Post # 1
I have posted about this issue before but I need some help 🙁 with what just went down…..
My FH started doing foster care 6 years ago. It just so happens his first placement was siblings of a woman he dated a few years before (more like just had sex with). Just the thought of that really bothers me. So since he knew this woman he was supervising her visits until I came along 2 1/2 years ago. She flipped when I moved in (I’m the only woman he has been serious about since he has had the kids for 6 years). The visits stopped for a few months because she was so out of control. Now the state supervises the visits once a week for 2 hours. The only reason her rights have not been terminated is because the oldest of the 2 has special needs and is very attached to her Mom unable to fully understand what her Mom did to her. I won’t go into details but she allowed them to be abused by multiple people and neglected them.
Now to the present:
I will refer to the kids mom as Bridesmaid or Best Man.
My FH was allowing Bridesmaid or Best Man to call the kids on his cell phone where she would ALWAYS say something disrespectful about me to the kids. A few weeks ago I had enough of this and finally said something to him about it. The kids are in FOSTER CARE the state has revoked her rights to have them they are in whats called continuing care with US (I have gotten my foster liscense since moving in) this means we will not legaly adopt them but they will remain in our home until they reach adulthood and she will NEVER be able to try and get them back. With that said in fostercare she is not even supposed to know our last names to avoid situations like we are in. He finally agreed to not letting her call the kids anymore.
Now to what is making me so hurt right now. Last week our 14 year old foster daughter came to me and asked if she could get her ears double pierced. I said of course you can but lets ask FH first. He said to her “Why don’t you talk to your Mom about that” which made me mad because she asked ME not her mom. But I let that go. She came back from her visit Thursday all upset because her mom said no. I had a talk with her and said if it’s something you really truely want to do I can still take you. She said she still wanted to. Legally her mom has no say as to what happens. I took her to get them done and posted on my FB which is private that she did a great job and didn’t even flinch. Somehow Bridesmaid or Best Man has hacked my FB without me knowing and found out calling my FH Tuesday leaving a long voicemail freaking out about it. Now to today. The case worker brought the kids back from the visit and informs us that Bridesmaid or Best Man accidentally let it slip that she hacked my FB account. The kids also then say Bridesmaid or Best Man has bookbags for us she’s going to drop them off later I then say in front of FH and case worker “Oh she will have to drop them off to the office” meaning DHS office. The kids said ok and went about there buisiness. After leaving I spoke to the case worker in front of FH and explained the phone situation and her saying rude things to the kids about myself on the phone etc. She agreed that Bridesmaid or Best Man should not be stopping at our house. After case worker left I told FH that if she called him he needed to inform her to leave the items at the office.
Sorry this is long………
I then take our 14 year old foster daughter to go get make up lessons and a facial. I really enjoy spending time with her. I come home go about our buisness as usual. This evening after the kids went to bed FH and I were laying together watching T.V. I then say and I know it wasn’t appropriate and I don’t ever say anything like this around the kids nor have I ever said this to BM “Did Skank Nasty call to try and drop the stuff off.” He then replies “She dropped the stuff off” I then say where to which he just says “Here”. I then just laid beside him quietly I really didn’t know what to say. I”m so non confrontational and I was just hurt and stunned. About 45 minutes go by and he now can tell something is wrong. I still say nothing. A few minutes later we were laying in bed and finally after he asks why are you giving me the look. I say I’m mad about the Bridesmaid or Best Man situation. He then says what did you want me to do. I just said didn’t we already discuss that. He then attempts to defend himself saying “She called and I didn’t answer then she texted saying she was bringing the stuff over what did you want me to do” I just didn’t say anything to him after that. Now he’s fast asleep and I can’t even think about sleep I”m sick to my stomach. This is the first time I have ever been this angry at him.
Bee’s I just need some words of wisdom encouragment. I need to know that I am not wrong that I am justified in my need to keep this crazy woman at a distance. Did I mention she has said things on her FB account which she leaves open like “I will punch that fat B**ch next time I see her” refering to me. Ugh I’m so mad HELP! Besides this my FH is really great to me ugh.
Post # 3
First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this *hugs* but in my opinion, you did nothing wrong and you only want what’s best for the children. What she’s doing is totally unacceptable and it needs to stop NOW!!! Just the fact she’s hacked into your Facebook account says it all. Obviously shes lost control of her children and feels that attacking you is one way of trying to regain at least some control but again, it has to stop. Is there someone in the foster care system you can report to and demand that all her uninvited visits stop?
