so sad: "buying a ring is on hold" :'(

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 5
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@cherriesandcream:  Obviously I’m not you, & don’t know the in’s & out’s of your situation, but if I were you, I would tell him to either buy me a stand-in & get engaged sooner & then later buy me the upgrade, or buy me the dream ring now & post-pone the home building plans.

 

Post # 7
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@cherriesandcream:  im sorry to hear your going through this 🙁 I know it’s tough when you are said something and something else is done. I’ve had to deal with almost the same thing….my SO at the moment, also wanted to finish law school and buy a home before we got engaged….he  said that he wants to offer me something….which I think it’s very sweet and amazing on his part. We have been together for close to 10 years…started dating young so I knew that it was going to take a while. I spoke to him about this…and he agreed that he also wanted to take our relationship to that next level sooner then later. A house is wonderful…and I am happy that he finally purchased one! But it took time and patience….I know where u r and the best thing would be is to be honest with him about how you feel…most men are clueless as to how much we think about all of these things….but absolutely don’t loose hope that he may propose before he buys a house…! Bc he may completely surprisE you! My SO said he would wait after the moving in to the house…which our closing date is dec! But I have a feeling he wont wait that long!

Post # 8
Member
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You need to be honest with him about what you want.  If he wants to build the house, that’s his perogative, but he also needs to know that you’re not 100% onboard with the idea of postponing an engagement/wedding over the house. 

Post # 9
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

@cherriesandcream:  Perhaps tell your SO that you’re not 100% comfortable purchasing a house with him without a ring to symbolise your commitment and taking that next step in your relationship. Offer a reasonable budget for your situation, say $500 for a stand-in and tell him your dream ring can wait for now. I understand what you mean by not wanting him to feel pressured or cornered, but surely there’s a happy compromise in here somewhere! 

I hope your talk with him goes well! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @cherriesandcream:  

Good post here from @abbie017:

Older Bee here… so let me say I’ve seen a lot of life and relationships.

I can hear the disappointment in your post… and naturally so, in that you guys have gone to look at rings together.

(( HUGS ))

You have to be upfront with him and CLEARLY tell him what your LIFE PLAN is… and then LISTEN to his.

And quite frankly… I WOULD NOT SETTLE

A House is going to cost him A LOT MORE MONEY than any possible ERing (even one at $ 25 or $ 50 K and I’m guessing the one you have in mind don’t cost anywhere near that amount)

So I am reading this, NOT that he is thinking long term to build a home for you guys to live in… but rather a stall tactic

(sorry)

He’s seen the rings with you, he’s come to realize they are EXPENSIVE… probably more than he imagined.

And now, he’s looking forward to a life with you… but at the same time needing a bit of “wiggle room” to get out of making such a BIG Commitment TO YOU

Hate to say it…

BUT it is crazy…

In reality, he’s willing to make a long term commitment to brick & mortar… but not you ???

He has his priorities wrong.

I am guessing that he’ll be putting off ring shopping for quite awhile at this rate… next step will be trying to convince you to be putting money into the mix on the house (“afterall honey it is going to be OUR home someday”)… OR convincing you to move in so you all can get comfy as a couple

Comfy alright…. he’s the one looking to get comfy, while pushing your NEEDS aside !!

You need to tell him that this isn’t what you envisioned going forward

A house is a “grand gesture” and you appreciate that… but you want a Ring & a Date (what ring is up to you two)

Otherwise… this house he’s building for HIS Future, is gonna be not only EXPENSIVE but lonely.

Hang in there…

IF he is Mr Right, and truly LOVES you, he will heed your words.  And realize that altho it is sweet of him to work towards building a house for the two of you, he’ll come to his senses and realize that a house won’t be A HOME without you there to share it with him…

Lol not to mention, that 2 are stronger than one… and it will be a lot easier to build a future when you are onside with him

IF on the otherhand he’s not Mr Right… you’ll know it… precisely by what he tells you back when he shares HIS LIFE PLAN (why I said it was soooo important to listen)

Sweetie, if he’s not Mr Right do not waste your time… cause I guarantee that the rest of the scenario as I’ve laid it out above (your cash – your movin in etc) will ALL come to be with NO RING OR DATE in sight.

