so lost…need to face reality…so confused

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, you have to be honest with yourself if you’re okay with financially supporting him. If you have the resources and you are both okay with it, I see nothing wrong with that as long as he cooks, does the housework, etc. He would probably be happier if he also found some constructive hobbies to fill his time (not videogames… something more like woodworking where he has an actual product to show at the end). Once you have children he could be a stay-at-home parent if your income is more stable. Have you thought about this or talked about it with him at all? Was he very unhappy at his old job and does his new commission-based one make him happy? If so, I think you should support him in it. I have a job with very unreliable pay, but it’s what I love doing and my fiance believes in it too so he is happy to support me even when I am not making a lot. It often seems like women aren’t willing to do that for their men though.

If you do decide not to marry him, I’d imagine you’d lose most of your money. Could you still have a big party with all your friends/family anyway? If you break it off with him, you’ll need a distraction, though I’m not sure emotionally what was supposed to be your wedding would be the right one. But it’s a thought!

Otherwise you might be able to sell it at a place like this: http://www.bridalbrokerage.com/

Member
966 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you deserve to be treated so poorly. I’m sorry you’re going through this

:(

Why did he quit his job in the first place?

I wouldn’t be able to deal with someone like that.

There’s NOTHING wrong with the woman being the “bread winner” but if a couple needs BOTH people to be working, that’s a completely different story. You need him to be financially responsible to help out, and he doesn’t sound like he really wants to do that. 

I think your options are limited. You can either accept him for who he is (unambitious and lazy) or you can break it off and find someone who is goal-oriented, driven and motivated!

You could try couples counseling and see if that helps, but I would definitely hold off the wedding until these problems get resolved. **hugs**

Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

In all honesty, I would kick this guy to the curb. I’m not OK with marrying someone who isn’t concerned about our future enough to get off his lazy ass and start making some plans. It’s not like he needs to be a corporate CEO, but he DOES need to want to provide for both you and his child. Having no ambition is a serious turn off for me and I wouldn’t be OK with marrying someone who wants me to do all the work/preparing for our future together. He needs to grow up!

Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think either of you are on the same page. To me it sounds as though he might be a little depressed and depressed people can be self-centred (not all depressed people but some). I get the vision of a sinking ship with him. If you hook your ship to his then your also going down.

It would be an ideal scenario if he could be the “stay at home dad” but he isn’t in that frame of mind either. He just doesn’t want to do anything by the sounds of it. Its almost like he’s given up and not wanting to move forward in his life.

All that aside; you said that he got physical with you once. That’s one to many times in my books. Walk away because situations like this RARELY get any better. They tend to slide further into an abyss before eventually hitting rock bottom. I wouldn’t wait for it to do this if I were you.

Blessings

Member
276 posts
Helper bee

Firstly, you are NOT worthless, but it sounds like your FI is going through one of those crisis times that everyone goes through in life. Is there someone that could have a good, long, stern talking to him? Someone he trusts and would respect their opinion – your dad maybe? You need to put a list of all the things you’re not getting from him that you need and force him to be a man and address then. #1. I would like you to make a decision what you will do with your life. Stay at home dad is fine, but I need to know. Do you need more training/school? If so, what? What are your visions for your professional future? #2. Do you have the same vision as me with this wedding AND marriage? #3. We need to address the issue of your mom: here’s my problems with her. What do you say? How can we fix it? #4. He needs to look after his son; how is he planning to do this? And, what’s this about being physical with you?? Oh no, that’s not going down at ALL and you need to address this (I don’t know the circumstances so can’t comment but nothing is ok in my book).

If he’s not willing to answer the hard questions, then he’s not man enough to be a husband and I would cut all contact and go on with your life. I know this is MUCH harder than writing it, but in the long run you will be much better off and it sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family who can help you.

*hugs* You deserve so much better!

…And I love Texas so so so much. Can you at least tell me where in TX you were planning to have the wedding so I can drool? lol.

Member
1972 posts
Buzzing bee

I married a doormat, and I divorced a doormat.  If these traits bother you now, they will only magnify down the road.  Put the wedding on hold.  I should note that in the past year, about 2 years after our divorce, my ex has really started showing signs of ambition and motivation, so it’s possible to grow up and make changes.  But your FI has to want to do these things, and it sounds like he doesn’t.  Honestly, I’d consider walking, but at a minimum, do not walk down the aisle until you are confident he currently is the husband you want and need.

Member
9165 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@heatherhef5:  IF I did not have this platinum dream wedding and I was still in the engaged phase with no concrete plans and payments done…I would have walked away 7 months ago..

Honestly, seeing that is a pretty clear sign to me that even you don’t want to get married.  I would move on at this point, and hope that you can negotiate for some of your money back from the vendors (which may be tough since you’re less than a month away).

Member
420 posts
Helper bee

You haven’t mentioned any reason that you want to marry him in your posts other than to say how much money, planning, etc. has been put into your ‘dream wedding’. A wedding and a marriage are two different things. Once your dream wedding is over, you will still have all of the same issues you had before. At this point, you should cut your losses and move on. It doesn’t sound like you have any interest in making a life with this person–just reasons why you *don’t* want to. 

Member
1972 posts
Buzzing bee

@heatherhef5:  

BUUUTTT he’s so submissive and lazy that he won’t even do that he wants me to make that move so that he can wash his hands of it and say “oh Heather did it ..not me”


It is clear that you’ve lost respect for him, and that’s not a good sign.  Someone is going to have to be the adult here and make the call; since it’s clear it’s not going to be him, then you will have to step up just like he wants.  Find a man who will be your partner in life, not a whiny man-child that you have to babysit and financially support.  

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