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Well it definitely sounds like you're not on the same page...
@jellybean411: I would probably feel the same way you do. I also find it kind of mean of him to say things like "poor girl, youre obsessed". I also think its not right that he is basing his desire to marry you on the amount of money you make and your choice of career. I think thats a bit wrong. I could be wrong and maybe thats not how he means it but thats how i took it based on what you wrote. Im sorry you are going through this and I do hope it gets better for you ((HUGS))
If you say you're young, then try to just relax. I get that you're antsy, but if you keep making these comments you're going to push him away. Trust me, I did the exact same thing and I almost lost my boyfriend. In fact, I went from being like you, all obsessed with marriage, and making kids comments, to saying NOTHING at all, and backing off 100% in that area, and my boyfriends been all over me with marriage comments lately. Like he went from "I'm all about my career, finances, I'm feeling pressured by you.." (exact same things your bf is saying) to... "I want engagement soon." and making comments very frequently.
If you're both young, in love, then just enjoy it! He does see it with you, and he's valid in his comments that you should advance yourself. Don't be in such a rush to be popping out babies because they change EVERYTHING. About you, and the relationship.
It's not healthy that you keep pressuring him, or that you're so focused on that one thing. Feeling resentment isn't healthy either. Yes, you have a right to want to get married now, but he has the same right to be telling you he's not currently ready. I agree that you both don't seem to be on the same page, and instead of holding in resentment, you should talk honestly with him about it.
I question your maturity, with several things you say. You feel so much resentment, you don't act as friendly anymore, he says you're his soul mate and you want to roll your eyes? What is it you want? A husband? Or are you obsessed with having a wedding? Or do you just want kids? I think you need to REALLY know and understand what you're getting yourself into when you say you want kids right now. Please read this page, and REALLY ask yourself if you're ready for that.
http://veronica.hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
I'm so sorry that you're feeling sad and are in this tough situation. I don't have any advice really, just sympathy.
On a lighter note, I'm not sure you know what "boy toy" means. Google it. :D
I don't have any advice either, only sympathy. I think one of the other posts was harsh. I don't think you are immature or anything based on what you said. And I really don't know how long you have been together or how long you have actually been "waiting." All of those things affect how "antsy" you are or how worn your patience is. I will say, that I don't like some of his comments. They lack empathy and understanding of where you are, even if he is not where you are. And hearing that it would be one year before I got engaged would not be what I would want to hear, but I would still wait that long for my SO, provided he was not making the comments your SO is making about where you are in life and your "obsession" with being married. If he needed another year to get himself together, I would give him that. Good luck!
I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted from him.
If you aren't tied down to a mortgage payment, maybe you should move out and live by yourself or with a roommate. I think he's getting the perks of a wife without making it official. I'm not saying break up with him, but maybe you'll take more time for yourself and to figure out your ambitions, as he put it. Maybe this will help him to decide if he wants to get married sooner or later. This way you can do you and he can do whatever he needs to do to get ready for marriage! lol Seriously, it'll work out one way or another.
FYI I totally would have been offended by what he said too.
hmmm. that's a tough one.
Can I ask how long you have been together? How old are you two?
It's tough because sometimes they are excuses for lack of commitment & sometimes they are legit reasons... however if he can afford "boy toys" then he has chose not to buy a ring so it sounds like excuses. so he either isn't on the same page or he is taking you for granted.
my last relationship was 3.5 years. He brought up marriage within 3 months of dating but never did more than talk. always had a reason to not commit. mostly money issue's. he was a millionare (not multi but certainly wealthy) & he thought I spent too much, It was my money. I'm self employed and some years make killer money. I finally realized they were excuses & he could never give me the commitment I needed or deserved so I left. (that and a few other reasons)
He suddenly decided he wanted to marry me and produced a very expensive ring.
The ring was gorgeous the realtionship was already damaged. (several things happened after seperation ) glad I learned & he is gone!!
we have both been married before and I think once it doesn't work some people are negative about it. I find that the toughest thing with men and second time around. I am still a true romantic who thinks I just didn't find the right one the first time.
be honest with yourself & don't settle for less than you deserve.