As Dr Phil says in his book “Love Smart ~ Find The One You Want – Fix the one you got” … some men require MOTIVATION / a sense of URGENCY to see WHY they should be getting married (guys seem to think they have forever & a day… and women, too many women, let them have that by waiting around for them).

DON’T PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD

While he tries to decide if you are Miss Right…

You are a FABULOUS Woman, he’s either gonna realize that or not.

Seriously… You already know he’s Mr Right…

You all have been together 3 years… and are in your mid to late 20s… trust me, he KNOWS if you are the one or not, he doesn’t need MORE TIME.

You guys should be moving forward… nothing wrong him taking some time to save up for a ring (altho if he can afford a house NOW he can afford a ring)… or having a year or two Engagement, while you plan a Wedding, Build a House, etc.

But he shouldn’t be LEADING YOU ON… he needs to put a ring on it if he wants to take you off the market

Otherwise hon, there are going to be other men come a rushing to your side for the opportunity to date this incredible woman that is YOU

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 11
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

Is he expecting you to contribute financially towards the house? Personally I wouldn’t consider buying a house with him until you’re engaged, because the legal situation could get very messy if you co-own a house but aren’t married.

Even if he just buys you a cheap fake ring, then you can at least start planning your wedding and set a date – he could always buy you a nicer ring later on. For me, house buying would be off the table until the wheels had been set in motion for getting married.

Post # 12
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

@cherriesandcream:  ABSOLUTELY listen to what ThisTimeRound said.  +1000.  I asked DH his opinion about your situation and he totally agreed that he thought your FI could be leading you on because he got scared about ring prices.    

Sorry but saving towards a house is great, if you do it together…when you both are on board and want it equally.  You want that ring on your finger, and I get that – he needs to listen to you and understand where you’re coming from as well.

Also, maybe the fact that you want a blue diamond scared him.  Those are pricey.  I don’t know what your price range is, but maybe think about getting something small and simple for now and upgrade later if you really want to.  Think of a budget that wouldn’t scare him – say, under 500 or 1000, or whatever you think’s appropriate.  Point being, you want to be engaged before you start talking about building several hundred thousand dollar houses together.  

Post # 13
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m in a very very similar situation! Only we are buying a foreclosure that will need some serious work..and he said recently that “a ring is the last thing on his mind with all that’s going on right now.” So I understand! Believe me… I understand. Lol :/ I try to see the practical side of it, in the end having a place of our own that we can live together that we both love is really important, and yes as much as I hate to say it..more practical. Even though my ring will be cheaper than most I can’t expect him to add that to his plate when he’s already stressed but it does bum me out.

Post # 14
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’d tell him you aren’t comfortable committing to everything with the house without a formal committment on the relationship front. I know I wouldn’t be. 

My husband bought me a stand-in ring. He hates it (it’s actually gorgeous, but it was a compromise for him) but he did it because he didn’t want to wait anymore. The design was what he wanted, the centre wasn’t what he wanted.

He’s replacing the cluster centre in my ring with a 1.25 carat that will arrive in January – a year after our civil marriage, 18 months after getting engaged and a few months after our Jewish wedding. Basically, there is nothing wrong with a stand-in ring. 

Honestly, I think men who do this are leading women on or are ambivalent about marriage commitment. I know what it was like to wait, I was so over it for a while, but in my case there was never anything being put before the ring – that’s where I have an issue for you. 

Post # 15
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

@krayzay87:  +1. I think being clear that you’re not comfortable with house before ring is essential. I would say it in those exact words.

I have been trying to figure out a way to bring up an engagement timeline with my SO and have gotten tons of good advice on WB, the most common and important being: BE UPFRONT! It’s easy to not be communicative because you don’t want to sound pushy, or to say something in a way that it’s clear to you but not to your SO (men can be dense, or hear only what they want to hear.) But if it’s really important, you need to just say it straight up.

Post # 16
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I totally know how you are felling! My SO is currently looking fo a house ( has been looking for a year now) as well and told me that he will buy the ring until after he buys the house, cause all the money he has saved up right now is going towards that.Logically I can undersatnd his point, I would rather have a place to live after we get married then not but it is still a bummer.

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