SO never makes the first step to make up after a fight

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

emeraldine:  when u weren’t in the middle of a fight, have u spoken to him about this? 

Post # 4
Member
2033 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry, this whole situation seems bizarre and immature on his part. Yes, you should expect him to come to you and own up/communicate/acknowledge. To get the silent treatment for days on end, let alone for something so extraordinarily trivial… I do not think that is okay. He sounds like he has some growinv up to do.

Post # 5
Member
5227 posts
Bee Keeper

emeraldine:  You’re definitely not in the wrong here, couples should be able to apologize to each other. If one person is always doing all of the apologizing, it’s a very unbalanced relationship. He sounds passive aggressive by “holding” things from you as punishment, no matter how small or insignificant that it may seem. Honestly, this type of behavior rarely changes and only escalates the more you get to know your partner. They catalogue things for years, and before you know it, you’re apologizing for things you did 2,5,20 years ago. 

Relationships really should be built on basic mutual respect, and if this is a consistent character trait– he is lacking that for you. My suggestion in the matter would be to possibly try counseling but most likely it would be walking out of the door. Everyone has undesirable traits, but being actively passive aggressive, withholding apologies and not mutually respecting me enough would be reason to end that relationship.

You’re only giving us a snippet of an argument, but I would guarantee that this is a huge issue and comes up from everything from small to very big arguments.

Post # 6
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Based on your other posts, he really does not seem committed to this relationship in the way that you are.  I’m sorry.

Post # 7
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

emeraldine:  well, u can’t really do much with someone who refuses to see it. Either u will have to keep being the person who apologizes first, or u need to reevaluate the situation. 

Post # 8
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

emeraldine:  You are not unreasonable to expect your partner to actually communicate with you when you’re having a disagreement. To be honest, he’s acting like a child giving you the silent treatment because he got mad. It’s silly that he got upset in the first place, but she should at least be adult enough to tell you what’s bothering him and apologize for blowing it out of proportion. To me, this is a problem: “He has never said sorry, ever, for anything.” I would be blunt and call him out on that. Is this really how you want your relationship to be?

Post # 9
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

emeraldine:  oh wow, yes that is not ok. Ignoring your spouse is extremely manipulative and to some extent emotionally abusive. I have known long term couples who deal with this type of behaviour for months on end! 

You need to take a step back and see what he does (or doesn’t do). He is showing you exactly who he is; manipulative, self-centered and incapable of communication. Can you be with a man that disregards your feelings and is unwilling to compromise? Most of us couldn’t be, and so here is where I would put my foot down and let him know that if things don’t change, I wouldn’t stick around. If he isn’t willing to put in some effort to keep you around, chances are that this relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway. 

Post # 10
Member
959 posts
Busy bee

The whole thing just seems immature on his part. Like he was punishing you for making a joke… marriage is 100%_100% he has to be willing to put effort into it just as you are. I’m sorry he’s being a jerk. 

Post # 11
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

emeraldine:  I actually experienced this with my partner A LOT in the beginning of our relationship when we were in our erly 20s. It took me a while to understand it, but he came from a family where poeple NEVER apologized. Like ever, they just didn’t talk to each other for years and stayed angry. So obviously that behaviour was modeled to him growing up, and he saw apologizing as admitting ‘defeat’ or something bad. I, on the other hand, apologize for EVERYTHING (almost too much as I have been told) and come from a family who apologizes and keeps the peace. There has been no time in my extended family that people haven’t talked to each other over a fight. We talk it out or just let it go. Its not worth the argument. 

So I was experiencing the same thing you are now. I would apologize, partner would not, he would think he owned up to his behaviour because that is better than what he learned growing up, and I would be annoyed that I always have to initiate and make up. This was bothering me SO MUCH, and I knew I could not live with it. So I expressed how important it was so me, how I am willing to own up to my shit, apologize, make amends, and how I need to hear it to. I had to legitimately teach him how to apologize, how to express how he was feeling, and to stop thinking about winning our fights. We are a team and we work things ou for the sake of US, not him. How fighting can be constructive because it gives us the opportunity to TALK IT OUT.

I have to say, we’ve been together for over five years now, LD for 3, and his apologies aren’t prefect, but he owns up to the things he does that upset me, is MUCH less defensive, and doesn’t give me silent treatment or ‘punish me’ so to speak. He knows that I do not tolerate that sh** and I think its super childish. That being said, its a work in progress. He’s not perfect with it, and I still have to often initiate a talk after a fight. But he has come A LONG WAY so I pick my battles and I am willing to work on it with him. He really has worked hard, and I celebrate his hard work and thank him when he does it. If I need to hear more of an apology or I need him to stop being defensive, I remind him that we are a team. I let him know. He honestly has learned a lot, and I am thankful he has been willing to work on it with me. 

I just think that you need to let him know that you are tired of always initiating and never hearing an apology or him owning up. That it will not be tolerated, and if he values being on a team, in a partnership, that he has to let go of his pride and his defensiveness and really see your side. Becuase I realized that putting that defense up on his part prevented him from TRULY hearing me out. Tell him he has to get his act together and meet you halfway, and because you are partners, you will be there to support him through it all and coach him on how to apologize. 

I know it sounds so silly, but some people are better at apologizing than others. Some people become childish in a fight because that is what has been modeled to them growing up, or it has been a learned response from him. Maybe acting like that as a child got him his way? That seems plausable. Either way, you have to talk it out because he is an adult now, and you will be his wife. You are equals. 

Post # 12
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

emeraldine:  Some people just are not good at confrontation of any kind. For me, the situation is reversed…and I totally feel bad about it. Generally my FI will be the one to “make” me talk and forces us to work things out. I will tend to stay very quite and ignore it, and him sometimes. I’m just really bad at arguments and even disagreements. I don’t know why, because I don’t want to fight with him, but I always feel guilty during a fight and feel he probably doesn’t want to talk to me. It might not be the same for your FI but people definitely handle confrontation differently. Some are too scared, some too proud, and some just have no idea what to really do. Maybe just try to bring that up with him, nicely, that you are always the one who has to start the healing process? I’m sorry I’m not more help with this. 🙁

Post # 13
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My mother is 74, and I have never heard the word ‘sorry’ from her lips…and believe me, she has plenty to apologise for.

I don’t think I ever will hear her say it.  She was raised in a extremely passive aggressive household, where resentments can last decades.  As an example, two of my uncles – who share a house together – had an disagreement in the early 1980s.  They haven’t spoken directly to each other since.  That’s 35 YEARS of what you are currently going through!  I thought when my grandmother died in 1996 (they all lived together) that would finally be the spur to get them to sort it out, as she encouraged the insane behavour.  Nope, nothing changed.

And that’s something you might have to come terms with.  Your boyfriend is 30, so he’s already going to be pretty set in his ways.  You can mention it all you like to him, but if he’s not taken any notice so far, it’s unlikely he’s going to do so in the future.

I also have real problems with saying sorry.  I hate admitting I’m wrong, even when I know I am. The difference between myself and your boyfriend is that I’m aware of it, and am trying to improve.

Post # 15
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I’m familiar with this personality type.  What uou need to do is think of how you would respond to a five-year old nephew.

In this particular case, it sounds like your comment caused an injury to the ego.  His way of getting back at you is to not give you something you have made obvious you want (think about the child who never plays with a toy until someone else wants it then he won’t give it up).  If you would have acted like you didn’t care, he probably would have found another way to passive aggressively punish you, but like any 5-year old, the games are quite transparent.  

Also, I’m pretty sure my five year old has never apologized without me having to remind him to.  Just saying.  🙂

 

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