- 3 years ago
First of all, not yet engaged and regular poster going anon. For some reason it said a wedding date was required, I probably just missed a step, but I just put in a random number to create the account.
SO and I have been going through some problems lately. Nothing monstrous, mostly intimacy-related (we’re approaching our two year mark and this is typically when the honeymoon stage starts fading, we’re struggling with ways to keep things fresh). The problems themselves aren’t the issue, it’s how he’s handling them.
SO has a female friend he works with we’ll call Sarah. She’s DESPERATE to get a bf. And when I say ‘desperate’ I mean she has actually mentioned going on ‘stakeouts’ to see if a guy she just started dating and isn’t official with yet is at home or seeing another girl. Kinda crazy. But she’s also nice and unfortunately very pretty. SO is reserved and doesn’t have many friends though so I encouraged their friendship, asked about her, was fine when they hung out etc. He has NEVER given me a reason not to trust him before now and I’ve been with some cheating types before so I know the signs.
But he’s been hanging out with her more and more lately, particularly after we get into a fight he will go and see her. He told me he “vents” to her about our problems, which I told him before I wasn’t comfortable with, but he just said he doesn’t have many friends and needs to talk to someone besides me. Which is a fair point.
Well my spidey senses that something wasn’t right with this girl have been tingling so this morning when he “went into the office” (very very unusual for a Saturday he’s exclusively 9-5 Monday-Friday) I did some snooping. I found all of their conversations on fb and while there’s some very mild fliration, what concerns me more is he has yet to say one positive thing about me. At all. She asks how I am and if things are fine he says fine and changes the subject. But if we’ve had an argument that day, good lord he gives her the entire nitty gritty (usually distorted to make me look worse). And she always responds with ‘wow what a bitch’ or ‘why do you put up with her’ or ‘you should just leave.’ Now I have talked to my very very close (married and female) bff about our intimacy problems to get advice but there’s always some major gushing in there about how he’s amazing and treats me so well and does x y and z and how I want to get passed this and make things work.
But he has not said one positive thing about me to Sarah. Not one. Not when we’re having good days or when things are amazing or when we go on dates or have a great weekend, ONLY when we’re fighting. And then he always talks to her after midnight when I’m asleep. This is a guy who raves about me when we go see his parents and his guy friends and he tells them about all my accomplishments and how he’s excited about our future and how much fun we have together, but with Sarah? Nope. All the bad, only the bad, usually fairly exagerrated too. And her response is always to agree what a bitch I am and to tell him to leave, then usually with a few flirty comments in there too.
Bees I’m at a loss. Should I confront him when he comes home, admit to snooping and open that whole can of worms or am I overreacting and should I let this go?