurity, and threats to control you and you deserve way better than that (either with him or without him).  He has issues (fear of gold digging, past cheating, etc.) that he came into the relationship with.  They’re not you’re issues even though he’s trying to make them yours.  Give counseling a try, but ralize that his pre-judging what you may or may not do is based on his past experiences and he has to deal with those rather than try and put them on you.  You are not his past relationships and you should not be compared to them.  You are right that these are issues that can be fixed, but at the root they are not your issues and he has to be willing to work on them.  If he is unwilling to do that then he may not find a girl better than you, but you can find a guy better than him.

Post # 6
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You could be describing my ex from many years ago.  He was extremely possessive and if I talked to any men, did not matter who, when we’d get back home, he’d accuse me of wanting to fuck them (his word) and calling me a whore.  I put up with this crap for 4 long years.  You’re wise to move out before he gets violent, which happened to me. 

 

Post # 7
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  You already know what you should do. You were in denial about his behavior before you were married because you “loved” him.

Now, reality is sinking in.

He agrees and attends counselling or you stay walked. And, you don’t move back until you see some progress in counselling.

Post # 8
Member
5204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Ykes.  For me at the very least I’d require a temporary seperation in which he has the opportunity to do some personal counceling and you guys can do some couples counceling.  He would need to prove to me that he has the desire and the capacity to change his ways, and that he knows he is wrong.

It would be hard for me to stay in a relatinoship like that, because even if he does change now, this kind of behavior is in his nature and I’d always be worried that a few more years down the line he’d slip back into it.

Post # 9
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  first, I’m sorry you have this going on. I think you have it. If he is willing to address the issue and his anger then great! I am all for not disrespecting partners wishes but his are unreasonable and you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m a big advocate for respect and leaving you at the bar and texting ” where the eff are you” would be enough for me to know something is wrong:/ other than his anger. He isn’t respecting his wife and that’s not acceptable. I think telling him you are upset with his behavior and it is salvageable if he makes the moves to correct it. then during counseling you can go further in to his issues and make your decision then. I hope it works out for you. I do think every marriage is worth fighting for if you both want it.

Post # 10
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

You have a degree in psychology, and yet you think that he can change?  I’m not so sure…  About five years ago, I ended a 17 year relationship with a man who behaved the same way (anger issues, jealousy, accusing me of whoring around, abuse, the whole shiz); it got progressively worse over the years.  It sounds to me like your husband might be suffering from paranoid personality disorder.  And it is virtually impossible to treat.

My advice?  Run like hell, girl.  ‘Cause he won’t ever change.

 

Post # 11
Member
49 posts
Newbee

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I work as an advocate for people in abusive relationships, and I have to express my concern about your safety (both physically and mentally) based on some of what you have shared here. A lot of what you described is commonplace in abusive relationships – jealousy, isolation, lashing out, name-calling, control, overreacting, manipulation, etc. I am glad to hear that you have left for the time being. Give yourself some time to really evaluate your relationship before talking to him again. You deserve space so you can think clearly. 

I will say that most of us trained in these issues really don’t recommend couple’s counseling initially. Joint counseling can be used by the abusive partner to manipulate and further control the situation. Your husband needs individual counseling first to work on his anger and control issues. His willingness to pursue counseling on his own may help you decipher whether or not your relationship can be repaired – if he is adamant that he doesn’t need or want to go, that indicates that he doesn’t see anything problematic about his behavior and/or doesn’t respect you or the relationship enough to do what is necessary to save it.  

I would also recommend that, when you’re ready, you seek individual counseling yourself to work through your feelings away from him. It would likely be very difficult for you to speak completely freely about the toll this verbal abuse has taken with him sitting right next to you in a counseling session. If you’d like to PM me and let me know what area of the country you’re in (if you live in the US) I may be able to recommend some local agencies that provide abuse-specific counseling/support.  

ETA: Just wanted to include this diagram, which you may be familiar with as a psych student. These abusive patterns are so common that there’s a standardized diagram for them.

 

 

 

And a diagram on the cycle of abuse:
 

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  I would walk.  End of story.  

He has some major issues (he sounds like my ex, in terms of jealousy), and it sounds so severe– that I would count on couseling to smooth things over.

Normally, I’m a fan of trying to work it out.  But he sounds VERY unreasonable.

I’m so sorry!! 

Post # 13
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@DVhelp:  You are awesome!  You’ve explained succinctly what I was trying to get across.  And you did it with a helluva lot more tact.

Post # 14
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  i am so sorry that you are going through this.  

i don’t know if he will change.  people like that normally don’t want to change b/c they think that nothing is wrong with them.  all of their problems are due to someone else who has a problem. 

i dated a guy like this.  you’re right, it’s like walking on eggshells every day.  you can’t be happy.  you really do deserve better.  leave and find someone who actually respects and appreciates you.

he really does need some individual therapy.

Post # 15
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@DVhelp:  Wow, great advice. Thanks for sharing!

Post # 16
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Whatwouldyoudo999:  You say you know it can be fixed, but it can be fixed only if he is capable and willing to change. I would not go back until he has begun counseling. Not when he says he will, not when he makes an appointment, but only when his actions show lasting commitment to change. Until then, stay strong <3

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