So my brother got married and no one found out until a month later…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Perhaps you should call him. 

 

My brother got married without telling anyone.  Whatever…his wife is awesome and their kids are awesome, so it’s fine with me!

Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My first thought: If you and your brother bought the first house together, when you sold it, did you split the difference (ie pay him back his share)? Because I definitely understand needing more space, but if your brother had financial input in the new house (or the proceeds from selling were used to get the new house), and you and your FI consider it *your* house (and charge him rent?), he might be annoyed about it. It was unclear in your post what exactly happened with that situation, and whose house is whose, and whether or not you and your brother stopped joint financing the home (if that makes sense). This may have contributed to your brother distancing himself from you if he felt slighted or offended.

Otherwise, some people just don’t think to include others in their lives, even people they are close to. Family might be one of your priorities, but it probably isn’t one of his. It’s not personal, it seems like he excludes almost everyone, and feels smothered by all of your texts and calls. Just keep trying to include him and reach out, but don’t overwhelm him.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t have any advice, but wanted to share my story too…

My BIL did the same thing…He started dating a much older woman (He’s 28, she’s 51 and has a son who is 27.)  We all got along at first, of course my MIL was upset, but she made an effort to welcome this woman into the family.  FWD a few months…the gf and MIL get into a HUGE argument, gf is extremely nasty, makes a huge scene at a family reunion, etc.  GF and BIL decide to sell his place, quit their jobs and move back to her home in Arizona.  Well since BIL is Canadian, they decided to get married last October so that he could stay permanently with her.  Didn’t tell/invite anyone though.  MIL was extremely hurt.  We’ll be seeing him for the first time in over a year tonight when he comes home to close out his Canadian bank account…

Post # 7
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Greyhoundbrain:  It hurts, I know but you have to find a way to move past it… My mom got re-married to my step dad and didn’t tell anyone for nearly a month (and we saw them daily)! Her reasoning was it wasnt a big deal, she didn’t want any drama or fuss, etc… I was pissed at her for a long time, but I was eventually able to forgive and move on. If it helps at all, they have been married for 10+ years now and still going strong! 

I would try to act like nothing happened, you said your piece but it really is his decision. Maybe invite him & the new wife over for a celebration dinner?? I wouldn’t say anything more than a handful of times about how you wanted to be there and are disappointed you weren’t… He got the message, but it doesnt sound like family is a priority to him (which is ok!) and brigning it up too much may hurt your relationship in the future.. 

Post # 8
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’ll try and give you a little bit of what it’s like to be on the other side (as an eloped Bee): it’s not about you. their wedding/elopement /secret wedding was like that because THEY wanted it like that. Not because you’ve been a bad sister, a terrible person or anything but because for some of us weddings are NOT about family but about the couple. I know a lot of people don’t agree but that’s the way it is for some of us. Now for him not to answer your txts and stuff…that’s harsh. The cat’s outta the bag and it’d be a great time for some explanations and good wishes but instead he’s stonewalling you.

However I urge you to not think about how this affects you or possible reasons why he’s being this way that have to do with you and instead think about several options that have to do with HIM and with THEM. As in, instead of saying to yourself “what kind of brother doesn’t tell his very close sister that he got married?!” tell yourself “he must have his reasons for not having introduced her to the family yet,” “maybe he wanted to do a civil ceremony right away but was planning on having a vow renewal/reception later?” What I mean to say is try to bring the focus back onto him instead of your relationship with him or yourself.

Eloping is truly not about hurting your nearest and dearest; in fact I think the majority of us are trying to AVOID situations (eg. Being the center of attention, having to cater to the families’ wishes, deal with unresolved family situations, deal with ANYBODY who is NOT your spouse that day, worry about others’ comfort/schedule/children/drama, worry that if you invite your sister then you must invite your spouse’s and s/he might not want them there, if it’s one cousin or set of parents it’s all of them, etc). I think invariably others DO get hurt because they feel excluded, not taken into consideration, etc. so I completely understand where you’re coming from especially because he didnt tell you he was getting married but now he won’t tell you that he IS married. 

