I am in such a TOUGH and emotional situation. My wedding is Feb. 16 2013...I don't even know how to begin this to make any sense. OK, My Fiance' and I have been engaged for a year now...I lived away and moved back to be closer to him...Everything was amazing of course and then about 5 months later he proposed on my birthday. First let me tell ya'll HE has been married before and has a child..(well his ex wife has moved on and now remarried with a new baby) GOOD FOR HER...anyways, Our families have known each other since they were in hs..so we all go so far back..Like all couples we have are differences and don't see eye to eye at times..now it's almost all of the time...After he proposed I believed that it was A green light to go ahead and start the planning process...booked all vendors..photographer, videographer, wedding planner, lighting company, linens, Couture flowers, dream dress, Award winning Cake decorator, Venue, Church, THE WORKS...I went above and a little far beyond my dreams because my parents told me they wanted me to have everything I could ever imagine..(yea that everything has resulted into a $106,000 dollar wedding..pretty much a production)..well with that said DURING our engagment He Quit his job...didn't try to hard to seek another until just recently and it's comission based meaning NO quarantee's...He went through his savings and retirment already at the age of 33..I cancelled the wedding once and we worked through it with support and love...So he promised he would do anything to be able to provide not just for me but for of course his son...well as of right now he has 3,000 to his name total...NO ambition, lack of confidence, and is alright with just making it...(best/worst is that he's living rent free in a dangerous area WITH his NOSEY mother next door that has no regard for privacy. I love and adore him but am beginning to resent the fact that he is just laid back and doesn't have a plan...HE JUST told his mom last week that he's scared to have a wife and son because financially he can't do it (he's HAD 10 months to try)...we spoke at length the other day AFTER all I have planned and I asked him to be mature and honest to me if he truly loved me by letting me know if we really can't start a life financially together..he just looked down and said NO..I am so angry he sat there and gave his input with the finalization of contracts and minor details and practicing our first dance...HE allowed me to believe and use my father's money knowing that he couldn't do it...(back tracking the story...I've been through a lot of near death experiences some accidents and some personal that I over came by GOD'S purpose for me) my fi is the person I am supposed to run to for protection emotionally, physically, etc..and he ends up being the one that hurts me the most) This may not make sense because I'm rambling and don't know what to say or do BUT I've done everything to make this work on my end and he has taken it forgranted because he is not reassuring) ...I am 4 wks exactly until the event day and I DON'T know what to do...he's so laid back and not assertive that I think he's wanting me to call it because of his character he doesn't want to be the one to say he did....he's amazing at playing the victim....I have to make a decision and respect myself ...it's hard it's very hard but I don't think he's given me many choices. ADVICE please.
Well, you have to be honest with yourself if you're okay with financially supporting him. If you have the resources and you are both okay with it, I see nothing wrong with that as long as he cooks, does the housework, etc. He would probably be happier if he also found some constructive hobbies to fill his time (not videogames... something more like woodworking where he has an actual product to show at the end). Once you have children he could be a stay-at-home parent if your income is more stable. Have you thought about this or talked about it with him at all? Was he very unhappy at his old job and does his new commission-based one make him happy? If so, I think you should support him in it. I have a job with very unreliable pay, but it's what I love doing and my fiance believes in it too so he is happy to support me even when I am not making a lot. It often seems like women aren't willing to do that for their men though.
If you do decide not to marry him, I'd imagine you'd lose most of your money. Could you still have a big party with all your friends/family anyway? If you break it off with him, you'll need a distraction, though I'm not sure emotionally what was supposed to be your wedding would be the right one. But it's a thought!
Otherwise you might be able to sell it at a place like this: http://www.bridalbrokerage.com/
He has no ambition...he is ok with setteling...allowing me to even carry things that are way beyond what I can and then after I fall and once break my nose ask if I need help...(where is the gentalman)...My dad is an influential person in our community and has gone above and beyond to help him BUT we later found out he wasn't getting call backs with his accounting degree because he posted false information...His mother is another story (she will barge in when we r waking up and ask if we are decent ..weird...I catch her staring out of her blinds and if I happen to leave she calls him to ask if we argued...she can't even lift a finger..she'll purposly call in the middle of date night so that we can take food hm to her..WRONG)...he talks to his ex wife w more respect then I have ever received...he cuts me down and makes me feel so be littled...he got physical once...he admitted he can't financially support a wife plus his son and bills...but he couldn't tell me that (he watched me continue to plan this rediculous wedding knowing it was not secure...I would be ok if he was a man a told me that we can't do this financially right now but we don't have to end things just postpone until he can find security..but NO he asks me what he should do...I don't understand it)...I cant get pregnant until we're able to make it so that's cheating me out of that...HE JUST RECENTLY told me this after a year of wedding planning...I'm hurt.
