So NOW the Strip club bothers me. Overreacting?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

you are NOT overreacting.

Its one thing to find another person attractive (seeing a hot guy walking by you, etc) but to fantasize about having sex with them is a whole nother animal… not ok in my book. What would he think if you told him you were imagining f*cking other hot guys?

Post # 4
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

No you’re not overthinking. He’s being a rude pig. I personally have no issue with strippers or clubs but his remark wouldn’t sit well with even me. I sure hope that there is a definitive line between fantasizing and actually acting on it.

Post # 5
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@outhere2277:  Just because he imagines himself having sex with them doesn’t mean it will ever happen or he actually wants it to happen.  Guys fantasize; it’s what strip clubs and the porn industry is based upon.  That said, if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to talk about it with him and then decide whether you are okay with him going to a strip club in the future.  From my own personal experience, I felt much more comfortable with strip clubs after going to one myself.

Post # 7
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@outhere2277:  If he told you that he imagines himself having sex with your female coworkers or your female cousins, would that be acceptable? Of course not! Even HE would think it is not acceptable to think that or to tell you that. And he would stay away from them if you knew that he imagines having sex with them in his head. Why then is it acceptable for him to imagine himself having sex with stippers? And tell you? And then going to see the strippers??

I just can’t understand why so many people are trying to convince themselves or each other that strippers are different and okay. If one of his female coworkers was showing his breasts to him and touching him, that would never fly, and everyone would say that it is not acceptable. Why do you have to be okay with another woman doing that just because it is her job? What if one of his coworker or friends is being a stripper on the side?

You don’t have to be cool with any of that. I know I am not cool with the stipper thing. 

Post # 8
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is a tough one.

Truth be told men fantasize about sex a lot… if it isn’t them fantasizing about you, it is with someone else.

Just a fact of life… they fantasize about women & sex.  It is their nature.

(And part of the reason that Mr TTR & I both agree that we don’t see even friends of the opposite sex one-on-one… a guy will tell you they’ll always be “less randy” in their thoughts when their woman is around)

Strip Clubs / Sex Clubs are no different.  In fact, IMO they are worse, because the men are fueled by alcohol and peer pressure.  AND they are real live women who are parading around naked showing off ALL of herself (think spread eagle here)… and then these same gals offer up lap dances, rubbing that naked / or barely clad touche & ALL over your guy’s crotch… of course he’s going to end up with an erection, and be naturally thinking about doing the deed with her

Undecided *rolls eyes* what else would he be thinking

NOW you add in the Champagne Rooms (touchy feely stuff… for her or him)… or the Off Site Parties (where often ANYTHING GOES)

And ya, I’ve never been a fan of the idea of “Strippers”

(For the record men ALWAYS call them “Strippers”… they never define for a woman where the “sex trade worker” falls along the scale from Exotic Dancer to full on Prostitute)

For me, I don’t have an issue with Movie / Tv Porn… and we both enjoy it.  BUT that is because that isn’t real life.

WHENEVER there is a REAL LIFE PERSON involved be it a Stripper or an On-Line Porn Provider doing stuff SPECIFICALLY for my man, I HAVE AN ISSUE


That is where fantasy crosses the line into reality for me.

Lucky for me, neither of my Hubbys (past or current) has been that attracted to Strip Clubs & “Strippers”… both of them find them to be pretty nasty.

But as for yourself, this is something you need to work out with your Man and what Boundaries you expect in your relationship based on Mutual Respect and understanding.

Maybe ask him how he’d feel if you were at a Male Strip Club having some guy rub his “block & tackle” all over you… and then you getting all “excited” (his word) fantasizing that perhaps he might be a great lay for you vs your Hubby.

See what he says then…

Hope this helps,


Post # 11
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok, as I said, as women we have to understand that men fantasy about sex & other women a lot.

It just is in their nature.

I know that when we watch porn that no doubt Mr TTR is thinking “that looks hot”

And I the same…

Now whether he’s thinking the acts being performed (which is what I find makes Porn hot for me) or the woman… I don’t care.  I don’t ask.  And as far as I am concerned it is just a movie, so it isn’t like ANY of these women are in our real life *

I do recognize tho that every couple has their own tolerances to porn (boundaries) so it is something you have to work out.