I truly wish you the best on this and hope it gets resolved. God bless you and your fiance for taking on such an important role in these childrens lives.
Post # 4
Sent from my Android
you need to SPEAK UP! If your FH can’t get through to this women then you need to…or you need to have your case worker talk to her. She is over stepping her bounderies! Also you are the foster parent so she shouldn’t be buying those kids anything! Nothing!
You FH def sounds timid and like he is afraid of conflict with this women for some reason….he needs to start standing up for you and your foster children.
You guys have let this women have way too much control for way too long…its time to get your life back!
Post # 5
I agree with Ill Be Mrs B! Especially since they have some sort of history together… And she hacked into your FB?!?! I would try and talk to someone. Just tell him it’s hurting you and that you would appreciate if she can go through the office from now to drop things off or if she needs to talk to them. Someone has to put their foot down or this is going to go on for years! I’m sorry you have to go through this. It will work out!
Post # 6
I don’t have experience in foster care, but start recording things if you can so you can prove she is harassing you. I’m confused…is she their sister or their mother? Anyways, the case worker needs to discuss with her what is and is not appropriate. It shouldn’t really fall to either of you. And you need to have a discussion with him about both of you making decisions and what boundaries you need with her and how you need to be a united front for the kids. That said, the ear piercing…I think that I would have gone about it a different way. You tried to get his consent and he deflected, but then you made the decision to let her anyways without making sure he was on board…both of you need to be in agreement on these sort of things.
It seems like you are a great, loving person for these kids to have in their life and have their best interest at heart. Good luck with crazy lady and I really hope that he steps it up in not dealing with her directly. Sounds like she needs no contact with either of you and needs to go directly through the case worker if possible.
Oh and PS — Props to you for being a foster parent. It is something I have always wanted to do and hope to someday.
Post # 7
I agree with the ladies above. Be assertive with your FH, with her, and with the caseworker. Tell your FH this needs to stop immediately because it is hurting you AND the kids. There are reasons the state has taken her parental rights away and he needs to start getting a clue that what she is doing is not harmless. If he does have a clue, then he needs to grow some you-know-whats and stand up to her. “What did you want me to do?” says your FH. Tell him “I want you to tell her to stay away from our home or you’ll call the police! THAT’S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO!” Remind him that as a foster parent, he has a legal duty to protect those children and he’s not doing a good job by letting crazy pants around. If she tries anything with you, tell her you plan to get a restraining order so that her behavior will become ILLEGAL. Also, put the caseworker on notice of the severity of this problem so that if it ever escalates, they will be on your side and can possibly help mediate things.
Post # 8
Your FH needs a wake up call stat- he should be looking out for the best interests of the KIDS and you and him, not her. The fact that he is lacking the ability to set boundaries with this woman, as well as disrespecting yours in the process worries me alot for you. Its obvious he’s more interested in appeasing her, as opposed to doing whats right. You honestly need to sit him down and talk with him.
Post # 9
Honestly her behavior needs to be reported to your caseworker. She is beyond inappropriate and it needs to be on record. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I do have to ask and please correct me if I’m wrong, just curious! Darling Husband and I are actually taking classes right now bc we will be adopting through FC. We were strictly told that until FC are adopted or in some states, not ours, age of consent, we are in no way able to post pictures of them online via blogs or FB to protect their privacy and avoid situations like this.
Post # 10
@Bellanouva:this I was going to say the same thing, OP your doing a wonderful thing being there for these kids
Post # 11
that really sucks when you are trying so hard to do the right thing and give these children a happy, safe home. Can I suggest setting up a new facebook account that would make it difficult for her to find you (one of my friends who is a teacher had to do this so her students couldn’t find her! she ended up just using her nickname and a generic name). And try not to look at her fb posts anymore because she’ll always say nasty things and it’ll be upsetting, so at least if you don’t even have to read them then you can’t get upset.
But, it sounds like you are handling things incredibly well. I wonder if your Fiance ended up letting her come by because he’s a little pissed off about the ear piercing thing? I think he should have handled that better, and just sent her a message back saying ‘drop it off at the office because you know you can’t come by the house’ – seriously, that wouldn’t have been difficult! but at the same time it probably would have been better for the two of you to present a united front on the piercing thing so maybe that’s why he behaved how he did?
i understand you are upset and hope you get some sleep, maybe if you and Fiance can write down some ground rules together (like ‘she can’t come to the house. ever. no exceptions’) then it should stop this crap happening in the future because then there aren’t any ambiguities. good luck