Weddingbee boards

My fiance and I went to seven weddings last summer, and since they were all so recent, I still remember what gifts we bought for those couples. We just got a super-early gift from one of those couples, and I can't help but compare! That couple is really financially well off. They both come from wealthy families and have minimal student loan debt. They both have well-paying jobs. Their wedding encompassed a whole weekend where they rented an entire facility, and between airfare to NYC, taking the Metro North train up to the venue, paying for a hotel for two nights, etc, we spent at least $1000 to attend their wedding and $300 on their gift, not even counting the hours of work we had to miss to get to/from their venue.

Their gift to us cost $100. And I know it's totally petty and I shouldn't compare and I don't even really expect that people should get us anything. But when they do and it's WAY less than we spent for their gift, I feel so bitter! I've been unemployed for the past five months and have a metric ton in student loan debt, and my fiance is dealing with all sorts of financial issues with his parents. But we still believe in getting people fantastic wedding gifts since it's a purchase you'll (hopefully) only have to make once.

Does anyone else do this? Let me know that I'm not alone!

@I blew the budget - Your username totally cracks me up, especially with your "I always tend to spend too much on gifts" confession 

Now that I think about it, my fiance and I are basically known for buying Christmas presents (almost always bottles of liquor) and making the Santa rounds, but a lot of our friends never reciprocate. The lack of reciprocation has never bothered me since there's the social aspect of spending time with friends. With wedding presents, though, they're often shipped directly to the couple, so there's no way to see their enjoyment when they receive their gift.

@danadelphia - They didn't pay for their wedding. Their parents did.

Just as an FYI - we usually only spend $150ish on wedding presents. However, for this particular couple, their registry was somewhat biased toward more expensive gifts and my fiance has known the bride for over a decade - the two of them were roommates for several years during college. So, we splurged.

it sucks - but maybe they arent as well off as you think they are? i mean you never really know someone's elses situation unless you go thru their checkbook ya know?

@Dancy905 - I suppose that's a possibility. But if that's the case, they missed First Buy - one of my bridesmaids got us a registry gift for Christmas. However, we did recently send out Save The Dates with our wedding website URL, which is where the registry information is posted ... I think I'm just going to tell myself that it was an engagement present until proven otherwise. This couple is normally both etiquette-savvy and generous, which might be why this is bugging me so much.

@moderndaisy - Um, I was thinking that $200 was the cost of the cheapest item on their registry. But thanks for judging me for spending "too much" and assuming they were made to feel "uncomfortable" by my generosity.

@Mrs. Louboutin - My fiance has known the bride for well over a decade and was her roommate for several years. She might not be blood-related, but it's also not like she's a distant acquaintance.

@everyone who failed to simply answer my "Does anyone else do this?" inquiry - Thanks for the judgement, but at no point did I ask anyone to judge how much money we spent, how much we should have spent, how much they spent, etc. The only reason I gave any dollar amounts at all was to provide background to the story. I flat out admitted that my reaction was petty, but I know that I'm not the only one who does it. Sometimes, people come to Weddingbee for commiseration, not judgement.

@Dancy905 - My MOH has asked if I want to have a shower, and I've largely left it up to her. I'd certainly appreciate one, but there's no expectation that one will happen. And I totally agree that the average amount spent on a gift is a regional thing, and perhaps even a social circle thing. 

@moderndaisy - I agree that it's unfair to assume people have the money to spend (and have been in the position of being the better-paid (and therefore judged) party at dinner). However, I also think that it's in poor taste to have the cheapest registry item cost $200. It basically implies an expectation that guests will spend a certain amount on a gift. My fiance and I worked pretty hard to have a wide range of prices represented in our registry, and I intend to update it to maintain the price variation as things are purchased.

I was really surprised in our wedding by who gave the pricey gifts and who didn't. In many cases it didn't line up with how close I considered myself to the person or how financially well off I felt to the couple.

I've been in this situation in reverse---my husband's cousin got married while we were engaged, and we never got them a wedding gift. I was thinking of it as his responsibility and he never got around to it.....well, fast forward to our wedding and they were so generous with us. Oh, I wanted to eat my hat! :)

I know it's not the same as your story but I just wanted to let you know that it's pretty normal to think about this kind of thing!

@chelseamorning - I *totally* feel your pain about the gift assumption! I've been in a very similar situation (with an ex, not with my etiquette-obsessed fiance) and was absolutely horrified when I found out that no gift had ever been purchased.

I think I would feel very similar. Try not to worry, and just let this one play itself out. Just keep your head up, your eye on your new husband, and accept whatever is given you with grace and gratitude.

I'll admit, I agree with redherring!

In my family circle, it's very cutomary to give at least $100 per person at a wedding. I know not everyone is like that, and that's totally fine. In the end, I think everyone knows this stuff doesn't matter in the long-run, but we can't help but be miffed about it and take it personally.

So anyhoo, for our wedding, my family's side was very generous. Even my mom, who is NOT well off, gifted us a very generous set of dishes (about $200). My immediate family members got us really expensive china (probably around $400 worth), or our really nice down comforter. Stuff like that.

My husband's family, on the other hand, does not follow this spending guideline, which is fine, and I wasn't expecting anything lavish from them at all. BUT, we were getting $50 from families of four or five, and I'll admit, I was a little miffed. I mean, that broke down to like just over 10 bucks a person for some of these families. And we were VERY generous to our guests (five our open bar with top shelf liquor, appetizers, first course, entree and dessert table). Granted, I know it's not their fault that we had a somewhat "lavish" wedding, and I don't expect their gift to cover the cost of their meal, but I thought all the $50 checks were a little, er, disappointing, I guess. Especially because some of those checks came from families that do more than okay for themselves. I think the most we got on his side was $75 from a couple.

Here's the kicker. His mom didn't get us anything. She got us a very nice, heartfelt card, which was lovely, and I loved it. But no gift. She said that her efforts in coming to the wedding and her financial contributions were her gift to us. That's fine and all, but my mom contributed the same amount to the wedding, and she got us a very nice gift. I dunno, I just thought it was weird.

Oh well. Some people are just weird about these things.

Hey redherring, I'm sorry you are getting flak. You are (sorry girls, this is getting judgy) getting it unnecessarily.

I constantly do this to myself, spend a lot on gifts for people, rarely receive anything similar. I think Jessica is right that some people are really generous with gifts, some are not, and you can almost never predict based on income or relationship. It is a nice trait about you two, though, so don't let it sour.

I'll never forget how when my parents were on the building committe at church, it was often the people with the least who gave the most (percentage wise). That is an aside, but generosity is a state of the spirit, not a trait of wealth.

Feel the bitter, then let it roll.