Sigh. My advice? Call him, send him an email, text him AND his new wife and say “congratulations on your wedding! My husband and I would really like to make you a special dinner to celebrate the occasion and welcome her into the family! Will any of the next three dates work for you?” and let go of any and all judgements you may have about him, his wife and his actions so far. 

Post # 9
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Like the pp, I don’t have much advice but my BIL also did the same thing, but they kept it secret for almost 2 years! They of course announced it on facebook to most of the family, but not until after his wife was pregnant. They married only 9 months after meeting each other (he was deployed for 8 of those months) and she was only 19 and him 21. The family was very upset to find out that they kept it secret for so long. My FI’s grandfather was especially upset as he doesn’t have facebook and found out through another family member. Of course when making their announcement they said they want to have a real wedding in a few years to celebrate. A secret wedding is definitely a very immature thing but also isn’t something that should destroy your relationship with your brother. Give yourself plenty of time to be upset about it and then try to move on with him.

Post # 10
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Is he still in the military Or receiving benefits? They may have gotten married secretly with a plan to have the “wedding” later.

Post # 11
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Greyhoundbrain:  “He has always been really secretive and bad about communicating to anyone who is related to him.”

If that’s how he usually is with most people, as an outsider, I guess I would think you’d know this and maybe be able to use this tidbit to take the sting out of the hurt you are feeling. Regardless, I do not think you are wrong in expecting at least a phone call. I would too, at the very least.

I hope you can get past your hurt feelings and I hope this stick-in-the-mud brother comes around a bit.

Post # 12
Member
6028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I hope that others read this thread and realize that, no matter how pure the intentions, secret weddings are very hurtful to their loved ones. You can bang on all you want about how it is the couple’s day and no one else’s but it’s still very hurtful to go through one of life’s major milestones without being honest with those who love you.

Post # 13
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Soon2ElopeBee:  I don’t think that most people have an issue with eloping. I personally think eloping is a great and romantic option and many times wish we chose that route. I think most people are offended when family members are secretive about the marriage and then use an impersonal method of announcing (i.e. Facebook). I totally agree though that it isn’t something that should alter your relationship with that loved one. My recommendation for those eloping is at least let your closest family members know in a personal way either before or shortly after the wedding. For us, we questioned why they kept the marriage a secret for 2 years. Were they embarrassed, ashamed? Were they hoping to have a large ceremony and not let anyone know they were ever married? Regardless of the intentions for the secret, close family members were hurt and confused by their actions, or lack thereof. 

Post # 14
Member
6744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This happened with my BIL. They got married secretly so they could get on the spouses health insurance. We all found out like 4 months later. Meh- I figure if it makes them happy then it’s fine- doesn’t affect my life really.

Post # 15
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

eelise:  agreed that the secrecy and lack of sharing is what can be hurtful to others! 2 years!! 

Horseradish:  “secret weddings are very hurtful to their loved ones…” I think SOME people will get hurt, most won’t. I agree with eelise that MOST people will understand and actually be supportive. I also believe that when people do get hurt about elopements (not secret weddings divulged a significant amount of time later which necessitate quite a few lies of omission along the way, including OP’s case) it’s a narcissistic/ego kind of pain. As in “how could he not want me, HIS MOTHER -insert appropriate familial or social title- there? After everything I’ve done for him!,” “invited her to MY wedding! How dare she not reciprocate!’,” “But I wanted/needed to be there [for MY own validation of the relationship I believe I have with that person]!” I truly don’t believe it’s a “heart”/emotional kind of pain cuz then it would go something like this: “I’m so happy for you! You did what YOU thought was best for YOU. What would you like to share with me about that?” Or “wow, I wish I could have been there! Tell me everything!” Or even “I’m kinda hurt that you didn’t invite me to share that moment with you. Will you tell me why you did it this way?” and then listening from your heart. 

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