Post # 1
I am feeling really hurt right now by my boyfriend and I don’t know what to do or how to approach it without starting an argument.
I love my boyfriend. He is a loving person and has a huge heart. We’ve been together eleven years and our relationship is solid. We’ve been talking marriage and about buying a home together. He owns a restaurant and also does cardiac ultrasounds.. he is a very hard worker! He did not take out loans to buy the restaurant or pay for school, he worked and saved for everything. He is finacially stable but has one thorn on his side.. his parents.
His parents are very nice nad have welcomed me into their family, but they are not finacially stable. They lost their home about for years ago and have struggled to get back on their feet. My SO and I have tried to help them out, but quite frankly they’ve burned me too much and I’m over them. My boyfriend has loaned given them A LOT of money..I also loaned them what was a lot of money for me. They stopped making payemnts on the loan I gave them and my boyfriend repaid me. I have accepted that we are not going to get that money back. It was a bad judgement cal on my part and I understand my boyfriend wanting to help out his parents. What is making angry and making me hold a grudge/bad feeling towards them is that they never talked to me about not being able to pay me back. Instead, they were ok with their son paying me back after he had also given them a lot of money. It hurts me that they don’t have the courage to apologize or admit that they are irrisponsible. It also makes me really angry to see them be careless with their money. They are always struggling to pay the rent BUT yet they always have money for fun stuff. We’ve tried talking to them about living below their means and they always say they will cut back but I don’t see any change.
My boyfriend and I have come to terms ith the money we’ve lost. We’ve had many discussions and agreed that he can’t keep bailing them out because we need to plan for us. His parents are adults and need to stop depending on him. If we had not ‘loaned’ them all the money we have, we would be married and have our own home. <– part of why I’m bitter. My boyfriend has stopped carrying cash and has not let them borrow any money this year. We are both saving as much as possible. Yesterday I made a transfer from his account into mine (he told me to) and I say a check cashed for alarge ammount. My boyfriend does not write checks. I clicked on it and discovered he wrote a check for his parent’r rent.
Bee’s I feel heart broken. I remember the day his dad called. And SO said “how much” when I asked what his dad wanted he said it was nothing and I dropped it because I didn’t want to argue the same argument again. Do I tell him I know? I know he did not tell me because he is torn, he is a generous person and will give you the shirt off his back. I am upset because I don’t see us moving towards our goals if his parents keep leaching off of him.
I don’t know what to do. I hate that he works so hard for us. That I have to sacrifice time with him because of work and yet I don’t see the payoff because of his parents..
Sorry this is long btw..
Post # 3
If the money my Boyfriend or Best Friend was loaning to his parents was really what was keeping me from getting married, it would be a deal breaker.
I would have a frank conversation and map out a plan for your future. If kids are in the equation, that’s something else to think about.
In a perfect world, the Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to make a decision about how much he’ll give to his parents AND provide for his family (meaning, wife and kids).
I don’t think you’ll ever get the moochers out of the picture, unless the Boyfriend or Best Friend will willing to go there on his own (he’s got to do this on his own – not out of frustration or cohersion).
I know there is a lot on the table, but I don’t see this issue going away any time soon. If you choose to stay with him, it sounds like you are choosing him and his financial burden of his parents.
Post # 4
Borrowing money from your child is the last thing any parent should resort to, but it seems to me that while you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend have agreed to help them out once, they now keep coming back for more.
Tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend that for every dime he gives his parents, and will never see again, it is your livelihood, your future, your financial stability he is throwing away at them.
Personally I don’t know how they can live with themselves asking their son for money and then not pay it back. That’s not family, thats f***ed up (excuse my language)
It’s getting you down, and so it would be. You have every right when your money is being thrown at these people (they lost the right to be seen as parents by the way they have treated you both) and you wont get it back.
Tell your SO to wake up, and stop giving them money – they will not learn if you keep handing out, and neither will you be able to move on!
Post # 5
Personally I don’t know how they can live with themselves asking their son for money and then not pay it back.
This is exactly how I am feeling. Wish I could just tell them ” Well if you got your shit together and tracked your money you wouldn’t be in this situation” But I don’t think it’s my place..
I just need to vent before I speak to my Boyfriend or Best Friend and say hurtful things.
Post # 6
Is there a cultural difference by any chance? If so, I may have answers… :T
Post # 7
So sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’m all for helping out family that needs some assistance, but there is a line in the sand for me. If they are failing to help themselves bail out of their rut with the assistance your Boyfriend or Best Friend is giving them, then I’d hope your Boyfriend or Best Friend would come to see that he is just enabling their leeching behavior- and would tell them he cannot help them anymore if they are proving their irresponsibility. Sacrificing your plans/marriage/home-purchase (and who knows what else down the line) because of their mooching is not okay with me, and could end up being a deal breaker.
I hope you are able to have a constructive conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend on this matter and come up with a mutually agreeable solution to avoid throwing your hard-earned money into an insatiable hole. Best of luck, hun!