Thank you to everyone who tried to make me feel better! I really enjoy reading everyone's opinions and advice! Here is a little more about our situation: We are both 29 and have been together for almost 7 years....living together for 3. We are both mature adults. I don't nag him constantly, nor am I obsessed with weddings and babies. I just think that its natural that I want those things at this point in our relationship, and I'm hurt by his lack of interest and comments that are often harsh or simply confusing. My concern is that I'm waiting around for something that will never happen...even though he says it will. I just feel like I'm getting mixed signals. I'm afraid that he just says he wants to get married to keep me hanging on. I would marry him tomorrow without a ring or a fancy dress. I want to marry him because I love him unconditionally, and I feel like he should treat the subject a little more gently. I definitely feel like I'm being taken for granted, and he is enjoying the perks of a wife without having to make a big commitment.
Okay... my opinion may not be a popular one... but 29 is not *that* young when it comes to you wanting to become a parent. Adding to the mix the fact that you've been together for 7 years and living together for 3, he is talking to you like you're a 22 year old and have been dating for 2 years. I have a feeling you are being taken for granted. If being a mother is important to you, you have every right to give him your timeline (ie I want kids before Im 35 and if thats not something you can accept, I need to move on)... and if you think it, if you feel that way - DO IT. Walk away. You may find that he lets you walk, and as heartbreaking as that may be, it would be for the right reasons. Or, he may realize he has been slacking, taking you for granted, and get his act in gear.
Thinking good thoughts for you lady...
@jellybean411:Thanks for the clarification.
I'm sorry you feel this way, but I do NOT think it's ok that he's not satisfied with YOUR career? I have one less degree than my FI (He has a BFA and an MA, i just have a BS), and I think it would be a dealbreaker if he told me to go back to school.
It sounds like YOUR head is in the right place, and he's just enjoying the perks of having a "wife" without the actual commitment. Stick to your guns and have a SERIOUS talk with him. Not that he's going to propose on the spot, but you have a right to know if/when it's headed there.
I think you took offense that shouldn't have been offensive. Perhaps his presentation isn't the best but you still took the worst.
1) telling him the perfect proposal moment would be extremely annoying as a man and I too would jab you back with a "poor girl..." statement.
2) if you know you need a better job, are you actively working on it? all he wants is for you to persue what you say you want/ need... so by him saying he wants to see you persue whatever, he's attempting to encourage you to go get a new, better job.
3) him spending his money on big ticket items is his choice just like you would prefer to coupon clip. Now if you have issues with this, I suggest you work on them now... and express concern such as babe, if you're going to spend 1,000 or more I'd like you to disucss with me first.
@jellybean411: After your clarification about your ages and the length of your relationship, I feel even stronger about my previous comments. He really is not showing concern for your wants and needs and not clearly articulating his. As I said before, I am really bothered that he does not accept you for who you are and where you are in life. He is saying that things about you need to change before he will marry you. That is not unconditional love. I think you need to have a talk with him.
Your situation sounds a lot like what I am going through. My bf and I have dated about 7 years and he used to give me a lot of the same excuses of putting his career first and shared the same criticism of wanting me to go back to school to find a better job. Things have changed since then. He admitted to being afraid of marriage and after I left him, he realized what was important to him. Now he's the one who wants to get married and he doesn't mind what I do as long as I'm happy. Sometimes, people don't appreciate what they have if they are already comfortable with where they are at. Talk to your bf and tell him how you feel... how you honestly feel without worrying abut being criticized for being 'obsessed'.
Agreed. I left my now fiance a year and a half ago. Sucked it up and moved home with my parents. I was being taken for granted, and I don't think he actually thought I'd leave. I'll never forget the look on his face when my parents pulled up and I literally threw everything I owned in black garbage bags and put them in the car. It took all of 2 weeks for him to admit he f*d up, then a few months of talks (without even kissing) and a few months of dating again for me to be ready to commit to him again - and a year later we were engaged. (I'm also 29)
I honestly don't think he is on the same page as you. At 29, you'd better believe I'd wanna get married! I thought him saying you need to go back to school to get a better degree was sort of harsh. I mean, I don't know the details of your career and salary, are you able to make it on your own without him if necessary?
