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We've been together for almost 2 years. We have so many common interests, he's thoughtful, sincere, and most of all honest and totally unselfish. We have the same life goals and values and our views on raising children are totally on the same page.
These things you said here are wonderful, however, they don't make someone perfect for you. This doesn't mean he will make you happy just because he has some of the traits you are looking for. I think you already know what this isn't working for you. This will be a tough decision either way and I wish you luck. *hugs*
Have you thought about couples counseling? Or if he won't go, counseling for yourself? There seems to be a lot of things going on that need work.
Just because you are practical and worry about how you're going to live for the next two weeks while he's drinking away your money at the bar does not mean you are unhappy and negative. Someone has to worry about that kind of stuff!
Him making a gross, general statement like that is not fair. Just because you may not be AS happy and go-lucky as him does not make you the total opposite.
Now that you've admitted, however, that you are unhappy about some stuff, you need to try really hard to find out what those things are. You can't really work on being happy unless you know what's making you so sad.
:( Hugs to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this! I am reading a book right now called ScreamFree Marriage and it talks about these types of cycles where he stays out late, you complain, causing him to stay out more. It sounds like you might be dealing with a little bit of depression as well, saying you are generally not happy. I have been there, so PM if you need anything. I also think the separate accounts thing was a bit of an overreaction, although I probably would have done the same thing. He probably didn't realize what the circumstances were. Everybody goes through phases where things aren't perfect and if you think you're meant to be together, keep working at it. Maybe you should have one of those hard conversations about how each of you are feeling and just lay it out, no consequences and no grudges held. Then, you can figure out where to go from there.
You sound like you have exactly the same relationship one of my close friends just got out of. Her SO always put his friends ahead of her, would cancel on her at the last minute because he got a better offer from one of his boys, would tell her how negative she is (although she really kind of is... I can't blame him there), lied about where he was, etc. It was terrible. She stayed though because he was good on paper: Good job, house, nice car, money in the bank. But here's what I told her: Just because someone is good on paper, does that make them good for your heart? What are you getting out of this at this point? The guy was a compulsive liar and treated her like she was at the bottom tier of his priorities, what in the world is there worth sticking around for?
When it came down to it, she was scared of starting over at 30. She didn't want to enter the dating scene again. She felt like she didn't have many friends and the ones she does have are married or in serious relationships, she felt like she was on the outside. BUT it's not like being in a relationship with this guy put her on the "inside". He was only interested in her accomodating to his life and his needs, not vice versa. They dated for nearly two years and the only time I met him was at my wedding despite being invited to our house at least a dozen times for dinner, parties, etc.
At some point you have to put your happiness first. If there are more bad days then good then I think you need to carefully assess the situation. Have you two talked about going to counselling? It sounds like you have different perspectives on expectations of time spent together, managing money, etc.
hmm. You're not going to want to hear this, but I'd leave. It sounds like he's not invested, and it sounds like he's putting you down. You may think you're perfect, but, mostly healthy relationships don't include people calling you miserable.
Have you always been like this or is it him? I've read articles sometimes about how most people have kind of a baseline level of happiness that stays with them regardless of most of what happens to them-- and I feel like I see that in a lot of my friends.
I'm a generally happy person regardless of what is happening in my life (I'm still happy even if i'm unhappy about a THING in my life). My husband is kind of not. He tends to be more melancholy. It's just who he is and it doesn't mean he isn't happy about us or about our life but he has a yearning soul I feel like where he's always wanting where-as my baseline is contentment.
Therapy might be a good idea (for you or for you both) but I don't think that you have to be "rainbows and sunshine" to be a good person or be love-able.
Mostly I would be concerned that he is saying these types of things to you and picking these little arguments and then not coming home after work at least four nights a week. Do you know where he goes?
Unfortunately, the truth always hurts :( Being around unhappy, negative people will and does drive other people away. Perhaps you are giving off a bad vibe lately and he is going out to "stay" away from it, as it becomes more and more difficult to come home after a long day of work to someone that is not up beat, happy, positive. I've been there, not only in relationships with men, but family also. And than there are just Debbie Downers of the world, who just are not happy regardless (if it's sunny and 60, that person says,but only if it were sunny and 70) .
Could you be in a winter funk ? A lot of people go thru that and now that spring is upon us, perhaps your mood will naturally be enlightened. Have you examanined yourself and agree with what he's saying ? If so, than you need to find things to be positve about. Make a list of happy / sad, like a pros/ cons list.