Post # 8
@ChickFromDC: no, we are both hispanics. He is 3rd generation Mexican-American and I am a 1st generation Mex-Am.
My boyfriend is just very generous and I feel like he is being taken advantage of by his parents.
Post # 9
I would say that if you are going to be married, then you need to have a frank discussion about finances. How do you both view finances? Is it his money and your money? Is it “our” money? Or some type of variation? it seems to me that you guys need to come to an understanding about it because if it’s “our money” for “our future” then he can’t be making financial decisions for the two of you.
However, you must remember that they are his parents and while you are done with them, he might never be. These are the people who raised him and he cannot cut them off. However, it seems that they need to be treated as children in this situation. “Tough love” seems to be in order. They need to realize the consequences of their actions. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but until you let them fall, they will not get back up. They don’t seem to care if they have a place to live, so why should you? Seriously. They need to learn the tough way here…they’ve had too many chances because sonny boy always picks up the pieces.
Post # 10
Do you think his parents are able to live within what they make and they just don’t?
I would try is asking him at what point will he stop? When the gifts total 10k? 20k? Indefinite? He isn’t helping them by doing it for them.
And then you will have to ask yourself if you can live with supporting them because it’s not likely it would ever stop. Personally, if my Boyfriend or Best Friend was supporting his parents and they could help it and were choosing not to, it would be a dealbreaker.
As a transition, your Boyfriend or Best Friend could give them a strings attached gift. In that, when they call to ask for money, he gives it but noonly if they agree to sit down with him and write up a budget and then stick to it.
That’s what my aunt did when another aunt was always coming around asking for money yet that aunt always had money to play bingo. My aunt said “you know what? I will give you all the money you need but you give me control of your finances.” That aunt never came around again asking for money.
Post # 11
@BackyardLoveBird:Totally agree. If they don’t care if they have a place to live, why should your BF? I think that’s the problem why parents support kids so much to their detriment.
I have a cousin and my aunt said he won’t get a job. And I asked well, how does he get money for gas? And she said she gives him money every so often. I just said hmmm but thought why do you tell him to get a job and in the same breath hand over money? If he doesn’t care to have money to go see his son then you can’t care enough for him.
Post # 12
@BackyardLoveBird: We each have our own accounts and we also opened up a joint account to save for our future. He can do what ever he wants with his money because it won’t be “our” money until we are married. I’m just feeling frustrated because I thought we had agreed he wasn’t going to help them anymore and I find out he payed for their rent last month and didn’t tell me about it. I know he didn’t tell me about because he knows he’s enabling them and doesn’t want to disappoint me.
@Talishazwi: Together we’ve gifted them over 40k in the last 4 years. That’s why I’m burned out and over it.
I will talk to him about the strings attached, I want to have a conversation with them but since they are not my parents I don’t feel it’s my place. When they talk about being short on money I always point out that they can cut back on their guilty pleasures..alcohol, shopping, w/e. those things are luxuries not necesseties.
Post # 13
WOW, this is tough!!
Since he is your boyfriend, I would tread lightly, but the most important thing is to talk about your future openly & this issue NEEDS to be addressed before marriage; but its tricky because a girlfriend trying to tell her boyfriend what he should & shouldn’t do with his money, could cause him to become upset.
The truth is, his parents won’t change; you could have kids and they will still be milking money from him. So I would suggest, that once you are engaged, this would be the time to spell it out & lay the ground rules about how much $ he will be giving his parents (b/c I honestly don’t think he will refuse to stop giving them money, so you two will need to set a budget for this.)
Post # 14
@cherrydoll:Oh wow. That’s a lot! I think you probably just need to be honest with your Boyfriend or Best Friend that you know. Probbably try not to get upset so that he will want to talk about it but I think you need to find out whether he will keep giving them money behind your back or if you two can agree on an amount to budget for them. Or best case, whether he can finally figure out how to say no to them or ever will. But definitely he needs to know lying and going behind your back is not ok.
Post # 15
@Talishazwi: It is a lot! That’s why I feel like we aren’t moving forward as quickly as we’d like to. We need to have a serious talk and figure out a solution. I def think though love is the best aproach.
Post # 16
I think it boils down to does he want a future with you or his parents??? He needs to set them straight and stop giving them money. I really don’t get these types of codependent relationships. My friend is like that with her 2 kids. She got pregnant as a teen and her parents kicked her out. She had it rough for a few years, but she made it. Her kid gets knocked up, she lets her stay, and now she’s got her 2 daughters and 3 grandkids living in her house. She’s too damn nice for her own good, and they couldn’t live on their own if they tried. Neither of them have jobs, because they know their mom will buy anything the grandkids need. Its fucked up, but I think its even worse when a parent is doing that to their child.
It sounds like you both are really nice people, but I would tell him if he doesn’t set his parents straight, you guys will have no future together