I don't think you deserve to be treated so poorly. I'm sorry you're going through this
Why did he quit his job in the first place?
I wouldn't be able to deal with someone like that.
There's NOTHING wrong with the woman being the "bread winner" but if a couple needs BOTH people to be working, that's a completely different story. You need him to be financially responsible to help out, and he doesn't sound like he really wants to do that.
I think your options are limited. You can either accept him for who he is (unambitious and lazy) or you can break it off and find someone who is goal-oriented, driven and motivated!
You could try couples counseling and see if that helps, but I would definitely hold off the wedding until these problems get resolved. **hugs**
In all honesty, I would kick this guy to the curb. I'm not OK with marrying someone who isn't concerned about our future enough to get off his lazy ass and start making some plans. It's not like he needs to be a corporate CEO, but he DOES need to want to provide for both you and his child. Having no ambition is a serious turn off for me and I wouldn't be OK with marrying someone who wants me to do all the work/preparing for our future together. He needs to grow up!
I feel SO worthless even though I know I am not...Thank you girls for commenting I just I truly am so at loss for words because it's so complicated...it hurts..but even though we don't know each other..ya'lls words speak volumes...is there a chat system to instant message on here...I know it's rediculous but I wanna share my crazy Idea's and make sure I am respecting myself because I can't do it all it's sooooo hard...damn it
I don't think either of you are on the same page. To me it sounds as though he might be a little depressed and depressed people can be self-centred (not all depressed people but some). I get the vision of a sinking ship with him. If you hook your ship to his then your also going down.
It would be an ideal scenario if he could be the "stay at home dad" but he isn't in that frame of mind either. He just doesn't want to do anything by the sounds of it. Its almost like he's given up and not wanting to move forward in his life.
All that aside; you said that he got physical with you once. That's one to many times in my books. Walk away because situations like this RARELY get any better. They tend to slide further into an abyss before eventually hitting rock bottom. I wouldn't wait for it to do this if I were you.
I only have today..JUST ONE day of a dream I created for ONE night and it's unbelievable...David tutera and preston bailey were a part of my creation because I asked them to be and they helped my vendors..i'm not being snobby I was wanting to give my FH a dream that WE BOTH deserved and today I HAVE to make that decision...none of ya'll have any instant messanging..I need help i really do
Firstly, you are NOT worthless, but it sounds like your FI is going through one of those crisis times that everyone goes through in life. Is there someone that could have a good, long, stern talking to him? Someone he trusts and would respect their opinion - your dad maybe? You need to put a list of all the things you're not getting from him that you need and force him to be a man and address then. #1. I would like you to make a decision what you will do with your life. Stay at home dad is fine, but I need to know. Do you need more training/school? If so, what? What are your visions for your professional future? #2. Do you have the same vision as me with this wedding AND marriage? #3. We need to address the issue of your mom: here's my problems with her. What do you say? How can we fix it? #4. He needs to look after his son; how is he planning to do this? And, what's this about being physical with you?? Oh no, that's not going down at ALL and you need to address this (I don't know the circumstances so can't comment but nothing is ok in my book).
If he's not willing to answer the hard questions, then he's not man enough to be a husband and I would cut all contact and go on with your life. I know this is MUCH harder than writing it, but in the long run you will be much better off and it sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family who can help you.
*hugs* You deserve so much better!
...And I love Texas so so so much. Can you at least tell me where in TX you were planning to have the wedding so I can drool? lol.
@TinaJade: CHECK to all of the above and NOTHING has changed...OK I will say it...straight up...IF I did not have this platinum dream wedding and I was still in the engaged phase with no concrete plans and payments done...I would have walked away 7 months ago..I guess benefit of the doubt has been given a time too many...I AM AT A LOSS and it's a sucky situation...do u have any sort of messanger...fb...anything..I NEED to hear it?/. oh SOUTH TX
I married a doormat, and I divorced a doormat. If these traits bother you now, they will only magnify down the road. Put the wedding on hold. I should note that in the past year, about 2 years after our divorce, my ex has really started showing signs of ambition and motivation, so it's possible to grow up and make changes. But your FI has to want to do these things, and it sounds like he doesn't. Honestly, I'd consider walking, but at a minimum, do not walk down the aisle until you are confident he currently is the husband you want and need.
@heatherhef5: IF I did not have this platinum dream wedding and I was still in the engaged phase with no concrete plans and payments done...I would have walked away 7 months ago..
Honestly, seeing that is a pretty clear sign to me that even you don't want to get married. I would move on at this point, and hope that you can negotiate for some of your money back from the vendors (which may be tough since you're less than a month away).
