SO says "not sure how he feels" HELP ME PLEASE

posted 7 days ago in Emotional
Post # 16
94 posts
Worker bee

I was planning to get married to someone that I wasn’t 100% sure about when I met my now fiance and realized I was in love with him. My ex and I were long distance, and I was planning to move to live with him even though I had my doubts about the relationship. 

Not to be a downer, but I agree that what he’s telling you almost exactly mirrors what I told my ex before I officially broke off the engagement and ended the relationship. I never mentioned to him that there was someone else, which in retrospect was incredibly sh*tty. But he had no idea. I’d have my guard way up here if I were you. 

Post # 17
4408 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

merrymargaret :  That is a pretty steep assumption.  You say he needs to figure out his PTSD or she should end it.  Do you know anyone with PTSD?  Have you ever met someone with PTSD?  Frankly it sounds like you don’t know anything about it.  It is a big, big deal.  Losing someone they love sometimes can only make things worse.  Obviously she isn’t responsible for taking care of him and shouldn’t feel obligated to take care of him, but telling her if he doesn’t figure out his PTSD she should leave?  That isn’t helpful.  The side effects PTSD can last for YEARS.  I agree with you that he needs to work on himself, however your assumptions prove to me that you have no idea of the effects of PTSD.  People who love those who deal with PTSD can’t just give up on them like you are suggesting here.  There are other issues in this post which makes me think that she probably won’t end up with him, but PTSD is at the very bottom of that list.

Post # 18
557 posts
Busy bee

ljm308 :  I said he MAY have some symptoms of PTSD. I said until he figures it out, meaning why he figures out why he won’t commit, not figures out his PTSD.  Yes, I know several guys with PTSD. They live next door. Both did 6 years in Iraq. You appear to have some  reading comprehension problems. Please read more carefully.

Post # 19
2577 posts
Sugar bee

merrymargaret :  Lol, that escalated quickly.

Just fyi, you’ll generally be more successful in getting your point across (and maybe even persuading others to agree with you!) if you stick calmly to the actual topic at hand rather than slinging lame put-downs at anyone who voices an opposing view. 

Post # 20
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Yeah he’s not that into you and has most likely met someone else. Time to move on 

Post # 21
557 posts
Busy bee

tiffanybruiser :  I agree. Read my first post and then read his/hers. Completely wrong at every point. This person did not understand what I wrote.

Post # 22
874 posts
Busy bee

Perhaps I’m just naive but I don’t think just because he has suddenly changed what he is saying means he has cheated or wants  to dump you. It may be the case of course, but I also think it is possible that he is making a big life-changing decision and is panicking a bit about it and getting mixed up. 

My DH comes from a divorced family (as do I) and he had a major freakout just after we got engaged and also right before the wedding. He has always told me how much the conecept of marriage scares him. He is terrified of ending up divorced as he attaches a massive stigma to it and views it as the worst thing ever. Perhaps I was mad to stay with him but my gut told me he did want to be with me and it was just negative thoughts and doubts consuming him – this was discovered after he saught therapy to help him break down the issues. We did get married and he had a great day and we have been very hapilly married for almost 2 years now. All his worries are now gone as he realises that getting married didn’t change anything and that we are still the same strong couple we were before we married.

If it was me I would give him some time to work through these doubts he is having. Ultimately he needs to understand if they are genuine doubts about you and the whole relationship (in which case sadly you guys will need to end things) or if it is just panic at making a big choice and doubts relating to other people like his parents (which he may need help with from a therapist).

Good luck bee!

Post # 23
169 posts
Blushing bee

This sort of happened to me (minus the military part) relationship is going great then out of nowhere I’m told I’m not sure about us, think I need to be single, no one else is involved, I just don’t think I’m ready for this commitment etc etc turns out there was someone else and less than a month later they’re Facebook official.

Unfortunately, I think he’s met someone else and is too cowardly to say. 

Post # 24
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

How old are the two of you? It seems like this has been a very intense relationship to take place it such a sort amount of time. Maybe all the time apart he’s realized that you two really don’t know each other well and were rushing. Deployed for 9 months out of 1 1/2 years and long distance when he isn’t deployed?! You’ve hardly spent any time together.

Post # 25
584 posts
Busy bee

If nothing else has actually happened, it could just be the highs and lows of long distance and military deployment. It’s very difficult to know what someone is REALLY like long distance. You see an edited down version that is easy to idealize. You see a completely different side of someone when you’re dealing with stress from work, alarm clocks, bills, chores etc. than when you only see each other when you’re on a holiday or break. Marriage is sharing your whole life and most of it is about sharing the tedious exhausting details, rather than about the big highs and lows (though those are important too). 

That could be a big source of his anxiety around it. The ‘high’ of returning home after missing you for so long may have worn off a bit and now he has to make a decision about spending his whole life with you – without having any idea what that’s actually going to look like. 

Take a step back and talk to him about the source of his anxiety. See if that’s part of it. Marriage is a huge decision that shouldn’t be made on a ‘high’ or with partial blinders on. 

Post # 26
4694 posts
Honey bee

tiffanybruiser :  

Could not agree more . MM has quickly become of one the most agressive and one-eyed posters on the WB . 

Post # 27
1025 posts
Bumble bee

bee, I’m sorry that this is happening to you… but I agree with many of the other posters- you really haven’t been together all that long once you factor in deployment, time at trainings, only seeing one another on weekends, etc. I (personally) move slowly in a relationship and it sounds like your boyfriend does too. I don’t necessarily think that he has someone else, but he’s scared of making a mistake, and who can blame him for that?  It really hasn’t been long enough in dating to make a decision involving the rest of your lives.

He’s not ‘all in’ at this point. I htink your relationship needs more time overall to really see where this is going. That said…. for the time being you just live your own life. Let him come to you, make plans to see you, put in the effort, etc. I wouldn’t expect anything from him at this point. It really sounds like  he isn’t sure where this relationship is going- don’t just sit around and wait. Make your own plans and live your own life.

FWIW, my life got a whole lot better once I took charge of my own life and just did as I pleased with it. I did spend some time wating to see what might happen with a guy … but that gave him too much control over MY life. Once I cut that shit out, then the whole world opened up.

Post # 29
147 posts
Blushing bee

When he was deployed did he see a lot of combat? You mentioned this was his most difficult deployment. 

Please read (or get the audio book) The Body Keeps The Score. It has done WONDERS for myself and for my family. It’s really intense, but talks about the trauma of deployment and combat and why people feel detached (that word is an incredible understatement) when they come home.

Post # 30
31 posts
  • Wedding: February 2018

He’s trying to let you down gently. Gee haven’t seen the cat in a while. Might ask if the neighbour saw the cat. The neighbours are going to let me know if they see it. The pound doesn’t have our cat. Kate said there’s a dead cat down the street. Sorry, mate it’s your cat. People often don’t like to move straight to “your cat’s dead”. He’s just not that into you bee. Sucks, but sounds like he changed his priorities on deployment. I know plenty of army people- happens more often than you would think. 

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