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We didn't tell my IL for that exact same reason. Unless your IL have a direct say in your insurance for some reaason I'd keep it from them until 12 or 13 weeks if that's what your gut is saying.
we waited over two weeks between telling my parents and telling his. talk to you hubs and explain to him that you'd prefer to wait and that you're only telling your parents for X reason. actually i didn't plan to tell my parents that early but then started spotting and freaked out a little and needed to talk to my mommy.
after we told his parents (on the phone - they're in CA), my hubs sent an email just reiterating that its early and that we really don't want them to tell anyone yet and that we want to wait until April when his extended family will be in the area. so far, so good. my parents only told my bro and SIL, which pissed me off at first, but they've been able to keep it to themselves as well (my SIL was outed on FB by someone early on in pg and my brother remembers and is still pissed about that).
and seriously, telling people or not telling people won't cause/prevent an MC. my doctor said to tell anyone during 1st trimester that you'd share the pain of an MC with. and clearly, that would include our parents.
I wouldnt tell his parents until youre in the safe zone - 12-13 weeks. Why would you? I have no plans of telling anyone we are trying and definitely not going to tell any of my ILs until I am past 12 wks because my MIL cant keep her mouth shut!
He understands why we are telling my parents and not his and he respects that it is my body and gets where I'm coming from but I think if he had his way everyone would know as soon as we got the first positive test. He says that MC is a part of life that happens to people and why be ashamed of it? But I would rather mourn by myself and not have people asking me how the baby is and then having to explain what happened. That just makes it worse.
If you really don't want people to know early I wouldn't tell your ILs until you're ready for everyone to know. We're having the first grandbaby on both sides and were really excited to tell our parents and did so at about 8 weeks, but way before we had told anyone else. Within an hour of getting off the phone with my MIL I had a comment on facebook from DH's aunt congratulating us. I understand they were excited but they didn't even wait a day to tell people let alone the few weeks we asked them to. Luckily I did some damage control and was able to keep things off facebook until I had spoken to my employers and other people I didn't want finding out that way but it made something that was supposed to be exciting more stressful than it should have been.
I dont know about this one.. I can understand not wanting your friends to know about it, but i think the immediate family on both sides should know about it. but thats just my opinion
In terms of Facebook: there is a way to not let anyone post on your wall. It's under privacy controls. I highly rec turning off the ability for others to post on your wall until you're ready.
@firsttimemom: I had to do that for the few people who knew we were eloping so that they would not prematurely congratulate us and my parents be like "WTF?????" lol.
Anyways - congratulations to you and your hubby! Personally though I've never been pregnant, I would wait til the magical 12 weeks and try not to stress about it until then :)
@deetroitwhat: You're saying you had to block people from posting on your wall? I can't imagine how confused my friends would get.
@firsttimemom: Yes. My husband and my family all live in Michigan. We're in Texas, and a few people from work knew when we were leaving to go to New Orleans (we eloped there). So, to prevent anyone finding out early accidentally by someone congratulating me on FB, I prevented people from posting to my wall. I have no way of knowing if anyone actually tried posting to my wall during that time though.
If you think his parents won't respect your wishes to keep things quiet, don't tell them. I wouldn't want people to know before I was ready to tell them.
I agree with texasmeredith on keeping it quiet if you have inlaws with loose lips. I would tell my parents long before I would tell my inlaws. My MIL has a way of telling everyone our business without much thought of our privacy. If you don't trust your inlaws to keep it quiet until the FB announcement, wait until that time to tell them first, then FB announcement it.
I am in the same situation as far as MIL goes. Mine and yours could be twins! But in all honesty, it will be very hard for us to keep it in from our immeditate family. We've been trying for over a year and have infertility issues and honestly I use to feel the same as others, as to why do people announce early but now fully understand. It is an exciting time and I would want support from my loved ones if something should happen. That is WHY we will annouce early and there are no rules regarding this and do not let anyone make you feel different or bad if you want to annouce early. For myself, when we do tell DH parents, I will have a talk with his Mom about how important and special it will be for us to tell people on our own and in our own time. I will not want his 7 aunts and uncles and some 30 cousins nor the small town we live in knowing right away and that out of respect for us, please keep it in. I beleive she will respect this and will understand and yes, I will be blocking my FB too just in case.