It sounds like you are berating yourself some by feeling he puts his friends on the same level as you. Does he really, truly do things to make you feel that way, or is it a thought of how you make yourself feel ? Do you work, get out, see friends of your own besides coffee w/ your brother ? Maybe you need to get more active in life itself and not be waiting on him to make your life happy. I think if you make some minor changes in a daily routine, do some things that make you happy, you may find a simply solution. Once you start getting active, having some fun things that you own and belong to you, it might just bounce off of you and he will notice the difference and you two will fall back into a happy place with each other :)
Be strong, have faith and be good to yourself :)
I do hate to tell you this as well but, IMO, it doesn't sound like this is going in a healthy direction. And, if I were in your shoes I would probably be a little concerned about all the nights out. From what you have said, it sounds like there is probably someone better suited for you out there. I'd probably leave. Good Luck!
is it you or him; is he spending time with friends because you are unhappy? or is he the problem; sounds like you need a heart to heart so you dont waste more time wondering
@mwitter80: Thank you :) And that's what I keep going back to... so many things are right, but that doesn't make HIM right. Sometimes, I just don't feel like "it's" there.
@Bostongrl25: Yes. I need to go, and have needed to go. It's just hard to make that dang phone call.
@CorgiTales: I really think that's where it's at. I defnitely tend to be a very melancholy person full of modesty whereas he's a very outgoing person, loving life, and doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks. When one thing goes wrong, it upsets my entire day. I am not sure if there's anything I can do about that, maybe counseling. I process emotions very deeply and strongly. "but he has a yearning soul I feel like where he's always wanting where-as my baseline is contentment" YES. this is exactly, exactly where we're (I'm) at. But obviously, even with this discrepancy, you two have made it work. Tell me more about you two!
@bakerella: Ok I think maybe I made it sound more terrible than it is.. because it isn't as bad as your friends situation (I hope she is doing great!) He always puts me first on weekends, and we usually spend them together... and invites me to come during the evening sometimes but I normally don't. (I don't love the bar scene). It's just the dogs need let out at 5 everyday and who does that? ME. I am just going to start making plans on his early day off (Wednesday) so the HE has to come home to let out the dogs!
@MrsCoachBtoBee: I think that's exactly what happened. It's gotten worse and I think I know why. In the middle of an argument, he called his MOTHER.. well, she sided with me on the going out issue.. and I think that really ticked him off so he's just doing it more and throwing a little tantrum. I just need to start doing my own thing and enjoy my ME time.
TBH, as a generally happy person (I've been described as rainbows and sunshine too :)), it can be frustrating to hang out with my friends who are a little more... melancholy. It's hard when you have such opposing views on life that the relationship can start to wear on you. Maybe you do this already, but do you take time to really tell him what about him/your life together/life in general makes you truly happy? Not saying he's right, just that I know when I am close and comfortable with someone, I can get in a rut of using them only to complain about things and forget to show them how much I really appreciate them and how happy they make me.
That said - His actions are not excusable at all, you should be #1 in his life for sure. That statement is pretty harsh. Plus, I think he sounds kind of shady with the disappearing after work every night...
I hope your situation gets better!
@Miss Lilac: Yes, I do always know where he's at.. .with his two single buddies. Either at the bar or at one of their houses. I told him... well, there's a reason they're single! And do you notice all your friends with g/fs aren't up there every night? Grrr.
@Doubtful: He's told me this before, and yes we are happier when I'm happy, but I just can't seem to stay happy. It might be for a few weeks, things are great, and then I start thinking things aren't good, or something happens and I just feel unhappy again. I don't blame him, I do think he's probably repelled by be being unhappy. But I feel like he's got such this negative image of me in his head now that I could never ever change it. :( I do in a sense agree with him, it's just hard to admit. (and YES I HATE WINTER. I would move to the Carolinas in a heartbeat if he'd go with me). And no, I hardly ever get out and do things on my own. I hate exercising (it's always given me a headache since I turned about 20ish). I have been to the dr with no avail. I probably need to do some yoga, but then comes the fact we have 2 dogs and no place to "relax". My friends are his friends, I live in his hometown, and all my college friends moved away. It's not easy sometimes. Thank you dearly for your comments, they really have made me think and I think I will find them to be extremely helpful :) :)
@nowifey: He called his mom in the middle of your fight? Wtf? One of the first ground rules I laid out with FI when we moved in together is that our disagreements are between US. We're adults, in an adult relationship and we figure our issues out like.... you guessed it! Adults. Not little kids running to our parents. So that irks me... like, a lot.
