SO has no clue if I'm "the one" after 1 year

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@beach_lover89:  You are young and the relationship is still new. I think you should just take a deep breath and have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

By year 2, at your age, he should have an idea if you are still a wife candiate or not. If he knows he will never marry you, then you have to leave. But if he is 60% sure, then keep going. By year 3, he should be able to 1)tell you if you are still a candiate and 2) what his timeline is for knowing and what he needs to be able to feel ready to get married (buy a house, at a certain age, promotion at work, etc).

By 3 years, you can make your decision, do you wait another year or 2 for him to decide or is it time to move on.

One thing you should not do is move in together unless you know what the expectations are. You dont want to move in with you thinking that it’s one step closer to marriage and him thinking that it saves him money. Then you end up in limbo and 1-2+ years later you are misserable wondering why the relationship isnt moving forward. 

Post # 4
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

Meh ‘the one’. Its such heavy terminology. I personally try to leave such terminology out of my love life cause it puts too much pressure on romantic expectations but that’s just me. 

I can understand why you’d feel unsettled. Even if you’re not 100% sure you’re afraid to allow yourself to get to 100% if you’re uncertain they ever will. I’d say just try and keep that conversation out of your mind at this moment. Just try and enjoy being present and learning about this man, yourself and the relationship. Everyone falls in love differently. Everyone processes it differently too. Some couples know after months or a year, others don’t. 

I’d say wait to revisit or see this as a problem till you feel more sure yourself. Then bring it up. Try not to set a timeframe in years to get married no matter what. It could cloud your judgment/feelings about your relationship. Too many sad stories of people wanting to divorce because the got married as they figured ‘it was the next logical step’ or ‘thought it was time’ but not with the right partner. 

Post # 5
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@beach_lover89:  obviously the difficulties he’s seen in his past will have an affect on how he views relationships, but it shouldn’t overshadow his future with you. At 29 he’s adult enough to realise he makes his own path.

I agree with the PP don’t move in with him until you’ve had aa talk about the future and his expectations. And be patient, but don’t wait forever! Believe me! I spent 12 (mostly happy) years in a relationship that never amounted to the future I want. I’m in a new relationship now and feeling a bit like im fighting the tide to fit everything in! 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I think ‘the one’ is rubbish. What are the chances of being perfectly matched to one person, and then actually meeting that person? Not high, considering there are 7 billion people on the planet and we each know maybe a thousand. The odds are not in your favour of even meeting the one, if such a person exists. I don’t believe our souls were split in 2 and we only have ONE possible match. I think we have many possible matches, we find someone we are compatible with and fall in love. The idea of ‘the one’ seems illogical. 

It’s only been a year. If he loves you, and you are compatible and he says he can possibly see a future with you, I’m not sure what more you are hoping for at this point. Where you are at this point seems pretty reasonable.

Post # 7
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

You deserve to have someone tell you that they love you without you having a breakdown before they do so. I really feel for you and do wonder from what you’re saying that it might be a red flag… however, it sounds like he is lovely from every other aspect. On the one hand, a guy that hasn’t had any other girlfriends will probably be unsure. He doesn’t sound ready to settle down yet. One day you might need to have a conversation about what you expect from your future and your 2-3 year timeline, that “you’d like to be married in a few years” and see what his answer is. On the other hand, it is slightly understandable for him to be unsure if you asked him straight out, a guy with his background. Perhaps he really was unsure and didn’t know what to say without hurting your feelings too much
Good luck with everything 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with everybody who said it was probably too soon anyway. Love and commitment can’t be pressured, and from what I understand he’s not doing it on purpose to upset you, you’re his first serious relationship and that means you need to take baby steps because that’s probably what he needs right now.

Personnally, I wouldn’t know if someone was right for me until I actually lived with that person, under the same roof. A few hours, a few days a week, I wouldn’t be ready after only one year to declare that this person is the right one for me. I personally need the ”daily life” test to know if I’m happy with ma partner and my relationship. In other words, I need to live as a married couple to know if I want to marry that person. 

Right now, you have to be more patient. One step at a time. 😉

Post # 9
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

It takes on average 2 years to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

He’s never had a girlfriend before, he probably doesn’t know what he wants. And you aren’t even sure.why put so many labels abd pressure on it? Relax, enjoy the relationship for what it is and if in the end it doesn’t work out, consider it a life lesson. And don’t try to make him fit into your plan.. just because you want to be married in 2-3 years doesn’t mean he is the one either.

Post # 10
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@beach_lover89:  Give the guy a break. If you’re his first girlfriend how could he know you’re “the one”? He has no basis for comparison. I’m not assuming you aren’t a great girlfriend, you may very well be the exact kind of girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with, but he has no way of knowing that after only one year. There are high school relationships that last longer than that. And don’t ever set a time limit based on age.  My husband was 33 when we got married. I suggest you try living together first, if it’s not against your belief system that is. You don’t know someone’s true colors until you live with them. 

Post # 11
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

@beach_lover89:  I went through the same thing with my FI. I was his first gf, too. I really loved him, and he loved me too, but he was unsure if he wanted to marry me. I took a chance, moved in with him, and by year 2 we were pretty solid, and he knew I was ‘the one’. He proposed a few months before our 3 year anniversary. I agree that I think a year you’re still getting to know the person. Don’t pressure him, just continue to get to know him and see where the relationship goes. 

Post # 12
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’ll disagree with previous posters and say if a guy isn’t sure about me after a year then I’d move on. For me you know when you know and it doesn’t take a year to decide you love me. Especially not at 25. Life is short and I’m not one to waste it on someone who isn’t moving the same direction I am. 

Post # 13
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

So you don’t know if he’s the one, but you’re upset that he doesn’t know if you’re the one? And he was kind of badgered into telling you that he loves you. I see no red flags coming from him but I do see them coming from you. Slow down, breathe and enjoy your time together. You definitely don’t want to be that girl that badgered her fiance into proposing. I hope that all works out for you but you can’t force it.

Post # 14
Member
4909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

A year isn’t very long.  I’d suggest you work on getting your anxiety under control.  It sounds like you’re in a very enjoyable relationship, if you could relax & just be present in the moment.

You’ll also be a much more attractive partner to your SO.

Post # 15
Member
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@southsun:  you said

Meh ‘the one’. Its such heavy terminology. I personally try to leave such terminology out of my love life cause it puts too much pressure on romantic expectations but that’s just me. 

oh I agree, that idea of The One is silly to me. It’s more like A One to Consider for Marriage. But the timing is just as important as finding A Candidate for Marriage.
 
A guy can have just the right girl but if he’s not nearly ready for marriage, it doesn’t matter if she is A One.

Post # 16
Member
13020 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My husband and I were together a little more than a year when he said he started to think marriage and that I could be the one.  He proposed another year later.  Especially if it were his first relationship, he probably does need a bit more time to figure it out.

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