(Closed) So sad. . .

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

First and foremost, I’m sorry to hear about this.  What was your fiance’s reaction to this?  I hope he stuck up for you.  Is there a way that you can talk to his mom and straighten things out. 

Post # 4
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with Kurlynut — how did your FI handle the situation? It’s definitely a difficult situation to be in for him as well. Is he willing to support you and explain your side of the story to his family? I really hope things work out for you!

 

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

This sounds similar to how my in-laws handle things- they tell my husband, he comes home and I can sense something is wrong, and then he just lays it out for me.

  I’ve learned from four years of this the fault was in my husband.  My husband needed to learn how to excuse me some certain events, and not let what his family had to say bother him.  He knows why I feel the way I do, and why I avoid certain situations.  I am polite when I have to interact, but otherwise I tend to keep to myself.  It took awhile, but he learned how to deal with his family and if I missed something they felt was important, he would tell a white lie for me.  Recently, my brother in law had some sort of family event I did not want to attend.  When his mother mentioned this to him, my husband said I was working on a new project and couldn’t get away.  She really couldn’t be critical of me, but even he could see she was looking for a reason.  When you’re invited somewhere and can’t make it, make a legitimate excuse as to why you are unable to be there. And if it’s something like a shower, send a gift and a nice card so no one can hold a grudge.  It’s the only way to deal with your in-laws.  I’ve learned not to care about the in-laws- it’s really not worth it.

Post # 6
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Obviously I don’t know all of the situation, but did the one sister-in-law travel the same four hours to come to your bridal shower?  And for the other sister-in-law, wasn’t your fiance’s family there–so technically you weren’t going alone?  This is just my opinion, but despite whatever other issues, I would have made the effort to go to the showers. Not just because they came to mine, but because as the first daughter-in-law in that family, it would just seem like the right thing to do.  And, although your intentions may not have been bad, I can see where your mother-in-law is coming from.  If she sees you as being stand offish, it would make sense that she would say something to him first and not to you.  It doesn’t sound like the two of you have a very close relationship where she can say anything to you.  To me, getting along with my in-laws is very important because it is important that my FH have a good relationship with my family. If it doesn’t matter to you, then that is fine too. And again, this is just my opinion!! Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

Mmmm…your MIL might just have been having a bad day & took it out on you through your husband. You didn’t attent the SIL’s shower because it was far away & you had to work…AND sounds like she’s not your favorite SIL.
I am going to be in that situation…..my guy has 5 sisters….I am super close to 3 of them…the other 2…notsomuch. And one of the "2" is planning on getting married next year. My guy knows why I don’t love her like the others and understands….she’s not the nicest person…and causes drama and hurt in the family.
Does your husband understand & agree with why you didn’t attend the shower? I would have him intervene first off, but I know for me, if someone asks, they’re gonna be told my reasons for not being all "BFF" with the FSIL that I don’t like, I think they get it anyways, I’m not one to hide my feelings. But to keep the peace, I would talk to your husband about it first, and then if you need to, and hopefully have that kind of relationship, talk to your MIL about it.

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sure there is lots about this whole situation that you haven’t said.  Changed your date over SIL’s drama?  You thought you and your MIL were finally getting along?  Without having that stuff to go on, I really have to agree with FutureMrsBLT. 

I understand it’s inconvenient to attend a shower 4 hours away.  Did she travel 4 hours to attend yours?  Was her shower on Thursday or something? Do you work on weekends and if you took a day off for the shower you couldn’t for the wedding?   It might be legit that you missed it for work reasons, but if not….she made the same sacrifices for you, I think in this in-law situation, you could have reciprocated.  As for the SIL who you didn’t know anyone…sorry, I think that’s weak.  Also, you said she was mean spirited, but she did go to your shower.  I can understand that feels uncomfortable, but again, sometimes we have to suck it up and do what’s best in the long run.  (Especially if you couldn’t make it to the other shower.) This current scenario is what you’d be trying to avoid.  And since all three weddings are so close, to have both go to yours, and you don’t make it to either, does look a bit strange.  Did you at least send a gift?  If not, I think you made another mistake.

 But that doesn’t really help now.  If you haven’t sent a gift, you should probably do that.  Have the weddings happened yet?  If not maybe you can give them really heartfelt gifts.  Maybe you can talk to each of them and tell them you were sorry that you didn’t attend the showers.  Tell them you didn’t mean it the way they took it, but that you probably should have made more of an effort to attend.  (Maybe if you don’t get along with them that well, you thought they wouldn’t care if you attended.  But sometimes it’s kind of the opposite.  They use it as something else to hold against you.)  Do you and hubby live OOT?  Maybe you can travel home more often for some quick trips, and spend a littletime with them.  Invite them to lunch etc.  Invite them to come visit you.  Then you can spend one on one time with them.  It sounds like you want to have a good realtionship with them.

I’m not sure if I have the story correctly.  But in-law situations are tricky.  It’s best to try to figure out a plan of action that’s manageable for you, and "good willing" towards them.  Good luck.

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