SO talks to a female friend about our problems…and only our problems

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you want to keep this relationship you need to confront him about all of it.  It’s completely inappropriate to bad mouth your girlfriend to another woman who is interested in you.  Plus, going into the office on a Saturday when he’s a M-F 9-5er sounds like BS too.  I hate to say it but he’s probably spending the day with her, especially if you just had a fight.

Admit to snooping because of his secretive behavior and ask WTF is going on.  He needs to stop talking to this woman socially if he has crossed boundaries.  I would demand to see his Facebook and all other texts immediately (don’t give him time to scrub them.)  Make him admit any meetings and what they did during those meetings.  Or it could be something less sinister where he just likes the attention and hasn’t yet done anything unforgiveable.  You won’t know unless you talk to him.

You may not like what you find out so make sure you have a game plan in place so that if he crossed one of your dealbreaker boundaries you can tell him to go F himself and break up with him right then.  If you decide to forgive then you have to completely forgive and forget.  It may take time to heal and trust him again but bringing up old wounds over and over won’t be good for your relationship.

 

Post # 4
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would let him go. What he is doing is wrong and disrespectful. To me this is all a huge red flag. It sounds like he likes her and I am very sorry to say that. You can def do better than a man who runs to another girl when you have problems.

Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Im so sorry that this is happening and know exactly how you feel about “do i open this can of worms” cuz its scary to think that this may be some major turning point.  BUT – I totally think you should confront him.  I think that if there’s a can of worms to be had, better open that b-word up.  If there’s nothing going on, he should be able to quickly and effectively qwell your fears.  if there is something going on, you’ll know it from talking to him and be glad you know it now!  I find it always better to start the confrontation with something like..”ya know i felt really unsure about approaching you about this but I’m having an insecurity about you and Sarah.  For better or worse i did some snooping and I’m not proud of it but please help me to understand whats going on…referencing the fb messages, blah blah blah.  Hopefully you can appreciate how this all looks to me”

 

Good luck!! my heart goes out to you!!

Post # 7
Member
13003 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It sounds like he’s just trying to make it sound like he’s not into you so that if he gets the chance to get with her, she’s not threatened by your relationship cause she thinks you were awful anyways.  She’s bad news, but I don’t entirely blame her.  He has full responsibility for his actions and the way he’s treating your relationship too.   If he has to be convinced to be respectful of your relationship, I dont think he’s worth keeping around.

 

Post # 8
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

That’s totally inappropriate. 

Post # 9
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@AnonInTheMorning:  Sounds like bad news… who goes out to dinner and drinks with another female secretly while your girlfriend is away? It honestly sounds like he’s dating her.

I’d confront him and demand to see his phone right away. You have enough just cause. Don’t like him wipe it clean.

Post # 10
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It really sounds like he is or has cheated. Confront him yes, but do make it known that if it happens again that you are done. What he is doing is beyond wrong. I have lots of male friends that I do not hang out with by myself. And he is so secretive about it. Maybe I have a lower threshold for bullshit than most, but I would have already left.

Post # 12
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@AnonInTheMorning:  Wow, that’s really sketchy. It sounds like he has feelings for her. I think this relationship with her has to come to an end. He also has to learn how to respect you. Does he really want people to think of you as some bitch that he puts up with but really should leave? That’s why I never vent about FI, I don’t want people to think he’s a terrible guy. Our problems are between US. If I really have to talk to someone, I have a little journal-type thing on the internet and I’m really vague (and most of the time I end up deleting it)

If he wants to vent so badly, there are other outlets for him to do so that are impersonal (such as what you’re doing now). He doesn’t have to be chatting up some pretty girl who would love nothing more than for him to drop you and whisk her away.

Post # 14
Member
7259 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

HUGE red flag! First of all, nobody should talk badly about their partners to others because thy won’t forgive them the way that you will. Second, this sounds like emotional cheating at the very least to me. I don’t buy that he only paid for a drink, and even if he did, it’s really weird tht he took her to dinner and didn’t mention it to you. I would not put up with this behavior.

 

Post # 15
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AnonInTheMorning:  I have a female friend who I adore, but she really only gets in touch with me when she’s having problems with her fella. That, for whatever reason, is when she values talking to me most. I commiserate, offer her sympathy or advice, try to give her his potential point of view, etc. There are some friendships that are just set up that way, and I think it’s okay. I know her well enough to know that if it was ALL bad, she wouldn’t be with him.

THAT BEING SAID: your guy doesn’t seem to understand that the dynamic changes when it’s a male/female friendship, whether it should or not. He really may be being entirely innocent about  it, but he is potentially giving this chick the wrong idea. If you talked to him calmly about what this would seem like from a female perspective, he might have a ‘lightbulb’ moment, and adjust their interaction accordingly.

 

Post # 16
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee

@AnonInTheMorning:  At the very least, he is emotionally cheating on you. I think you should admit to the snooping, confront him with all of the information, and go from there.

Personally, I know that I would not be okay with any of the things your SO has done. Unless he cuts her out of his life, I think I would probably leave if I were you.

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