(Closed) SO putting limits on my shopping

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

If you two have merged finances, why not set up a budget together and have “fun money” incorporated so that you have money to shop with at your own discretion?

Honestly, unless it’s impacting him… the two of you aren’t married or engaged… I think it’s a little controlling for him to tell you what you can and cannot buy… unless you’re sitting on a ton of debt or have other financial issues that the shopping is keeping you away from fixing.

Post # 4
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@oldlookingyoungster:  I’ve seen it suggested that you both give yourselves an allowance. Out of your paychecks, you take like $200/month & shop with it. He gets no say. He takes $200/month & does whatever he wants with his money. That way no resentment. My SO & I don’t have that but we’re not shoppers so it’s not an issue. For a shopper, I don’t think you should be completely cut off but I do think you probably need to reel it in (my sister’s an insane shopper & even though she bargain shops & gets fantastic deals, she still doesn’t NEED 95% of what she buys)

Post # 6
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

i personally would be VERY irritated if my FI made me show him every purchase i made in order for him to approve it. that just rubs me the wrong way. if your spending concerns him, i think it would be nice and respectful to talk to you about it but not manipulate the situation by saying, ‘i guess you don’t see us as a unit and if you DO buy something, you better show me so i can approve it.’

that would make me so annoyed! i don’t think that’s fair to you. if he’s concerned about your spending, then i think it’s good for him to communicate that with you and you can make adjustments as necessary. anything beyond that is ridiculous. it sounds like you’re careful with what you spend and it’s not like you’re out blowing tons of money on expensive articles of clothing. i think you have a good idea of what you’re spending which is what matters. i don’t know. i think your SO needs to sort of get a grip and leave you alone. you know that maybe your ‘spending habits’ bother him and he should trust you to handle the situation as necessary!

 

Post # 7
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee

For now I think it’s your business and I would probably resent being told what to do with my money. 

However, once you are married what are your thoughts if he makes the same request (and he probably will)?  Depending upon how you decide to manage your finances after marriage it could be an issue, especially since he tends to be more frugal and you tend to spend more freely. 

ETA: Have you ever added up how much you spend on stuff you don’t really need throughout the year?  It could either serve to reassure him that you aren’t really spending that much, or it could be a shocking number to you, and you could realize that even if you only spent half of that, you would still have a nice amount left over to save towards retirement, or spend on a nice vacation. 

Post # 9
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Umm yah that’s controlling. It’s one thing if you discussed the fact that you would consult him before purchases it’s another to be told that’s what you will do. Sure even though you’re not married yet doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think of yourselves as a unit and your financial future together but you’re also still not married yet and it is your money.

DH is a bigger spender tHan I but i never demand he consult me. He asks for my permission which I don’t entertain since he has his own money in addition to our money. I appreciate him thinking of me before he buys but he does it on his own initiative and its not necessary. As long a were paying the bills and meeting our saving goals he is free todo what he wants with the rest of his paycheck. 

Post # 10
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@oldlookingyoungster:  This is kinda ridiculous. I’m all for budgets, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the problem. Unless you have TONS of clothes and it’s becoming more like an addiction (you have like 50+ items in the closet never worn with tags still on etc.) then I think he’s being unreasonable. We each have our clothing/misc/fun money each month and I can spend it however I want, no judgement. I just can’t go over.. because I’m an adult and I don’t want to mess up our mutual savings goals etc.

Post # 11
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@oldlookingyoungster:  AHH I see, I LOVE online shopping but I don’t do it because it’s such a hassle to return haha You COULD include room for returns. Maybe bump your allowance up to “spending” $500 but keeping no more than $200 worth. That way you have to choose =) Just an idea!

Post # 13
Member
13890 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If I were in control, only bought things I LOVED that are a good deal and still manage to save (which all do actually describe me also) then I’d be pissed that my SO tried to control my spending like that.  My husband doesn’t even try to control my spending, because I *have* it under control, which it sounds like you do also.  I shop for myself, I buy misc things for the house and for him, and he doesn’t buy much, but he trusts me with money.  Unless there is a joint goal that you aren’t meeting, I don’t think he has any right to say that he gets to approve your purchases with money you’ve worked to earn, especially when you’re not even engaged or married yet.

Post # 14
Member
1771 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@oldlookingyoungster:  Perhaps you guys should talk about money and designate an amount you will each save for the future (wedding, house, etc.) and you will each designate an amount to be “fun” money (non essiential clothing, manicures, etc.). This way it is a compromise and you both get what you want.  You have to both agree that you will not argue about how the other spends their “fun” money (even if you think it is stupid). You should also both contribute to “fun” money for both of you (dates, vacation, etc.).

The “he needs to approve them” thing kind of worries me though.  Is it about the price of them or does he want to control how much coverage you have?  Maybe he is just truly worried you are spending too much on things you really don’t need/wear?

Hope this helps!

 

Post # 15
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

ridiculous and irritating. buy whatever you want

Post # 16
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m a shopper too. Big time. If my DH ever told me I had to get his approval to purchase something as mundane as a new dress or shoes, (within the price range you stated) I would probably tell him to piss off. Especially since you two are not married it’s really none of his business what you spend your money on. Also, guilt tripping you by saying because you don’t agree with his demands you don’t see your relationship as a unit is BS and not fair. 

If you were talking about purchasing $600-$800 designer handbags every other week or buying a new car then maybe he could make a suggestion, but a demand, no way. He is not your husband and no matter what he says, it is YOUR paycheck. 

Do you guys live together? Are you engaged or just boyfriend/girlfriend? answer’s to these questions may sway my opinion in a very small way, but still, demanding and gult tripping are not means for a healthy relationship.

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