SO text me with "we need to talk"

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11626 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just try to stay calm.  Expecting the worst won’t do anything.  She clearly has thought about this and has something she needs to discuss, so give her the respect and courtesy of hearing her out before freaking out or getting really emotional.  I’m so sorry to hear you guys are going through a rough patch, but if it’s meant to be, it’ll all work out!  Good luck!

Post # 5
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@soontobemrsm11:  Good luck with your talk. She obviously has something on her mind, so as PP said hear her out. As a side note, I hate when people leave a note or text saying we need to talk, though I suspect that has more to do with your opposite schedules.

Post # 7
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’m so sorry for the stress this has caused you, this situation would make anyone anxious! Do you think she is wanting to talk about your timeline being pushed back? Is she the type to give an ultimatum? As others have said, just give her the ability to air her concerns, whatever they are, and go from there. Try to calm down in the next half hour…there’s really nothing you can do about it at the moment, so have a cup of tea and BREATHE. This is why people hate “we need to talk” notes… it’s so much worse not knowing what issues/concerns you’re up against. Hopefully you’re overthinking things and it will be a productive conversation! Sending internet hugs. 

Post # 8
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Uhkkkkkk I hate “we need to talk”. I get the same way as You. It’s been a long few years since I’ve heard that but I feel for you.  You’ll be ok ! 

Post # 9
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@soontobemrsm11:  I’m sorry. I personally find it cruel to text something like this. If I have to talk to my husband, that means using my words when we are physically together. Telling him advance would only stress him out. I also can’t remember the last time I had an omnious “let’s talk” conversation. We try to keep communication really open so there are no surprises. 

I hope it all works out!

Post # 10
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d seriously hate to receive a text like this and also agree it is unkind. How else, other than with a sense of panic and impending doom are you supposed to take this sort of message? If I had to have a serious talk with my DH I’d raise the need in person at a time when it was possible to have a properly thorough discussion. Although in truth, we tend to tackle issues long before they become emotional dramas.

Hope all isn’t as serious and worrying as you fear right now, OP.

Post # 11
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@soontobemrsm11:  I hate the ‘We need to talk’ messages.  She said she doesn’t want to break up but it could get to that…and you’ve mentioned that she is upset about the delayed proposal (been there myself).

If she loves you she will work with you through this.   Are you 100% sure about not getting married, any chance you will want to get engaged before 6 months?

Post # 12
547 posts
Busy bee

@soontobemrsm11:  What a cryptic text. It was insensitive of her to send a text that could have had you reeling at 1 am. Not cool. Women can be pretty petty so maybe her intenf was to scare you, but she isn’t actually wanting to break up.  Hopefully all is well. Good luck OP. 

Post # 13
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would just take this time apart today to try to focus on what you will say to her as well, especially to the “we’re 2 different people” theory she seems to have come up with! Try not to stress all day, by the time you actually get to talk to her you will have been on pins and needles for hours. I know it’s easier said than done, but just try! Maybe even do something nice for her beforehand. Sort of a “I know you’re mad at me, and I’m frustrated with you, but I still love you and lets work on this” type of deal. 

Post # 14
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Steampunkbride:  +1 agree with this. It’s the kind of thing I would done when I was younger and more volatile, and I would send a text like that because I wanted to scare the person on the other end.

OP, I hope you guys can work things out but I don’t think her behaviour is very mature or very fair.

Post # 15
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Yesterday morning we got into a bit of a tiff but it wasn’t even that bad. I was emotional and we talked it out and I thought everything was fine. We even reached a compromise.

Sooo… have you ever had one of those fights where you and your SO make a compromise and it turns out that the deal was kinf of one-sided (usually not intentionally) and you still feel resentful after? Like your issue wasn’t even addressed?
I wonder if that’s sort of what’s going on here…

I wouldn’t panic about it, as that’s not going to help things very much.
She sounds a little hurt, and her texts sort of indicate that she’s in a more defensive mode than usual.

I think spending some time today brushing up on your communication skills a tiny bit – not saying they’re bad, but if you’re this worried right now it might help you feel more prepared and relaxed later, when you two talk.

There’s this really great book we read a while ago called Communication Miracles for Couples, it helped us to overcome some of our communication hurdles and be more considerate and understanding of each other. I read it by myself first, then FI and I read it together. Even though we don’t do everything in that book (some of it is hokey), it helped us to become much better at working through issues.
Not saying you need that today, but it’s a really great book to pick up!

Post # 16
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

That sucks.  Can you take the afternoon off and get it over with?  I texted something similar to my husband when we were first dating and he pointed out that we both ended up feeling awful all day due to dreaded the conversation ahead of us at the end of the day.  Now if I have an issue, I wait until I get home to discuss it with him.  If it stresses me out enough that I can’t focus on work, I go immediately home and we have the conversation right then.

I agree with PPs that her behavior in doing this is completely immature.

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