So much flack for not having kids

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ugh, how annoying. I don’t understand why people take it personally that you don’t want kids. Just because you don’t want kids =/= you think they are stupid for having kids. I never understood the whole “if you don’t have kids, you are selfish” argument either. To me, its way way more selfish to have kids even though you don’t really want them!

Post # 4
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@sienna76:  Currently we are DINKs. It is up in the air whether or not we will have kids and folks always look at us like we are insane too because we are not dying for baby. Sorry that my existence is not dependent on procreating and sorry that I don’t live for children or need them for my happiness. I am quite fulfilled without them (and a whole lot richer). It is a very personal choice and people need to mind their own business. Just because it works for them doesn’t mean it is the best option for everyone.

Quite frankly they should be happy that people who don’t want kids are staying true to themselves and not having them. If you aren’t dedicated to being a mother, I can’t imagine you’d be a very good one. Knowing yourself and what you want is so important. FI and I aren’t there yet. We may have one, or we may travel and spend our lives getting to know each other even better. Either way, it is for no one else to judge.

I totally understand where you’re coming from and sorry you’re facing such rash judgement from loved ones!

Post # 5
1421 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

There is nothing wrong with you for deciding not to have kids because you don’t really, really want them. 

There is something wrong with your friends and family for speaking to you in those ways.  Ouch.  Don’t they know how close minded and hurtful their comments are?

Post # 6
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am sorry you’re dealing with this. I think people have a hard time with letting go of what they have been taught growing up – which is, “We are here to reproduce.” It saddens me that people think that a married couple’s value/worth (especially the woman’s) is tied to bearing children. It’s so fucking ridiculous. 

Those around you may never understand your reasoning. You could probably explain why you don’t want kids until you’re blue in the face, and they’ll still not get it. For that, I’m sorry… but the only advice I have for you in this situation is to try to develop a tough skin and take it with a grain of salt. Trust in your decision, and know in your heart that what you’re doing is the right thing for you. 

Post # 7
573 posts
Busy bee

It sounds harsh but to repeat offenders telling you you should have kids for XYZ, you could be snarky and say “How would you know I CAN have kids rather than I WON’T?”  They’d feel awkward then and learn that it is none of their business if you choose not to or cannot actually have kids.




Post # 10
1774 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Gosh, that’s rough. I can’t relate because I was born with that motherhood gene, but I have many family members who did not have children and I see nothing wrong with that. You shouldn’t be judged for making the right decision for you and your DH. 

Post # 11
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@fiver:  +1 to everything you said


@sienna76:  OP I’m sorry you have to deal with comments like this and I wish I could suggest something to say that would get people to stop and think but it’s just so ingrained. I recently had a conversation with my mother and father respectively about whether or not the FI and I would have children. Both presumed it would be a given whilst I’m not sure – I’m not fussed about it either way. My mother thinks I’ll change my mind as soon as we get married – it’s not the first time I’ve gotten that response from people. My darling father said, in no uncertain terms, that the FI would leave me if I decided not to have his children – despite the fact, that I had already told him that the FI isn’t too fussed about having children either!

@StephieBee:  said it best – trust in your decision that you are doing what’s right for you.

Post # 12
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Move out of Utah and to San Francisco.

No kids is the norm here – lowest birth rate of any city in the country. If you live somplace very conservative, this is the kind of flack you get for following your own path!!

Post # 13
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Can I make a suggestion OP?

I have a friend who is also almost 100% sure she isn’t going to have kids. But when it comes up she says “I’m not going to have kids, I mean, I may change my mind someday, but as it stands now, I’m 100% sure I won’t”. 

This gives her an out from people saying “I told you so” – just in case she does change her mind. It also keeps people off her back in the “you might change your mind” department, because she has already said it herself. It sounds softer and is just easier to swallow when delievered in this way. Even if you KNOW that you NEVER change your mind. A white lie wouldn’t hurt. 

Post # 14
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Everdeen:  This is a good suggestion. It shuts down the conversation pretty effectively I would think.

Sorry you get bombarded with all that OP. It stinks that people treat you like you’re strange for not wanting kids. There are plenty of folks who are childfree and happy, and I wish others would accept that.

Post # 15
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@sienna76:  I don’t relate, I’m more the opposite with my mom pleading with me to wait until I’m 100 years old to have kids because she’s “not ready to be a grandmother”…

But I think a lot of these people you mention have their own personal motives in this. They want grandchildren. Or, they want to justify their choices (because having a kid is amazing but also really hard! what a commitment!) and do that by trying to make it sound like your choice is wrong. Or they even just can’t imagine someone feeling differently than they do in general. Sorry people treat you that way. It sounds really frustrating. I totally agree with you- if you don’t want kids don’t have them! Seems pretty logical to me. 

Post # 16
4601 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I understand how you feel. FH and I have been in the no kids boat for a while now. Sometimes, I see a cute kid and I think that someday I might want one, but then reality sinks in and we’re back in the no kids boat. 

FFIL wants us to have kids yesterday. My aunt (who is officiating my wedding) has been telling us that it’s something we need to be sure about before we get out of our childbearing years. My mom is convinced that I will change my mind for sure. My parent friends tell me that I’m going to miss out on so much joy from parenting. 

Ultimately, it’s our decision and we deflect the question from strangers (usually) by saying that we want to be married a while first. 

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