Weddingbee boards

I'm posting to vent, but don't even know what to say.

We are not communicating well. Doing a bad job of keeping small things unemotional and keeping them from escalating. IMO, he turns into an impossible, defensive jerk when he's decided he just doesnt want to continue a discussion that he is afraid will lead to an argument. I, on the other hand, want to discuss something and am confident we can without arguing; but he puts up a wall "to stop it from escalating," goes on a defensive tirade and shuts down. I get frustrated because I'm just trying to talk about something without either of us getting upset. He gets upset because he doesn't want to talk about it, I get upset because I do and I feel he is shutting me out.

I believe he is scared to death that we are doomed to conflict, so he is intent on avoiding conflict by not talking and wanting me to not talk. I am intent on us being able to talk calmly about something instead of avoiding it. Result: I try to talk, he gets frustrated, irrational, and reactive, I try again, he just wants to stop, and nothing is resolved.

Wedding's in about 3 weeks.

Just want peace and harmony.

Last night we went from making dinner for each other and taking care of each other, taking a pleasant walk to ballroom dance lessons, and laughing hysterically at our engagement pictures, to such intense mutual frustratoin that FI stormed out of the house for an hour at midnight to cool off, and I went to bed in tears. We haven't talked yet today.

Yes, we've had a little bit of premarital counseling, but I really believe we need more. I think we both need to adapt our communication styles to each other, especially when we hit some conflict, but in the middle of conflict he seems completely unwilling to adapt in any way, and becomes SO DEFENSIVE. which of course makes it worse.

Ironically, he thinks that I am the overemotional one. Because whene he gets all defensive and worked up, I get frustrated and I express my frustration in tears.

Ugh--thanks to you both for responding...I'm at work so I need to focus but do appreciate your reading adn caring!

troubled, could be a good idea but I think we're both still too fresh from last night's debacle. We have been reading "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus," adn we plan to read "Loev Languages."

Corgi, you give me hope...Funny how when things are calm, we can speak so freely to each other and show such kindness and willingness to adapt to the other and respect the other, but when he gets just a little agitated about something (or the POTENTIAL of something!!!), all bets are off. A bit of frustration, and he is unable to talk about something. The topic must be either tabled, or dropped completely. Hard for me.

For example: When we're calm, he'll say: "We will get better at these things over time. We have a lifetime to grow and learn and improve..."

Whereas when he's agitated, I can say something like: "I want us to be connected," and he'll say: "Yes. And the way to do that is....blah blah blah blah..."<---telling me how I need to change my ways of dealing, etc...instead of saying: "yes, I do too." Like THAT is a point of contention!!!

Something that helped my husband and I communicate (and I find useful in nearly ALL conflicts I have) is the use of "I Statements". It's similar to what CorgiTales suggested.  When you have a conflict/problem, state it using only sentences that focus on YOU. It goes: "I feel __blank__ when you __blank__ and I would like __blank__." So you could say "I feel frustrated when you won't talk to me and I would like to have a conversation." (which it sounds like you may be doing already)

What's important is that you BOTH use the statements. So he wouldn't be able to say "And you have to blah blah blah.." It helps keep both sides from feeling defensive because the focus is all on each persons own feelings. It's helped the Mr. and I in some intense arguements and also helps us figure out what is really the heart of the matter.

Also, wedding stress is crazy and probably amplifying things. I've experienced many of those Oh-so-happy-to-suddenly-furious moments too. The important thing is to keep working at talking it out.

We do use "I" statements sometimes.

The problem is that there is a point at which he no longer has tolerance for continued conversation on a given topic. It doesn't matter what kind of statement I make--once he is at that point, he's unwilling to communicate in any form. I say: "I feel..." and he says: "Then we must stop talking." Or he says "No. Enough. I'm done; so we are done."

Sometimes I feel like we're getting better at this stuff...then an argument like last night happens.

BTW, I texted him about our evening plans, and he has not responded. He alwyas responds if we're in a happy/calm/status quo place.

After reading the opening post, I thought I'd share that we have the same issues...however our wedding is not 3 weeks away.

