(Closed) So sick of things… (vent)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@purplebee: *hugs* Im so sorry you are going through this

but its not up to you to make him so happy that he suddenly changes his mind- The only person you are responsible for in making happy is yourself, and by doing so this should also make your partner happy. This is something I really had to learn the hard way a long time ago. There is nothing wrong with you, you are MORE than enough, and its not up to you to convince him that you make him so happy that he should marry you. That is all his baggage. In the end I have to ask you, internally, how much longer could you actually wait. Could you honestly, with all of this being on your mind, without any more signs of progress, wait until he was ready? That is the real question you need to ask yourself. The Second most important question is, what am I worth to myself?

Ultimately, its totally up to you if you stay and how long you stay for. But I think communication is incredibly important in a relationship, as is honesty. If it is really affecting you this deeply, you need to speak with him. Most of all, I think you really need some time to work on what you are worth to yourself- you need to spend some time building up your self worth and not tying it to him, or this relationship. Hopefully once he sees that you can be and will be ready to move on if he doesnt deliever, it will kick start him into reassessing his own baggage. If it doesnt, then you will be ready to move on.

Post # 5
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

(((hugs))) I don’t have any advice, but wanted to give you a virtual hug.

Post # 6
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@purplebee: I think I can wait until he is ready, if only I knew that it would come some day for sure. I think that’s what’s killing me: not knowing how this could all turn out.

Honestly, this is my concern as well. I would be willing to wait forever for my SO but he has not given me any indication that I’m waiting FOR anything. So at what point do you decide: “I love him, but I can’t wait without any hope that this is going anywhere.” It’s a really difficult position to be in. 

I know for myself I keep putting off my own timelines because I honestly can’t picture not being with him–despite the fact that I’ve lived alone before, and have plentty of money and support in the area, but as more and more time goes on (we’ve been together 7 years and are both in our 30s) it’s harder to justify putting off my own goals in life for someone that’s not willing to meet me halfway. 

I guess I don’t have a ton of advice, just know that you’re not alone and I understand. 

Post # 7
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

@Taylor4: I feel the same way. I wonder if it gets harder when you’re in your 30s because your own goals start coming up more, and you’re in a place where you’re “supposed” to be working toward them, and you know how you want to work toward them.

Post # 8
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

*hugs*.

No real advice to give, but I can commiserate (as many other waiting bees can)–I’ve been there. I guess all I can really say is that if you don’t feel comfortable with calling things off, than you should just try to calm down, and let things fall into place. I know, easier said than done, but you said in your post that he envisioned himself proposing in February..

If February rolls around, and passes with no proposal still, then maybe you should reevaluate how you feel/where you stand on things.

I’m rootin’ for you! :] *more hugs*.

Post # 9
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

*hugs* I lack some pretty words of encouragement, but how about frowers?

Post # 10
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

@purplebee: *hugs* sweetheart! I feel for you. You and I are the same age and my SO is just a few years younger than yours. I’m totally there with you. In my situation I feel like my SO does want to marry me and I can tell he’s happy. He’s always saying how happy we are and how close we’ve become since the whole engagement/marriage talk came up. Yet I feel like he’s dragging his feet and that he’s not prioritizing to make it happen. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it sucks. I know! I don’t really know what to tell you besides follow your heart. It’s really one stage of the waiting process and I think it will pass. I’ve been in the cool, calm, comfortable orr about my relationship all year. And it seems like in the last week the bad stage is starting to wear me down again and I hate it. I want to be happy and wait. I want it to be a surprise. I know he wants to propose and I’m trying to wait and not nag about it or talk about it and just let it happen. I have a date in my head (4 year anniversary) that I have to stick to and be quiet. I feel like by then he’s had plenty time and the leverage will favor me. At that point I need straight forward answers.

Post # 11
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

i wish i had wonderful words of advice that could help you feel even the tiniest bit better about your situation but i have none. i do send you loves of e-hugs, though i don’t think i can top the puppy and flower @MeAndDubby: sent your way 🙂

Post # 13
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@purplebee: I understand that with an incredibly busy schedule, and with an emotional time like waiting that putting some time aside to do anything seems like a huge chore. But I think it would really help you to just do little things for yourself- start reading a bunch of books, or working out at home, doing things that allow you to realize that you do not need to tie yourself to a partner to be happy. Its amazing how much better it will not only make you, but it will also improve your relationship. I had this very same problem when I first started dating my current SO- I tied everything I was, and was worth to him, and what he thought of me and how he made me feel. What I forgot was how great it felt being my own person.

You can have both in a relationship, and I find my peace of mind has been bettered by my ability to find something, anything, that I can call my own in our relationship. Right now its my desire to get healthy and better- what has that caused? Now he has realized that it can be a common goal for us to become healthy. But I did it, just for myself, to make myself happy and it has really given me the confidence to be stronger through the waiting process.

It is hard, its even more difficult when someone gives us a timeline but their own boundaries and processes then change that timeline. Its no one’s fault, but it is a reality you have to face as a waiting woman. Im glad you have the strength to wait, if you feel that is what you truly want and feel its right for you. However, I really think finding time for yourself, to work on what it means to be your most authentic happy self, would benefit you not only in this situation with waiting, but also on how you feel about yourself when it comes to your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sorry, you are feeling this way.  I was once feeling the same as you are now.  Not knowing if he will be ever ready and wondering if I am waiting for nothing.  I think if you know that he is the one and feel that he knows you are the one for him then you need to work on what it is that makes him not ready.  Two weeks before I was engaged I had a very open communication with my SO.  It was not the first one but I think it really helped him to realize he really did not have to be scared and that I was not going to wait forever anymore.  We talked about all the things holding him back and how we could get past that so we could move on.  I think my SO was more scared of losing his youth.  It doesn’t make sense to me but that is what it was.  Maybe you should have one more talk with your SO to see what it is that is holding him back.  Then see what happens.  Good luck!!

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