So much for trying to discuss coming up with a "timeline"…….

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Stranger516:  Oh sweetie. I’m sorry. I can understand how frustrating that must be. I wish there was better advice to give you, but there’s really nothing to add. Sometimes we are ready far sooner than they are. 

-hugs-

Post # 4
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Stranger516:  He’s big time not ready for marriage–are you willing to move on?

Post # 5
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@BrandNewBride:  +1

What’s he waiting for? Do you know?

Post # 6
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

If after six years he’s unwilling to give you even a hint of a timeline, I would say its time to move on. He doesn’t seem like he’ll be making the commitment any time soon if he gets this infuriated over a simple question. At this point, even if he gave you a timeline it would probably only be to get you “off his back” about it and probably would have no intention of keeping to it. 

 

Post # 7
Member
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wouldn’t be moving in with someone after 6 years who refuses and argues about a timeline.  No way in hell.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?? Pretty Much.  

 

Post # 8
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Stranger516:  You said… “I really feel as though I deserve a solid timeline.”  You already have one.  All you have to do is set it yourself.  It’s kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ when she didn’t realize she could have gone home at any time.  As you can see my advice is a bit different from other bees who recommend speaking to your SO about a timeline.

This is not a new relationship.  He knows how you feel and is not suffering from early-onset alzheimers.  So DO NOT bring up the words marriage or wedding again.  DO NOT give him an ultimatum.  DO NOT attempt to speak to him about a timeline.  He has given you an answer.  ACCEPT it.  His answer was that he’ll get married when he good and well pleases and not a second before.  A “few years” could be any number, so he’s telling you he doesn’t have a definite timeline. 

BUT, your SO doesn’t control the hands of time.  If you’re fed up, set your OWN unspoken timeline.  Speaking it makes it an ultimatum.  If his current answer means that he already doesn’t meet up with your timeline then leave NOW.  Find a place, pack your stuff and move it.  Tell him the relationship is not fulfilling your wants and needs.  And it’s not fair to either one of you if you’re not on the same page.  If you’re  not strong enough to do it when he’s there, move when he’s not there and then meet up with him at a coffee shop to explain why you had to move on.  That’s the only way you will regain your self respect.  Otherwise, be prepared to put up with his crap for as long as it pleases him.  If you truly think you are worth more than that then do what’s best for you.

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

“I’ve said a million times I want to get married in the next few years. I’m not coming up with some arbitrary date.”

The thing is, it’s not an arbitrary date. It’s not like he’s giving you a random day at which point he’ll suddenly want to get married. His answer should be sincere and should convey the time at which he feels he’ll be ready. As someone else pointed out, after 6 years he should have thought about marriage. Not necessarily solid plans, but one way or another I’m sure it’s come up (friends, family members, TV shows, etc.). It’s impossible for him not to have considered the idea of marrying you. So if you’ve asked him when he thinks that might happen, he should be able to give you a reasonable answer, and he shouldn’t even be surprised by the question. 

One approach you could take is to explain how lengthy the process is. If he wants to already be married in 2 years, then he needs to propose in about a year (or sooner). If he only wants to get engaged in 2 years, then that’s a different story. I’d be wondering what’s going to change in 2 years. Does he want to save more money? Is he waiting to be done with school? Does he want to buy a house first? Etc. 

If he’s not waiting to get some stuff done first, and he’s just not sure about the relationship, then as others have said, you have to decide for yourself how long you’re willing to wait. 

Post # 10
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@evrnenpaul:  

“DO NOT bring up the words marriage or wedding again.  DO NOT give him an  ultimaturm.  DO NOT attempt to speak to him about a timeline.  He has  given you an answer.  ACCEPT it.  His answer was that he’ll get  married when he good and well pleases and not a second before.  A “few  years” could be any number, so he’s telling you he doesn’t have a definite  timeline.” – I agree. Sometimes other people give different sort of “answers”.