You haven't mentioned any reason that you want to marry him in your posts other than to say how much money, planning, etc. has been put into your 'dream wedding'. A wedding and a marriage are two different things. Once your dream wedding is over, you will still have all of the same issues you had before. At this point, you should cut your losses and move on. It doesn't sound like you have any interest in making a life with this person--just reasons why you *don't* want to.
yes it's a crazy dream platinum wedding that i was led to believe could occur because of his false hope...I would have easily gotten married in vegas or by my father who is a state judge for free but I wanted us to live the fantasy that I was led to believe was true to life....i don't put on this fake face and think i need to have the best of this and that because fortunatley I CAN but w us he expects it and knows i'll deliver but THE LOVE is what I was cherishing..being married and blessed by GOD in church and then platinum wedding...at this point...i'd go to vegas if he would step up to the plate and tell me straight up this is the way it is BUUUTTT he's so submissive and lazy that he won't even do that he wants me to make that move so that he can wash his hands of it and say "oh Heather did it ..not me"
BUUUTTT he's so submissive and lazy that he won't even do that he wants me to make that move so that he can wash his hands of it and say "oh Heather did it ..not me"
It is clear that you've lost respect for him, and that's not a good sign. Someone is going to have to be the adult here and make the call; since it's clear it's not going to be him, then you will have to step up just like he wants. Find a man who will be your partner in life, not a whiny man-child that you have to babysit and financially support.
as much as I hurt and am in disbelief it HURTS and he's at his mom's house asleep CLUELESS as to what is going on because I'm 3rd on his life list..his son/ex wife....momma...then me...I sound bitter but I'm just breaking into tears because he's so damn clueless and i'm hurting
Ask yourself if you want to share a life with someone who is only taking and not giving.
Think of it this way, cancelling a wedding is a lot less expensive than getting a divorce. At least you won't have to give him 1/2 of your assets!
we spoke at length the other day AFTER all I have planned and I asked him to be mature and honest to me if he truly loved me by letting me know if we really can't start a life financially together..he just looked down and said NO
It sounds to me like that's your answer and you're just having a hard time accepting it. He said No. It's time for you to cancel what you can, get back a little of the money if you can, and focus on moving on in your life. I'm really sorry.
Maybe I'm playing the devil's advocate here, but it kind of sounds like he knows he can't provide the lavish luxuries you are expecting, and has pretty much given up trying. Do you work yourself? I guess I just don't understand how someone can blow through an entire savings and a retirement account in less than one year of unemployment - unless they are really living above their means.
But at this point I think it seems obvious that you do not want to marry this man.
He might really be unambitious and lazy or he might be going through a rough time and is feeling even more down because he sees the lifestyle that you're acustomed to and knows that he can't afford to give you that.
So sorry you're going through this. It does sound like your expectations and backgrounds are mismatched, and that your fiance isn't willing to try to meet you halfway on that (or, maybe it's a confidence issue on his part that could be addressed with therapy...but the wedding is a month away and probably not worth the gamble on your part). I would go ahead and cancel things and begin the healing process....you will find happiness and have your dream wedding. Don't give up and good luck.
It doesn't sound like you love and/or respect him at all. Why are you marrying him in the first place?
Your wedding day is first of all about your marriage -- all of the flowers, decor, food, dress, etc come second to that.
Your posts are difficult to understand, but from what I got out of it, he physically hurt you in a fight? That's the biggest warning sign right there.
He doesn't sound like he wants to marry you, you don't sound like you want to marry him. At this point I would either cancel the vendor contracts and take a loss or have a big party that has nothing to do with getting married.
[Comment moderated for personal attack]
@BridieBea: Wow, you could've left it at "One dot is a full stop," without attacking. Your last sentence is uncalled-for.
Sharing the same values is one of those things that's really essential if a marriage is going to work. If you have different feelings about work, ambition, saving and spending, chances are this is going to end in divorce. I know it must feel awful to think that your parents are going to lose out on all of this money, but it really is better to cancel a wedding than to go through a (potentially messy and expensive) divorce or to be in an unhappy marriage where you don't respect your husband or share the same life goals.
Forgive me if I'm confused, but you guys don't want to get married because he doesn't have a job right now and can't support you financially?
I won't even say anything else until I have that question answered...
"OK I will say it...straight up...IF I did not have this platinum dream wedding and I was still in the engaged phase with no concrete plans and payments done...I would have walked away 7 months ago"
Well, there's your answer. Walk away.
@BridieBea: Clearly you know the grammar rules but you can't be civilized so what is the point of that? Insinuating that the OP has a 4th grade education is classless and perhaps you should spend some more time reading about how to properly interact with people instead of grammar literature.
Your dad would be much happier losing any deposits than seeing you married to someone whose life ambition and fundamental values differ so much from your own. You two are not the right match and 106k won't fix that. Eat the deposits, hold your head up, and move on!
@LadyMoriarty: So were the two other dots at the end of every sentance.
