SO refuses to say "I love you" after almost 11 months

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@beach_lover89:  wow, this is tough.

Have you has a discussion about marriage timelines? It seems like he’s leading you a bit blindly. Has he said anything about wanting to marry you?

Post # 4
2173 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@letigre:  +1, this

What has he said regarding his future?  Or rather, your future as a couple?

It’s possible he treats it like some people treat their virginity, or whether they decide to move in together…  To them, some things can just not be done until a specific milestone is reached.

Post # 5
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think its never too soon to ask “if we were to get married,  when do you think that would be?” You’re investing time and energy here, you deserve to be on the same page. If you’re fine with waiting 10 years or 10 days, now is the time to decide what you truly need to be happy, and to see if your boyfriend can be a part of that. Maybe you don’t want kids but he wants 10, whatever it is, you deserve to know.

Post # 6
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Is he uncomfortable saying it? Did he have a bad experience with women or maybe childhood ? It took me a while to tell Dh that I loved him, even now married . But I prefer actions over words, I’d rather show than say it . Not only that saying it makes me uncomfortable for some reason. But you say he treats you great, maybe when he’s ready to propose Hell say it. I’d give it a bit more time then talk to him again and let him know how important it is to you.

Post # 7
84 posts
Worker bee

It took me more than one year to tell my bf that I love him (yes, he said it way sooner than I did).

Sometimes action says more than words, if all the kind things he does for you counts for nothing (since you’re considering to break up with him), then I say you have more problems than he’s not saying the L word. 

Post # 8
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Love is more action and less words. I have no real advice.

Post # 9
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like “I love you” means something different to him. If he loves you the way you want him to I would try to accept that he doesn’t say the words. It sounds like this is somewhat about your future too. If that’s the case I would talk to him about what his timeline looks like and where he feels like the relationship is going. 

Post # 10
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with PP.  While it is discouraging to not hear it back for so long, you have to look at his actions as his expression of love for you.  I don’t think its worth breaking up with him for this reason alone if he is showing you in other ways how he feels and everything else is going well.  My advice is to look at the big picture… do you love him and want to marry him? Because if you do, there will be a day when he will tell you he loves you and this won’t be an issue anymore.  It’s just going to take patience and understanding on your part.  Also, you don’t want to pressure him into saying it before he is ready because who wants to feel like their SO said “I love you” out of pressure?  You want to know that when he says it, he is ready and comfortable and 100% means it.  Just focus on all the sweet things he does for you and that should help you.  Also, if I were you, I would probably stop telling him I loved him, just because constantly not hearing it back would make it harder.  Find other ways to show him how you feel like every time you have the urge to say “I love you” maybe just give him a big hug instead.

Post # 11
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I had the EXACT same situation with my soon to be FI. It took him almost a year, and me only one month… We are so differwent in tha way, but since he too was the best boyfriend I had (have) ever had, I waited, but I don’t know if I would have waited past our one year anniversary. I was really upset about it and thought to myself that that day would be his last chance. However I couldn’t hide my frustration from him and one day a little over a month before our anniversary I broke down for the tenth time over the issue and he said to me “of course I love you, I’ve known it for three months(!!!??) but I wanted to say it on our anniversary to make it special.)… If only he had known how close I came to never having an anniversary… What was he thinking??? I still don’t get it… Guys. Sometimes you just feel lika shaking some sence into them. He could actually tell me the exact hour and day he had realized he loved me. On our way back from our first visit to his parents’ (in a different city), he almost told me then, but somehow desided he had to keep me waiting a little longer… :s

I soooo get how you feel!!! I think you need to deside to yourself how long you are willing to wait and then stick to it. To much difference on how much we are governed by our emotions will mean trouble…

Have you asked him? I did sort of ask … more like tell him how horroble I felt though 😛 

Post # 12
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Oh I also like to add that I always felt very loved by him and that of course was and is the reason I stayed and still stay and love him so much. Even if I could say that the correct thing to do is to disregard of his words (or rather lack of words) an focus on how he treats you, I know how these things eat you, and how much you happen to wish you weren’t so obsessed with those words, it will cause trouble. 

Post # 13
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

o my I’m filling up the whole tread but I had some more to add 😉 I think you need to tell him that (if this is the case which I think you mean it is) that your idea of love and marrige (engagements) is that they don’t need to be connected. What would he do if you for example had something principally against marrige? Would he agree to tell you he loves you when he is ready or would he never say it? Or would he leave you for the lack of matrimony? Sure marrige is a lovely and romantic tradition but a relationship can be just as serious and loving wothout any legal documents. It is after all just a piece of paper, however symbolic and committing it may be.

Post # 14
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve been there before- it took my now-FI a good 3 or 4 YEARS to come out and say it! I know it’s easy to get hung up on the things in a relationship you wish you could change, but I tried to just look past that one little thing and focus on how great everything else was going. Nevertheless there were still tears shed over that for sure.

Think about what those words mean for your SO. For mine, “I love you” = marriage = having kids = lifelong commitment. He equated those 3 words to all those things, so he needed to be ready for all those things first. Sounds like your SO might be thinking the same way? But now that I realize how deeply he feels about it, it is so awesome to hear him say it. In my case, it was worth the wait 🙂

Post # 15
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I do agree that actions speak louder than words but I wouldn’t dedicate nearly a year of my life to someone who couldn’t openly talk about his feelings. And if he didn’t love me after a year, then I’m wasting my time. It’s important for me to hear it verbally and have my husband behave in a way that shows it. I wouldn’t want one without the other. 

I’d never get engaged to a guy who had never said he loved me. 

Post # 16
112 posts
Blushing bee

I was raised in an extremely conservative religious group, and I remember hearing in training sessions when I was a teenager that young men should never say ‘I love you’ to a girl unless the next words out of his mouth were going to be ‘Will you marry me?’

Apple Blossom is right, it was supposed to be a way to keep emotions in check and not ‘lead each other into temptation’. Must protect the virginity at all costs!

Underneath it all was actually a need for control, which leads to some unhealthy emotional issues.

Maybe ask him about what lead him to this idea that he shouldn’t say ‘I love you’? Was it something in his upbringing?

If that’s not it, maybe he really does just want to wait until it feels right to him. Wishing you luck!

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