It seems like the worst thing I could ever do is ask "What's the matter?". He FLIPS out when I ask that. I don't understand why. When he asks me that question, and I really am fine, I simply respond, "I'm fine, baby, you?" I wish he'd take the same approach.

I've asked for us to work on our communication, even bought a communication book, and he didnt appreciate that at all. He took it as being a sign that we're doomed.

His sister says he acts just like their mother. If I told him that, he'd REALLY flip out. Hahaha!!!

I hate when my texts get ignored too...its awful. But text-fighting is even worse! Does a random "I love you" or "mwah" break the ice and initiate a response from him?

@serabell: Yes, this happens a lot that he wants to stop discussing something because he senses it is "escalating," and I want to keep talking it through--and a timeout usually is a decent solution. I just wish he didn't need to "table" conversation topics so often!! I swear, I think he'd be content if we just never discussed anything!

@mudratdetector: It depends. Last time we argued and he stormed off, he texted within 5 minutes to apologize. This time, he didn't. I texted him with a practical question, he texted back with a practical reply. I don't text him with something lovey-dovey right after a fight.

I believe we have a fundamental difference that troubles me: We both agree that we mishandle conflict. But I want to practice and develop more productive communciation, while he wants to "avoid conflict." And he thinks we "over-communicate."

I'm feeling pretty down about it right now. Going to meet up with him in 30 min. to pick out picture frames for our wedding reception decorations, then dinner, then ballroom dance lessons.

For today, he's going to want us/ME to "move on and let it go." I.e., not discuss last night's argument.

At least last night he only stayed gone an hour, and when he came home and came to bed, he gave me a kiss good night and said "sorry I was a jerk."---though not with any sweetness or emotion.

Based on our experience, I'm pretty sure it won't be a good idea to bring it up today--too fresh and he won't handle it well--but another time, when neither of us is upset anymore, we'll need to. For today I just need to focus on the good things we have, and try and enjoy the wedding plan stuff we're going to do today. Just like I would've if we hadn't fought.

Rosiegirl, very true. I've been working on the whole "choose your battles" thing.

Corgi, I really hope we can get to the place you have gotten with your FI. Sometimes it seems like we have, and then...

The one thing that still gets to me (and got to me last night), is this: when I become so frustrated during an argument that I cry, he doesn't show any compassion/sympathy/concern that I'm crying and upset. I know he is wrapped up in his own frustration and that's what he mainly feels, but it really would make it so much better if he saw my tears, wiped them away, and could say: "Yes, we're both aggravated, but I don't want to see you hurt."

At every other time, he shows complete concern and care for my feelings and well-being. When we went shopping for our picture frames tonight, he put his arms around me in the cold AC; just now he went down to the car to get me something I need, and offered to bring me ibuprofen and water.

All I want is for him to be able to show the same care even when he is frustrated or when we are arguing. Can anyone relate??

I love you people.

We're both in a better mood right now. I just sat with him and told him that when we're fighting, even if he's frustrated, he can do a whole lot of good by just giving me a hug.

He said: "It's a lot harder to show you compassion when I am the reason you are crying." <---That sounds completely alien to me, I don't get it. If I made someone cry, the first thing I'd want to do is hug them and try to make them feel better!! But I think it means that him seeing me cry when we fight just makes him feel bad about himself and even madder at the whole situation. Plus he's frustrated AT me, so his mind is only in his own frustration, and tears or not, he doesn't want to console me.

About his parents--bad news bears. He grew up seeing lots of conflict and fighting. I know it has not had a good effect on his conflict style, and he has admitted that.

Exhausting. Believe me, i went through a phase when I really wasn't sure this was right, but we have come out on the other side of some tough moments, and I guess we are not out of the woods yet...

cecullaton, thank you! That is very calming advice :)

and aunt pol, I like your idea! i've heard other people talk about making a silly little joke in the middle of a fight to defuse the situation but boht of us take everything too seriously!!! We haven't mastered the art of laughing at ourselves when we're miffed at each other.

anyway, i am so glad we are back to a more relaxed place now. I can say that, like you Corgi, we have been getting over these blowouts in less time than we used to...we just need to work on not letting them explode in the first place!