FWIW, if you are feeling uneasy and not sure your MIL can respect this if you talk to her about it then I would wait.
@firsttimemom: But that still won't stop them from posting it as their own status, as in "My nephew Tim is going to be a dad!!" or something like that. So I'd still advise waiting until you're ready for the news to be public.
Don't tell her yet.
Sometimes facebook really blows for exactly that reason. :(
Sorry, hun. Hopefully your man will understand.
I wouldn't feel guilty for doing that. You have to protect yourselves and hopefully the excitement will trump any hurt feelings if they find out they were left out for a while.
@mightywombat: That's EXACTLY what I'm thinking. All posting on my wall does is well, stop people from posting on my immediate wall. That doesn't control them posting it on other's walls or tagging me in a status.
Why don't you just wait.
I am in the same spot...in terms of feeling really worried about m/c. I thought I would tell my SIL after our 8 week appointment, but after my 2 spotting episodes, I think I may wait until 12+ weeks to tell anyone else.
I know what it feels like to be torn. You want to tell those closest to you...but you also feel paranoid about telling people and then something happening. I know you hubby says "It's nature and if it happens it happens" and my hubby says the same thing. But I just don't think they really understand. Of course we KNOW it's out of our control, but that doesn't make us any less terrified about it. And sometimes clinging to our superstitions are all the we have! haha!
As for blocking the FB wall...I didn't think about that but it is a GREAT idea.
For example...my husband's cousin recently got engaged but she didn't announce it until she mailed her Christmas cards. So her wall was blocked from comments. She had TOTAL control over her special info and I think that was a GREAT thing. Once I tell some...but not at the point of telling everyone on FB...I may do the same thing :-)
Also...do you REALLY think that if you flat out told them that this needed ot be quiet...that they wouldn't listen?
If you think they won't, then don't tell. But if you think they will listen, then tell them.
I always heard the advice of "only tell those who you would want to support you if something happened" That is why I chose to tell my in-laws, my mom, and my best friend.
We just now told extended family and friends at 13 weeks. So far everyone has done good and not posted anything on my FB wall.
I am really hoping to make it until at least 20 weeks until really having to post anything.
I wouldn't tell them if you know they're just going to spill the news.
When I was pregnant last time, I told my grandma early and she of course told everyone. I ended up miscarrying. This time we didn't tell her until the 12 week apt. It was just easier for me to not have to worry about that again.
I'm with PPs, if you're not ready to tell the world, then keep it away from your gossipy inlaws. They'll just have to deal with it when you tell them, and I'm sure they'll be too excited to care when it was they got the news. So long as you're not telling every Tom, Dick and Harry before them, (which it sounds like you aren't!) then hurt feelings will be avoided. I know your husband is excited, but he's not the one growing this baby here. Miscarriage hits women alot harder then men, and if you want privacy in case it may happen, then it's your right. I'm glad your husband is being so supportive! So don't feel guilty, it's your call here. Do what makes you comfortable
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DH and I are very superstitous. I am terrified that once we start telling people we're going to have a MC. We've planned on telling my parents next Saturday (9w1d) but I am extremely hesitant telling his parents. His mother cannot keep a secret to save her life. I KNOW for a FACT that when we tell her, she will call his aunts and as soon as his aunts find out it will be ALL OVER facebook for all of my friends to see; not to mention the people who we weren't going to tell until after the 1st trimester was over. She's done it before with other aspects of our lives that we wanted to keep secret and I don't feel like we can trust her with this one until we're ready for everyone to know.
PS. The only reason we're telling my parents sooner is due to insurance reasons.
What would you do?