Post # 1
Please bear with me. I am not sure how long this is going to be however I am going to try to keep it as short as I can.
A quick look at our background:
-I met my SO in July 2010 while I was on vacation. We started off as friends and shorty came to realize we really like each other. We gave the whole long distance thing a try for awhile but only physically seeing each other every few months was harder than we both thought. In August 2011 I decided to make a big move and to move to the city where he lives, when I moved I only knew 2 people here. We have had our ups and downs but what relationship doesn’t.
Now for my issue…
My SO and I were talking the other day and I flat out asked him where our relationship was going. He told me he wanted to marry me however one thing was on his mind. He told me that ever since I had a miscarriage in November of 2010 due to a high white blood cell count and an infection. My SO said he is now worried I may not be able to conceive a baby. He told me he wants to go to my next OB/GYN appt when I ask the doctor if my body is healthy enough to conceive a baby. I asked him what if it comes to be that I can not conceive and he said he didn’t know (this crushed me). He followed it up by saying he was not sure if he would resent me in the long run for not being able to have his children. I told him that is the problem was with his “soliders”, I would not go anywhere not would I resent him. Though pricey we can always try invetro and I am not opposed to adoption, he just said he wanted to wait until my doctors appt. Now that the appointment is getting closer I find myself getting sad, upset, and confused because I know that the last 3 years, my relationship, getting proposed to, and my future all depend on this answer.
I just want to know if I am being selfish for having these feelings. As much as I want to have children of my own, if something happened(because of either of us), I would not feel any type way. There are too many children who are looking for good homes to not even consider adoption as an option.
Post # 3
I don’t think either one of you are being selfish. He wants to have biological children with the woman that he marries. He’s made this very clear to you. While I don’t agree with his thinking on this, he has the right to his own opinion. The fact that he’s telling you before he proposes means he’s just being honest. Maybe this is just something that the two of you just don’t see eye to eye on. It seems like if you want to marry him, you’re going to have to get certain results from your doctor. If this is something that is going to make you sad/resentful, it’s probably something that you should consider before marrying him.
Post # 4
Instead of focusing on what he’s going to do, I think you need to take some time and think about how you want to react to this. I understand differences of opinion on wanting kids or not can (and sometimes should) be a deal breaker, but this is totally different IMO. If everything turns out fine and you can have kids, is this problem going to totally go away and everything will go back to normal? Are you going to feel secure in your relationship?
I know it’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think you really need to think about if you still want a future with him. What if something happened to you medically after you were married that made it impossible for you to have kids? Would he leave you then? Marriage means taking the bad times with the good, and based on his reaction to this I’m not sure he’s willing to do that.
And no I don’t think you are selfish for feeling this way, I would be very hurt and angry.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
No you most certainly are not being selfish.
When theres no love I can understand how no children can really be a deal breaker, I also understand how one not wanting to have children can be a deal breaker but I do not think a proposal should be conditional on whether you can have babies or not. That, to me, doesnt sound like true love.
Definitely talk to him, tell him how you feel and that his actions are causing you resent him and see if you can live with the fact that if everything had not been ok he may have left you.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, it must be so hard.
I want to let you know you’re not at all being selfish. You love your SO and want to be with him, and I would be crushed if this were happening to me. I don’t want tot say anything too judgemental because it wouldn’t be helpful to you.
I can understand that you don’t place as much importance on biological children as your SO does. That’s his right, and unfortunately even though you wouldn’t resent him for not being able to conceive with you if it were to happen, you can’t also change his mind. It might just be THAT important to him, you know?
I don’t want to say too much, just want to support you. Let us know how things go, we’re here.
Post # 7
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Waitingforthatdaywithray: You may not be able to change the way he feels about preferring a biological child over an adopted child. I would definitely make an appointment with your Ob/GYN and take him with you so he can ask questions. At least your SO is honest about his intentions and expectations. Get this resolved sooner rather than later because it sounds like it’s a dealbreaker for him. I would seriously reconsider my realtionship with this guy because ultimately if you are unable to conceive it sounds like he will leave you anyway.
Post # 9
My advice: don’t worry too much about what he said. He just wants to know what the situation is before getting married, and that is 100% responsible and ok in my books. That doesn’t mean he will break up with you if you can’t conceive. A lot of guys have it in their head that they need to conceive naturally or not at all, but when it comes down to conceiving “artificially” with the woman they love, or “naturally” with a woman they don’t, they choose the former.
Don’t worry about your relationship for now, just go to the doctor. You should do it anyways. See what the results are, then figure it out.
Post # 10
Oh and I wish you the best of luck! 🙂
Post # 11
That is HORRIBLE!
Anyone could have fertility problems and not know it until you’ve been TTC!
His desire to marry you should not be based on the condition of your eggs!
Basing your proposal on your (probably) traumatic miscarriage is HORRIBLE. Really, really awful!
Did you not suffer for that enough already?
Post # 12
I agree with most of what has been said above… I can see his point of view, but it seems to be an extremely closed minded one. Yes, if biological children is a priority, then obviously he has the right to ask you to get information about this. And it may be stressful on your relationship (or any relationship!) if you are TTC and it doesn’t happen. And if it’s so important to him that it’s a deal breaker, that’s his own issue. But one of the things you find important in a relationship is a partner who will be supportive of you no matter the circumstance. If he is not willing to be that partner, then there is some serious thought that should be going on.
Personally (and I want to highlight that this truly is meant to be about our relationship, not neccesarily yours), if my DH had said that before our engagement, it would have been the end of us. It’s not that it would have been easy, or happened on the spot. But I wouldn’t have felt comfortable marrying someone who would put a limit like that on his love and devotion towards me. We made it a point to go over many scenerios… illnesses, injuries, financial burdens etc., and discussed whether we would stand by one another through those things. Obviously one never knows until one is in that situation, but it was important to ME that I had a partner who would be willing to stand by me no matter what. I’m not saying that you should go the same route and throw your relationship away. But I would be leery of someone who would be willing to throw your relationship away over something that you cannot control or change about yourself.
Post # 13
@BrandNewBride: I agree. What a jerk. She is only wife material if she can provide him with biological children? I can understand going your separate ways if one of you wants children and the other does not; but this is so different to me. He would be wiling to move on in search of a woman who can help him pass on his genes? He needs to get over himself. I would be questioning how much he loves me.
Post # 15
@BrandNewBride: I completely agree! AWFUL.
I think it’s YOU who should be the one having second thoughts! What is this, medieval England??? You have to prove you’re able to produce an heir? Who knows what will happen in the future? NO ONE knows, that is why marriage is based upon a leap of faith.
I can’t believe there are so women on here saying “well, he’s just being honest”. A healthy marriage is based upon the strength of the relationship of the couple first and foremost. A person who truly loves the other person does not place conditions on love.
I would be SO EFFING PISSED OFF if my FI was predicating our relationship on coming to a doctor appointment. I would tell him where to go then and there. So disrespectful.
Post # 16
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but this guy just did you a huge favour. He demonstrated with utter clarity that he wants as a future wife not a life partner, but a brood mare. That’s how he sees his wife – a growth chamber for his magnificent sperm. And if you can’t fulfil your purpose, you’re not good enough.
Dump him. Now. Please. You deserve someone better.