Example, there are plenty of religious Bees here who’s relationships don’t have any porn in them, as their boundaries revolve around the fact that if a man is fantasizing about porn / sex with another then that is disrepectful / a sin (as in pure in thought word & deed)

And that is ok for them… whatever floats their boat, I’m not one to judge

BUT in my life, and our relationship, Mr TTR and I are ok with porn / nudity, as long as there is no real life interaction

So as I said “Strippers” (whatever a man’s definition) are out.  Live Porn Chat is out.

*And if he was the type of guy to be a Film Porn Groupie, going to a Porn Convention to meet the Actresses would be out as well.

Now is a guy going to fantasize other places that you have no control over… YES

His eyes will follow that curvacious woman as she walks down the street… fact of life.

The important thing you have to work out in your relationship is how you plan to deal with it.

In my first Marriage, when I was much younger, I might speak up and give my then Hubby an earful.

This time round… lol, and I will often make a joke, as I am both Older & Wiser

“Haha, Honey as if… “

And he’ll smirk at being caught… or say something equally fun “hey a man’s gottta dream”… or “I may be old, but not dead yet”

But I also know from convos with Men (many men) that because they fantasize a lot (read ALL THE TIME) you gotta realize that that includes most women that are in their line of focus.

So ya, the women at work, the girl at the Coffee Bar, even GFs and Wives of “the guys” or other couples we socialize with

What men (including Mr TTR) have told me tho, is that sexual fantasizing is less a distraction for them when they are busy thinking of something else (ie work)

So we make it a point to be respectful of each other and our relationship, and not be in a situation where things could go in that direction.

I DON’T socialize one-on-one with other men, and he doesn’t with other women

And we never talk about other couples (men or the women) in a sexual context to one another…

Ie… Gosh Bob’s New GF is Good Looking etc.

We just don’t do it.  I don’t want to know if he’s thought about her in that way… as again it is a REAL LIFE person.

And I do know, that if EITHER of us, being ONLY HUMAN find ourselves interested / crushing on someone else inappropriately, that we’ll change up the scenario to take ourselves out of that mix…

Example, When I was married the first time… and during my first Pregnancy (ya wacky hormones) and very young… I found myself crushing on my GFs Hubby.  I identified the issue, and we socialized a lot less until “those feelings” passed for me.  Now I was smart enough to know THIS WAS MY PROBLEM… so I didn’t share it with anyone (and certainly not the object of my crush, his wife, or my Hubby).  My Marriage was very important to me, so I just handled it.  And ya, within a short period of time, I was refocussed on what I needed to be on… my Hubby & NEW Baby being a family.  Problem solved.

The reality is… just because one gets married, the world doesn’t stop.

And BOTH partners have to have a PERSONAL STRATEGY as well as a COUPLES STRATEGY (negotiated boundaries) so as to make things work long term, if there is any hope of the Marriage being successful.

Hope this helps,


Post # 12
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Whether he fantasizes about other women or not, I don’t think this is something he should have shared with you. How would that make any woman feel good?

Post # 13
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Honestly, as long as he didn’t do anything with the stripper… the going part isn’t a big deal.  However I think it was a SUPER idiot move to tell you those things.  Like seriously dude… have your own private thoughts, don’t mess with your wife’s self confidence. 

If I were you, I’d try to chalk this one up to him being stupid and then let it go, with the insistence that he be more thoughtful in the future.  I know you feel bad, and I do not blame you, but I think he was being too honest and too blunt (about how most guys feel).  You have to decide if it’s worth stressing over or not. Good luck!

Post # 15
8518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think fantasizing is just part of life. You cant just turn off your hormones and sex drive because you get married.

As long as he’s not actually having sex with the strippers, I dont see the big deal.

Post # 16
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand that you would be uncomfortable, but to play devil’s advocate. Does this mean you’ve never fantasized about anyone besides your husband since you’ve been together? I find that unlikely. I think the issue here is more that he shared this with you, but at least he is being honest about it.

I’ve been trying to think about how I would feel in your situation and I can really see both sides. Just because he is fantasizing about something doesn’t mean he will act upon it. I personally don’t have a problem with strip clubs, but my husband doesn’t really care for them and has only gone once since we’ve been together for a bachelor party. So, maybe I feel the way I do because my husband isn’t really into them. If he loved them, I can’t say that I wouldn’t feel differently than I do. 

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