(Closed) So sick of stupid arguing!!!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2821 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry, that stinks, before the wedding’s such a stressful time.  Do  you think maybe a calm email filled with love and some apologizes for a short fuse and some advice to him on what you need might help?  Sometimes writing stuff out helps me sort out my thoughts.

Post # 4
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Aw, I’m sure the stress of the upcoming wedding isn’t helping either. Have you talked to him about WHY you want to talk through things? I think that Fi and I are similar to you in that we have totally different fighting styles. I really want to talk things through calmly and as non-emotionally as possible (like you it seems) whereas he would rather just ignore things and hope they go away– and if I do corner him on it he gets SUPER emotional and defensive and shuts down. 

What I am finding helps me a little bit is just calling a spade a spade… flat out say: Okay x is really bothering me because of y and I really don’t want you to get emotional or defensive about this and i don’t want it to be a fight or to ruin our night, but I am not feeling okay with x and i would really like to discuss it. Sometimes we do still end up in fights but I’m finding that where it used to be a BIG fight that led to general pissyness from us both for 2 days.. now its maybe a medium fight with us both apologizing within a few hours. I think its just a process, ya know.

Post # 7
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Something that helped my husband and I communicate (and I find useful in nearly ALL conflicts I have) is the use of “I Statements”. It’s similar to what CorgiTales suggested.  When you have a conflict/problem, state it using only sentences that focus on YOU. It goes: “I feel __blank__ when you __blank__ and I would like __blank__.” So you could say “I feel frustrated when you won’t talk to me and I would like to have a conversation.” (which it sounds like you may be doing already)

What’s important is that you BOTH use the statements. So he wouldn’t be able to say “And you have to blah blah blah..” It helps keep both sides from feeling defensive because the focus is all on each persons own feelings. It’s helped the Mr. and I in some intense arguements and also helps us figure out what is really the heart of the matter.

Also, wedding stress is crazy and probably amplifying things. I’ve experienced many of those Oh-so-happy-to-suddenly-furious moments too. The important thing is to keep working at talking it out.

Post # 8
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@mowi- totally. i’m a lawyer and i had to go through training to be a mediator and this was one of the things we learned that i totally use in my personal life. “i feel neglected when you forget to charge your phone and i can’t get hold of you all day” goes over much better than “you’re a jackass because you never remember to charge your damn phone”

not that we’ve had that fight before. a thousand times. lol. 

Post # 10
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I didn’t read all the responses so I’m not sure if its already been said… but sometimes guys need a little space to think things over before they’re ready to talk abuot them. Most girls need to talk things through to work something out, most guys need time to think things through to work something out. My HB & I are opposite thou, when things go wrong & we need to work out an issue he wants to talk about things right away & it drives me crazy. I need a little time to think things through, organize my thoughts & then come back a little later to work things out.

Maybe when things start to get uneasy, say hey, can we take a little time, think about it, come back & talk in like an hour? It may be really hard for you, but try it next time anything comes up & see if it helps! You may be suprised at how differently you talk about things when you give a little time in between.

Post # 11
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

After reading the opening post, I thought I’d share that we have the same issues…however our wedding is not 3 weeks away.

It seems like the worst thing I could ever do is ask “What’s the matter?”. He FLIPS out when I ask that. I don’t understand why. When he asks me that question, and I really am fine, I simply respond, “I’m fine, baby, you?” I wish he’d take the same approach.

I’ve asked for us to work on our communication, even bought a communication book, and he didnt appreciate that at all. He took it as being a sign that we’re doomed.

His sister says he acts just like their mother. If I told him that, he’d REALLY flip out. Hahaha!!!

I hate when my texts get ignored too…its awful. But text-fighting is even worse! Does a random “I love you” or “mwah” break the ice and initiate a response from him?

Post # 13
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have found that men don’t like to talk about it! My Fiance is the same way. When we get in an argument, he closes up and I want to talk. This makes him more mad, more quiet, and me angrier! Its a viscous cycle! But if you can try to keep everything cool and calm, and just let some things go, it will help. I always try to remember to “pick my fights”. Is it really worth it? Most times no.

Post # 15
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I heard something on a radio program once that has stuck with me, and I think of it every time a discussion starts to become an arguement

“Do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?”

Now, I’m not saying I always give in or that we never argue. But, I always stop and think of this before I “Carry on”, and ask myself how important is it, really?

Post # 16
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Hello date twin!  I understand where you’re at from a wedding stress level.  If you guys are like us, your To Do Lists are a mile long and the wedding is so close – yet not close enough.

When you are both calm, and not wound up, have you tried to tell him you don’t like the way you both act when you are fighting?  Ask him what he needs from you while you are fighting (a little space, or whatever) and communicate what you need from him (for him to communicate until there is a resolution instead of shutting down).  Also continue to go to premarital counseling and focus your sessions on how to communicate.

Good Luck!

The topic ‘So sick of stupid arguing!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors