Post # 1
Hey guys, so I really need some help processing things. My SO is in the Army, just got back from deployment in January, and we’ve been together 1.5 years. our relationship has been great up until now, we love each other very much, we’re a good couple, our families love each other (my entire family spent Christmas with his entire family while he was deployed). We got through deployment great (he said this was the hardest deployment he had been through mentally and physically and appreciated me being there for him). Everyone has said we’re going to get married, including him. Previously, he had said he wanted to wait 2-3 years to date someone before marriage. Well, we found out he is PCSing somewhere (probably New Mexico) in January around Christmas this year. I told him we could continue long distance, but I wasn’t going to move across the country unless we were engaged or married. I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. It wasn’t an ultimatum, because I didn’t say I was going to end the relationship. in March, he told me he could see us being married by the end of the year. I was surprised because I thought he had wanted to wait a little bit. He said “Well, being back with you has made me realize how happy I am.”
So of course I started getting excited and looking forward to planning a wedding. He lives on base and I live about 3 hours away so we’re long distance and only see each other on the weekends. This is important because we’ve only seen each other a total of 30 days since he got back from deployment. In May, he had to go to Oklahoma for 6 weeks for training. We were having a conversation and I asked him what scared him most about marriage. He said, “well, coming from a divorced family, committing to one person for the rest of my life is pretty scary. But I only want to get married once.” I asked him if it was scary when he thought about it being me, and he said, “No, I think we’re soulmates.”
Well…. this past Monday, he said he wanted to wait to get married. Then Tuesday, he said “I just am not sure how I feel anymore. I still love you, I still see us being married, but I just don’t feel as strongly right now.” I asked him if he was wanting to break up and he said “I don’t know.” I asked him if he felt like there was still a chance we could work things out, and he said “Yes.” So I told him if he was willing to try and work things out, I would be too. We agreed to talk to some trusted family members and he said he already had the number of a counselor he was going to go to when he got back from training in August.
Guys….I really don’t know what to do here. I’m feeling completely crushed, and I don’t know if this is JUST ME or if it is a side effect of deployment. A lot of my military friends say it takes time to get back to normal afterwards, and sometimes they don’t want to talk to anyone and just feel detached and like the world isn’t real. When he got back from his first deployment to Afghanistan (Which he said was a walk in the park compared to this one) he went to see a counselor who said he was hypervigilant and had a very hard time opening up, along with some anxiety. We have really been working on him opening up to me and he’s been trying really hard. I just don’t know if this is some shell shock (or even PTSD), or maybe he’s freaking out because he’s never had a long marriage to look up to and his parent’s divorce ended very badly. Or if it’s just the distance? Or if I should just not expect anything to work out.
I just need some help.
Post # 2
singmehome : do I understand correctly: he was just in a 6 week training in Oklahoma (in may) and he is just back home from that? Before that (30 days) he was deployed and had a very difficult time.
(just checking to see if I understand)
Post # 3
Shesaidyes : he will be back from his 6 week training this weekend for 2 weeks and then he will be leaving again for another month long training session until the first week of August. His deployment was 9 months, and he got back to the states in January. We live about three hours apart so we can only see each other on the weekends. Most of that time we’ve been around friends and family, so we’ve seen each other for 30 days total in the last 5 months…most of that with other people.
Post # 4
My spidey sense is tingling like crazy. I think he met someone else.
you have done nothing wrong. He is the one who screwed up by giving you mixed messages. Ask him to be honest about what’s holding him back. He’s hiding something.
Post # 5
raspberrybidet : I did ask him about that. He said he had not met someone else, and he didn’t want to be single. He has always been an introvert and kind of a loner. I talked to his brother for some advice and he said that he has always been the type of person to be happy alone. He also said he could just have cold feet because they both have never had a good relationship to look up to. His brother is who he trusts the most, so I think if he had met someone else he would have told him. He is also a very honest person, and he always told me if there was someone else he would tell me. I personally find it great that he is even telling me he is unsure, because most people wouldn’t.
Post # 6
I wouldnt be loyally pining away waiting for a man who wasnt sure about me, thats for damn sure.