@MrsWrangler: I think if I lived in Florida I would be happy too!! :) haha. I think the winter has a huge impact on my emotional well being, honestly. Now that I am trying to sit back and put it into perspective (THANK YOU WB!) I am sure he goes to the bar because he doesn't want to be around my negativity. I don't feel like I'm negative all the time, just more than he can really deal with.
I have a feeling you guys don't spend quality time together and the reason is lately he doesn't want to and the reason he doesn't want to is because you somehow make it not fun to be around you.
There's got to be a fix for that. Maybe you could look into some counselling. Maybe you could dig a little deeper as to why you're unhappy and down all the time. Maybe instead of thinking about how bad things are take a look at the bright side?
I'd bet a lot of his reasoning that he goes out with this friends and stuff is related to him having more fun, and being in a more positive state around his friends than how he's feeling with you.
It's up to you to make a change in yourself. And from there he might be more gravitated towards you. Now you don't have to be little miss sunshine, just don't be such a downer. And make a concious effort to say something nice to him, and about your day and smile.
@Miss Lilac: That's exactly what I thought!! He is an only child, so that explains why. And, it's the only time that's happened in 2 yrs, so I'm not too worried about the future. I knew she would side with me too so that's why I just let the call happen and not fuss (is that awful of me?!?!) He put something on FB one time when we got into an argument and that's the first and last time that will EVER happen. Oooh I was so.mad.
@nowifey: You know, I can agree with you there... Even in FL winter, I HATE it. Wears on my very soul. Thank God it's so short here.
@MrsWrangler: I'm ready to move! You are too lucky, I could only WISH 40 degrees was soooooooo cold. Here, 40 degrees in the early spring is sooooo warm. This winter was especially rotten. Lots of ice and tons and tons of snow. The place I work closed for the first time in 15 years!
I wouldn't say this based on this post and this fight alone, but based on other things I've seen you post about your situation, I think you need to get rid of him before you get stuck with him. You're unhappy, you're being the adult, cleaning up after him, doing everything he asks of you and getting nothing in return. He's not putting you first, he's calling his mom in the middle of fights, getting someone to take care of the dogs while he goes out to the bar... None of this makes him a terrible person, but it makes him someone who is not committed to your happiness, and then complains about your mood.
You are putting him first, but he is not putting you first. You deserve better than that.
If you feel generally unhappy for no reason, or have difficulty going for long periods without experiencing anxiety it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist.
Do it for you, though, not him. Your happiness is important for its own sake, not because your failure to be sufficiently cheerful makes someone else uncomfortable.
Honestly, based on your previous posts I'd find it difficult to be perky on any kind of consistent basis. You're basically living with a teenager, which would drive anyone crazy.
@nowifey: you asked more about us... and I guess how we work with being so different in that respect. I guess we just... get over it? lol. I don't know. More me than him really because my contentment doesn't seem to bother him so its really just my frustration when he seems "meh" and I'm excited. I used to get more upset about it and feel like maybe nothing would ever make him happy but then I realized that he isn't unhappy... he is just yearning.... driven. We both love our house but he dreams of the next one and how much better it could be. He loves his job but he's driven to do better, rise higher. On one hand this drive makes him rarely content and it is frustrating sometimes but I also recognize that he has a drive I don't have. I'm content which means I probably don't try as hard as he does because honestly I'm happy regardless! So I think we kind of balance each other out. I push him a little to stop and smell the roses, be in the moment. He pushes me a little to try harder to achieve things. Every relationship is different obviously so you just have to find what works for you and you have to be okay with being different. For me I think I realized that if I was with someone just like me we might not ever get that much done because my contentment definitely comes along with a lack of motivation! haha
p.s. it does sound like there are other issues you two maybe need to work out... my point was just that not everyone has to be perky to be normal :)
Him telling you that you're the unhappiest person he knows was wrong, and probably in mean spirits (the fact that he said it in a serious tone was probably meant to be manipulative- like, hey, you can't get mad at me for saying this because I'm not angry, I'm serious). He made a hurtul comment disguised as a calm reflection. When someone you love is having a hard time and possibly suffering from a bit of depression, your reaction should be concern, not accusatory. Did he ask if there was anything he could do to help you feel better? Any positive encouragement? No, he can't be responsible for your happiness, but it seems like he doesn't care to help.