@mandypop: I'm glad it worked out for you.
I hope it works out for you too Jellybean.
At first I posted something long saying how you should be patient, because I've been in the same situation, but then read your other comments. I would have a serious conversation with him and see what he really wants. If you want marriage and he doesnt then you might have to move on, because you shouldnt have to change what someone else wants, just to fit your own needs, and most of the time they wont change anyway. I would have a heart to heart with him and figure thigns out, you definitely dont want to be on two different pages. I hope things get better for you!!
Ohh I feel for you! You know what, 29 is not that young! (Speaking as 29 year old!) and it is certainly old enough to get married and start talking about kids. He does seem to be putting some blame on you for not having a good enough job. You know what? In this economy that you both have jobs is a huge blessing and it sounds like you already had plans to improve your future career anyway.
I know its tough but I think you need to focus on you at the moment. I have been in that place where you obsess over a proposal and it can really affect the relationship. Do things you love, go see a careers counsellor maybe, spend more time with your girl friends. When you feel a little less emotional about the whole wedding thing again, then raise it.
Learn from my fail: My SO said that I was pushing too hard and I was smothering him. He was so ready to walk away and never even talk to me again. I backed off completely. Are we engaged yet? No. But we are now making progress.
I was kind of seeing where he was coming from UNTIL you said that you were 29. Speaking as a 29 year old who has already been married once I would say that you should take a good, long, hard look at this relationship. Believe his actions rather than his words. I wish I had. His attititude regarding your amibition and desire to get married concern me because it comes off condecending and a bit narcissistic. However, the kid thing is a really, really big deal.
I assume he is close in age to you. Usually by this time men have decided that they want to be a daddy or not (for that matter after 7 years he should know if he wants to get married or not). Having lived through this experience I would make this my next big discussion. When we married, my ex was 37 and I was 23. He was talking about having kids 5-10 years after we married which didn't phase me at the time, because I felt like I had all the time in the world. Then he unilaterally decided that he was too old and too selfish to become a father. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back.
You should decide for yourself whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Don't even mention it to him until you have come to terms with whatever decision you make. If you can live with possibly never having children that's fine. But if you decide that you can't ever see yourself being childless then you need to find someone who has the same feelings on the subject.
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So after my last post, I was determined to talk to my BF and get some sort of definite timeline. I told him that I knew I would be getting my hopes up this holiday season, and I just wanted to know how he was feeling about marriage lately. He basically said I was crazy for thinking it could happen so soon....he said Christmas 2012 would be the earliest we could get engaged. I WAS CRUSHED. He said money and career is all he is worried about right now. He is planning a career change next year and he just acted like we have to wait until he is already settled in a new job before we could seriously discuss marriage. Okay, so yes, making a career change is serious, but COME ON!? It just seems like he will never stop being able to come up with more excuses. He also said he wants to see me become more ambitious, and go back to school so I can make more money than I do now. Well I know I need a better job, but I felt offended by that statement. (Just for the record, he has a more advanced degree than me and he makes more money that I do.) I felt like I was being belittled. I bargain shop and clip coupons, while he spends his money on "boy toys", then he has the nerve to act like perhaps it is my fault we can't get married!
Well despite that conversation, we ended up having a very nice weekend. He was super sweet and took me to a nice dinner and planned other romantic things. I kept thinking this would be the perfect time for a proposal. I knew it wasn't going to happen, but I couldn't resist bringing up the subject again. We took a walk on the beach at sunset and I blurted out, "This is the perfect setting for a proposal!" All he could say was "Poor girl, you are obsessed!" Then later on my best friend came to visit with her new baby and he made comments about how glad he is that we don't have kids. UGH! I know I'm still young, but I really want to have kids soon! Well needless to say, after all of this I have been feeling less than friendly to my BF. He is being super sweet and apologetic though. He just keeps saying he wishes I believed him...he DOES want to get married and have kids...he just doesn't want to feel pressured or rushed. He keeps saying things like I'm his soul mate and I just want to roll my eyes! I feel really sad and confused! I think I am starting to resent him, and I know this is not a healthy situation.