- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
My wedding has been scaled down so much for various reasons in the last few weeks. I won’t be having the big grand wedding I have gotten so excited about. It’s all with good reason and I have finally come to terms with everything that has gone on. This has been a circus to begin with, between family drama, budget issues, guest list problems, etc, Im just so ready to be done and married. I don’t care about anything anymore and would be fine if we got married in our pajamas in an alley somewhere. That’s how little I care at this point.
all I have been able to stress about these past months is my wedding. Trying (in vain) to make it happen the way I wanted it to and being knocked down at every turn. I have had to really hold up my family the past year or so and it all just caught up to me last night.
If you know me, im a very stone faced person. I just always appear to be calm, collected, and generally in control. This is not always the case but im pretty good at making it look that way. I have taken every single set back with my wedding and handled it with grace and dignity and havent’ had a meltdown over things getting completely thrown off. After last night, nothing about this wedding, other than becoming FI’s wife really matters to me … here’s why…
Yesterday I found out that my godmother (who is also my mother’s very best friend and the sister she always needed) has stopped responding to treatments for cancer. It started a few years ago with breast cancer and has basically just taken over her body at this point. We have known for a while that this is terminal cancer. It was just a matter of extending her life rather than trying to beat it. At first it seemed as though she had a while to go, even doctors said she probably still had 3-5 years, 3 being realistic and 5 being a stretch. Well it’s been a little under a year and they are already getting ready to put her on hospice. They can keep her as comfortable as possible but the cancer is everwhere and there is nothing more to be done. My wedding is next month and now I just feel so stupid for being so worried about such trivial things. One of the most important people in my life is losing her life and it’s happening really quickly. I don’t really know how to feel yet. I know im sad but I haven’t quite been able to react yet due to my need to be so calculated. Fiance is waiting for me to explode and really I am waiting for me to explode.
I realized I don’t care about my dress anymore, or my reception or the money we have spent and lost on things. I only care about getting married and having those close to me there to witness it. We are still keeping our original wedding date, but we have scaled things back to a minimum and are focusing more on the people rather than the things.
Thank god for Fiance, seriously. That man knows me inside and out and he knows when it’s best to just let me be me and not push me to talk or anything. He knows that at some point in the next few days ill probably end up running home and just collapsing in his lap and at that point I know he will know exactly what to do. He can read me better than anyone and has learned exactly how to best support me over the years. More than ever, I know he is without a doubt the person I want to spend my life with.
This is mostly a vent. Just needed to get out all the crazy that has been bouncing around in my head the last 24 hours. So much has changed in a day. But now, I have an 8 hour work day to get through and baseball practice later for my son and a million errands to run after that. It’s going to be a long day….