From what I can tell it seems like in your relationship you are the one with all the responsibility. You're the one who has to worry about money, and taking care of the dogs and make sure everything is done. It almost sounds like you have to take care of him like you're his mother. I say that because I feel that way about my FI someitmes. His parents did not teach him responsibility with money, nor did they make him clean up after himself. So when he moved in with me he acted like a teenager (btw, he moved in with me when he was 30, he lived at home till he moved here with me). His parents did EVERYTHING for him. And he had no concept of real life responsibitiy and worries. So, yeah, sometimes i do feel like the negative one, but i'm also the more ADULT one. I have to worry if all the bills are getting paid on time, I have to worry about their being enough money for gas for the rest of the week, etc..
I was so over all that after two months. I started giving him lists of things to do in his evenings off, and his days off (while i was at work). And that took a big stressful burden off me, as well as taught him responsibility. I'm a much happier person now, and i don't feel so "naggy." Some people need more direction than others. I found that if I tell FI to do XY and Z before i get home, it gets done. But if i don't tell him, he won't do a darn thing. Thats the next hurdle I have to tackle: getting him to do things on his own without being told.
So... I was on my home from work yesterday and after reading all of your comments, I decided.. you know what? I'm going to be HAPPY tonight. Nothing in the world can upset me, I am just going to be plain happy and not complain, feel hurt or upset.. nothing. And I did. And it was wonderful! We laughed and had a great evening together. He was a lot more affectionate than usual, which I love. So now if I could just do that everyday.....
@magicpotato: You hit on good points, I honestly don't think he realized at all that I might have any sort of issue, he just thought I was being crabby on purpose I guess. I don't want to be negative, but I am coming to realize I am a lot of the time actually :/ I told him I need his help and support, instead of him beating me up for not being happy all the time. He said he'd never looked it that way and he feels awful.
@Lee_Ann: Do we have the same SO?! Seriously! If I ask him to do something, absolutely he will do it. Almost 100% of the time. But if I don't ask him, forget it. No way will he make the extra effort. My SO was an only child too. I love him to death, but I am with you, sometimes I feel like the only adult!
I think you really need to figure out if this is just a tough time, or the norm. We go through periods of time in our relationship where stress levels are high and it's tough to cope. Sometimes we take it out on each other, but it never lasts long and we always apologize. If you're both unhappy all the time, I think you need to look at why. If counseling is not in the cards, why not spend some time just committing to fun and free "dates" where you set some ground rules - like not talking about money? That should give you an idea of whether you really still click as a couple. I would trust your gut in a situation like this. Unfortunately reading it over the internet just isn't the same as living it, you know?
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It broke my heart and was obviously very hard to hear. I don't think either of us are happy, but somehow we think we're right for each other. I'm just generally not happy. Period. Whether it's him or me or us I don't know.
We haven't really been getting along lately and I'm not sure what to do. We've been arguing about petty things.. Last night, it was about money. Which has never happened. He didn't realize how bad financially things really were and spent $20 at the bar when we have $100 to live on for the next 2 weeks. (It's not usually that bad!) So I kind of freaked out a bit when I saw that charge, and that eventually resulted in me telling him I'd like to get separate checking accounts and then later in the night when we'd both calmed down he told me very sincerely that I'm the most unhappy and negative person he's ever met. He's a happy go lucky person, mr. rainbows and sunshine... and I just am very emotional and deep. We process reality differently and I'm afraid that might lead to our demise, I don't know.
And I have a problem lately with him going somewhere after work every single night of the week (at least 4). It's becoming more frequent and longer. My other big thing is I feel like I'm on the same "level" (or even below) his friends. He puts them before me, and bends over backwards to help them at their beck and call. Not that he doesn't help me, but I feel like they always come first. I've tried talking to him, and he just gets upset and defensive and doesn't think he's in the wrong because they're his "brothers" (he's an only child) and he grew up with them. I have coffee w/ my brother once a week, not beer every night!
We've been together for almost 2 years. We have so many common interests, he's thoughtful, sincere, and most of all honest and totally unselfish. We have the same life goals and values and our views on raising children are totally on the same page.
I just don't know if I should give up on the "big picture" or work at it. Obviously something's not right.