Post # 12
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Ugh, I feel your pain! Until about a month ago, my SO was the same way – he wouldn’t give me any sort of timeline and totally acted like he was making no progress in the whole engagement process. I would bring it up, casually, and like you, it would turn into a fight. There was one weekend he was supposed to go home to ring shop and didn’t – that really pissed me off and led to me being a moody brat for about a week straight. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying nothing, because I was being bratty AND because I didn’t want to bring it up (and start another fight).

Anyway, long story short – I ended up writing him a long email explaining how I felt and why I felt that way. It turns out, he didn’t go ring shopping that weekend because a family friend (who knows a diamond dealer) couldn’t go with him at the last minute. And he was genuinely upset about it. 

We ended up emailing back and forth all day while at work – I explained my feelings and he explained his (about feeling pressured, etc.). It ended up being the most effective communication we’ve ever had on the topic – we both made a list of things we would do/change in order to make this a happy time for both of us. It didn’t turn into a fight because we weren’t face to face and it really, really worked for us. It gave both of us a chance to explain ourselves in a full, concise way.

Maybe you could try to write your thoughts and feelings down and give it to him? Ask him to respond in a written format if you, like me, don’t want it to escalate into an argument.

My SO is now ring shopping in less than 2 weeks and the other night told me that a fall proposal is happening (so anytime in the next couple months). I would absolutely say the turning point for us was that email exchange – it really helped both of us to understand what the other was feeling and thinkning without blowing up at each other.

Sorry this was so long! And good luck!

Post # 13
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

He gave you a timeline

 

I am in a similar situation. I got together with my boyfriend at 17/19. We will have been together 8 years in november. We still have not lived together due to school.

However, you said”but now that we are finally going to live together” which i take as you just or just about to move in together. My advice use your gut, my man says the same stuff, do i believe him?yes. Do you? If you do then leave him alone you are still young, enjoy living together and cooking meals,sleeping, and watching netflix together.

Don’t listen to the “what the hell is he waiting for camp”, they don;’t know what the hell is going on. Just chill out and enjoy your time together. Marriage is not the end all be all as far as commitment goes.

 

Post # 14
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Stranger516:  “I’ve said a million times I want to get married in the next few years.”

Has he actually said that?  Has he brought up marriage on his own, without you mentioning it?  Has he EVER said anything like, “I want to be married by age 26” or “I want to start having kids by age 30”?  If not, then I think it’s pretty obvious that he has no clue if/when he wants to get married and he’s just trying to avoid the question.  Now you need to decide if you’re willing to wait for him to get ready or if you want to move on.

@BrandNewBride:  THIS.

Post # 15
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

He gave you a timeline. It is not the answer you wanted. He is probably unsure of one of these things: 1)If he ever wants to get married, 2)If he wants to get married to you, 3)If he’s ready to get married (financially, emotionally, etc.).

If you want to get married and are not okay potentially being with him for the rest of your life without marriage, move on. You’re young and he might just feel like moving in and marriage are the correct nexts steps with you b/c this relationship is the only one he has ever known. You shouldn’t stay with someone who is unsure of their future with you and is unwilling to discuss their thoughts and feelings. If he said “we’ll get married in a few years, but I really want to work on X, Y and Z first” that would be fine. But it seems like he’s trying to postpone marriage forever because it is not something he is ready for/wants.

Post # 16
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sounds pretty loud and clear to me: he either isnt ready to be married or isnt sure about marrying *you*. None of that is a reflection on you, so please do not take it that way.

You have been given some really phenomal advice, and hopefully I can add to it.

My FI dated a girl for 5 years he knew deep down he wouldnt marry. He’ll tell you that within 2 years, he knew it, but they stayed together out of convenience and because he was scared to break things off with her. It wasnt until she kept bringing up having kids when she knew he didnt want any that he got the balls up to end it…but until then, it sounds like he’d just dodge the marriage subject altogether.

Was it the right thing to do? Not really…but it happens, and there is a 50/50 chance it’s happening to you.

Like others have said, take control of your own situation…and I’d start by figuring out what category you fall under:

a) He’s Not Ready To Marry Me YET

b) He’s Not Sure He Wants To Marry Me At All

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