Post # 7
raspberrybidet : yup.I agree that something else is going on.
we don’t know your BF, but on the Bee almost every time and without fail when a partner does 180 spin, isn’t sure all of the sudden and out of nowhere, there is usually a reason. (and this reason is usually infidelity.) Sometimes it comes out right away, other times it takes a while. But each time I just wish these people would have the courage to admit it straight up instead of putting their partner through all of that self-doubt.
Reach out to him asking for honesty. I sure as heck hope I am wrong. Maybe he is going through some stuff related to PTSD. Not that that’s better necessarily but an option.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
Seems like he wants to dump you but hasn’t worked up the nerve to come out and say it yet.
Post # 9
You’ve been together for 1.5 years and half of that was a deployment, with the other half being a combination of trainings and a 3 hour long distance relationship? I don’t blame him for wanting to wait to get married, you guys haven’t spent all that much time together. As for the change of heart, it could be anything; emotions running high due to the deployment, realizing that getting married means having you move across the country and having to be alone during more deplyments, not wanting the distraction of a wife at home when he’s fighting in a war, whatever. Regardless, I don’t think that I’d continue a stressful long distance relationship with someone who wasn’t 100% on board.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry! This sounds awful, and it’s completely understandable that you would be feeling crushed. He got your hopes up high, and then dashed them.
I’m wondering if he got scared after his deployment, and started to worry that you wouldnn’t wait for him without a committment, so he offered up marriage. Then the reality of considering marriage and envisioning it in the near future scared him off. Unlike some other PPs, I don’t think he’s cheating on you (I hope he’s not!). But I do think he let his mouth run away with him and made promises and gave hints about some things he’s not ready for.
Will he be ready sometime in the near future? There’s no way to know for sure. I would struggle with trust after this too. His word means less now, and the next time he says he’s thinking marriage and soulmates, you may struggle to believe him.
Post # 11
singmehome : To recap – you have been together for a year and a half, 9 months of that he was deployed, and he is finishing up 6 weeks of training with more training right around the corner. Plus you are long distance. So in reality you have probably only been physically “together” for a month or two.
I am a military wife myself – my husband is in the naval reserves – and military life is HARD. My husband obviously isn’t active duty anymore but my father in law was for 13 years and my husband’s family lived in 10 different cities within 12 years. My father in law also missed 2 of his 3 sons’ births because he was deployed. It’s not for the faint of heart. My husband also knows a TON of guys who got married while active duty for all the wrong reasons, and ended up divorced just a short while later. That is not uncommon in the military. So in that aspect I feel like your boyfriend is trying to avoid a marriage that will end right away.
It also is difficult to tell if someone is the right one for you when you see them off and on between deployments and trainings and all of that. Sure a lot of people make it work, but obviously he is questioning things. Listen to him. He isn’t ready to take the next step in your relationship because he has a lot of issues he is dealing with. You mention PTSD, anxiety, etc. He seems to be aware enough that he isn’t ready for a life-long commitment to you. His self-awareness is good…people in the military sometimes don’t have that, but he does. Give him space. Stop wedding planning. This may work out but it also may not. Be prepared for either situation.
Post # 12
How old are you guys? It sounds to me like there isn’t much you can do but wait and see. It sounds like you have’t spent much time together and are probably on the young side. He is telling you he isn’t sure. Usually, that means the end is near. I’d try to forget right now that your families get along and everyone thinks you should get married. Because those things are irrelevant if he is telling you he isn’t sure.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. What a horrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s cheating (ever the optimist!) but you do need to talk to him and get to the bottom of it. He does know the reason for his feelings just something is holding him back from telling you. Maybe he is scared of hurting you. Talk it out.
Post # 14
This guy may have some PTSD symptoms going on. Until they’re resolved or he has made a firm commitment, I’d end it.
Post # 15
I mean on the surface you’ve been together for 1.5 years but 9 months of that was deployment, and it was long distance before and after that. I really don’t feel like its possible for you to know him that well at this point and would totally be on board with HIM to not rush into marriage.
I agree that it is possible he met someone else.
I agree with the PP that said that emotions run HIGH during deployment. Which could cause them to sound more commited to you than in reality. It’s nice to have someone there for you during deployment, which is why a lot of military individuals rush into marriage right before (which tends to not end well).
I have a lot of military family and have dated military in the past. It is NOT for the faint of heart.