OK. As someone who is also a person of faith, who is married to a pastor, and who is probably old enough to be your mother, I'm going to give it to you straight: You KNOW what you need to do. You KNOW you not only SHOULD walk away, but also you TRULY, ABSOLUTELY NEED to walk away from this relationship. What's keeping you from doing what you KNOW you HAVE to do is the fact that you are still hoping against hope, trying to find SOME way, SOME HOW to salvage this relationship so that you can avoid losing all of the time, effort, money, and prestige associated with having this amazing, dream, platinum wedding.
You know in your heart of hearts that, if you walk away from this huge investment in this amazing production, it is quite likely that you will never, ever have access to this type of wedding again, and you just don't want to let go of this dream now that all of these resources have been spent. This is a once in a lifetime chance for you to be the fairy princess in a major production, and the thought of never having the opportunity in the future is completely unsettling to you. That's why you're trying to find some way to FIX this so that you can be happy. That's the reason you would be willing to walk away from him in a HEARTBEAT right now, IF ONLY things hadn't gotten this far.
What you need to do is to take a giant step back, and take a deep breath, and see your struggle with this decision for what it is. It's terrible that things were permitted to go this far. It's terrible that your parents are going to lose a boatload of cash on a wedding that cannot happen. And it's terrible that you're going to have to go through a painful breakup and the grief that you're going to feel by letting go of this incredible dream you've had. However, NONE OF THOSE THINGS IS WORTH RUINING YOUR LIFE. They're just not. Your life and your future and your future children's future are all more important than this platinum weddding. You need to understand and act on that.
You've mentioned instant messaging. WB doesn't have that, but it does have private messaging. I will be happy to converse with you about your situation via PM if you'd like.
Who gives a crap about a dream wedding if the marriage is going to suck? You know what made my wedding my dream wedding? The guy waiting for me at the end of the aisle.
I think you know in your gut what to do. Believe me...You can have your dream wedding later to the right guy. I called off a wedding once, and it sucked. It hurt. And you know what? I met my now husband 5 months later and have never been so happy in my life. Listen to your gut and give yourself that same chance. You're not giving up your dream wedding. You're just postponing it to wait on your dream guy to complete it.
$103,000 wedding? whoa.
anyway. you two seem to have completely different values. would the marriage last forever? odds are, it wouldn't. don't go through with it if it's just a sham. it won't work anyway. i hope you call it off and your father can get a lot of his money back...
Hi OP, just checking in to see if you're ok and if you have any update for us? Did you talk to him again and did you make the deadline you had? I think Brielle had some really super helpful insights that perhaps will help you further with your decision. Hugs!
@distracts: It's been difficult becaust yes MONEy can be an issue and if was my FI and I paying for it...it would be a different situation, because I wouldn't feel as if we hurt not only the both of us but our families finanically along the way...MONEY and DREAM weddings are AMAZING but the day after that is reality and when it comes down the last minute...I LOVE THIS MAN and we have decided to go through with it. We both never want to look back and always wonder . WHAT if. YES a BIG risk to take...but also a risk that is worth taking. THANK YOU FOR your support!
@Westwood: I don't ask for much...I have experienced the most amazing things in life, and those things are memories and experiences that I appreciate. LOVE, is priceless and YES I appreciate and need, thrive, and crave that from HIM. By the way, YES, I own a few home health as well as therapy services/business'....property etc...I'm not asking for money I AM asking for assertivness and aggression. I never want someone to lose sight of the endless possibilities in life, and that no one but you can set goals and want better for the other...I just don't want it to be expected. All in all thank you for posting in response..BUT we're doing this...IT IS worth everything and looking back wondering and asking "what if" is not what I can live with.
@LadyMoriarty: I want to let you know that your corrections on grammer, punctuation, etc. have been so enetertaining. You are truly comical. THANK YOU. HOLD ON, oh yeah I forgot these support/advice posts are for advice either positive or negative to help one another make sense of their situation. LOL, obviously this does not apply to you or your "situation", well that is if you have one. I don't care and never will about the comments about MS. ENGLISH MAJOR has made. THIS is for support NOT critisizm in that aspect. I want to say that I am sorry, Reason being is that you are a bitter person that obviously sounds as if you truly sit around and try to judge other's...BTW as you point your finger towards another, NEVER forget to turn the other STRAIGHT back at yourself. GOD BLESS YOUR HEART........ :)
Everyone else has been supportive even if not in agreement...they have all still held their respect and honesty and I appreciate that.
GOD bless you and give you compassion.
also I'M getting MARRIED STILL HAPPILY...GOD is GOOD... (find fault in that..'cause jokes on you)
I caught that part about him getting physical as well. That makes things so much worse. We can add abuser to his list of sterling qualities.
You must log in to post.
No tags yet.
Sorry, there are no users yet.
Shop Now »