(Closed) So my mother failed the test run :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

As someone with a very difficult mother….I empathize with you. It sounds like such a difficult situation and I’m so sorry you’re hurting ๐Ÿ™ Perhaps you could let her know how important she attend the wedding is to you?

Post # 5
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@awakemysoul: Hmm…since you’re just doing it for her and would prefer her not to come and you think she might not come anyway, is not inviting her an option?

Post # 7
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Maybe invite her but expect her not to come, so if she does come you’ll be suprised.

Post # 8
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@awakemysoul: You said: It isn’t important to me that she attend the wedding. In all actuality, I’d prefer she didn’t. I just know it would be important to HER. So I’m trying to find a way where I’ll be comfortable in inviting her.

That is EXACTLY the way I felt inviting my biomom.

What I did about my biomom, I debated on inviting her, I knew she’d come if she was invited, but I have a foster mom who I consider to be my “real mom”. I didn’t want it to be awkward where my biomom would see my foster mom “replacing her” (not that she replaced her, but she’d probably feel this way) at my wedding. I decided that I’d invite my biomom, but let her know my foster mom would be mom at my wedding. Well, somehow my biomom’s invite didn’t get sent. Since it wasn’t sent, I don’t think she even knows I was engaged, or married. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m married now. I regret not sending her an invite (even thou she was really SUPPOSED to get one). I can’t take that back or change it. She doesn’t play much of a role in my life, but I don’t like when others feel bad, I didn’t really want her there to support me, but in a way I wanted to invite her to support her. I don’t want her to be my mom in my life, I already have my mom (foster mom).

If you think there’s a chance you would accept her as your mom in your future, invite her. She’s probably scared, she thinks she “didn’t do a good job” in your life & will always let you down. She probably has major insecurities. I had major insecurities because of what happened w/ my bioparents, but I’m over those now. Not until I was getting over those insecurities, did I realize my biomom likely has major insecurities as well. When I realized that, it was a revelation for me. Not that I’m defending her, or what she did… but that what she’s sorta going thru now what I went thru for years. Thing is, I have closure, I’ve moved on… sadly, I don’t think my biomom will ever have closure. It makes me feel kinda sad for her now.

If you don’t want to invite her cause you fear she’ll let you down… well, she can’t let you down if you don’t give her the chance to. If you want her there, invite her. She may let you down, she may not. You may be really hurt she didn’t ever show up like she said… but nothing is for sure. You won’t know if you don’t take that chance. She could come & maybe it would help mend your relationship.

If you don’t want to invite her cause you really don’t want her there & just are inviting her so she “feels better”… than consider not inviting her there. If you want her involved in your life thou, you should invite her. Let her know you really want her to come.

If you do want to get to know her more, you should email her back & forth, or meet with her 1 on 1 to talk about things. She’s probably really intimidated by a big party. Afraid people would say “how do you know the bride” type stuff. I don’t know her, she may just be flaky… but I typically give people the benefit of the doubt.

If you’d like to talk further, feel free to PM me!

Post # 9
Member
35 posts
Newbee

That sound dificult hun!Listen to your heart!And then think about it!

Post # 11
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

Good luck! I hope it works out the way you want. ๐Ÿ™‚

What a difficult situation! That’s nice that you and your brother are giving her one more chance.

Post # 12
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Good luck. I feel for you. It is so hard to be the child of a parent with an addiction.

My mom is an alcoholic, and has been since I can remember, although it got much worse after she and my dad divorced. It is impossible to completely separate them as a person from them as your parent. For most of my teens and twenties I have tried to see my mom as a person (friend) instead of as my mother, so that I can have a relationship with her. When I view her as a parent, all the disappointments and let downs hurt that much more. It works most of the time, and we get along okay. She has said some awful things to me in the last two years, to the point where I was engaged and she didn’t even know my fiance as we weren’t speaking at all.

At my college graduation, she was wasted the entire 24 hours she was in town. She booked a hotel with a bar, and even brought her own vodka. Her boyfriend is worse, since he gets obnoxious and hits on random young women when he’s really drunk. They, thankfully, weren’t drunk for the rehearsal dinner, through they did drink. And they didn’t get drunk until the end of the reception, but went back to their RV to really get wasted.

I hope that she comes and can respect your wishes and support you. I think you did a wonderful thing inviting her to the ceremony and finding a compromise.

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