So unsure about my marriage!!

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: What should I do?
    Stay. Suck it up until 'death do we part' : (10 votes)
    8 %
    Get separated : (51 votes)
    40 %
    Go to counseling alone : (60 votes)
    47 %
    Other- explain below : (6 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @Confusedwife:  I’m glad you realized that marriage doesn’t magically make problems go away – too bad you didn’t realize that before or at the very least during pre-marital counseling. If you are not happy with your husband, then action needs to be taken. Period. I am not saying to leave him, but I am saying to communicate with him. Express how serious you are, be open about the issues/feelings you are having, and ask him to work with you to find a solution. Maybe that is counseling, or maybe you can solve it on your own.

    He needs to be willing to address what is wrong and work through it with you – that’s part of being married. No one is going to be happy all the time and anyone who tells you that marriages don’t take work is lying. The work just has to feel worth it, and the person you are with should be the one person who you can’t live without. It doesn’t sound like you 2 are in a place like that or that your husband is particularly willing to work with you. If he understands how serious your concerns are and still won’t try, then you need to evaluate being with him.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2685 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I think you should go to counseling alone, with the focus being on deciding whether or not to leave your marriage. It sounds unbearable to me. I’m so sorry.

    Post # 6
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee

    If he is unwilling to work on it then sadly I think it sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse. However, going to counselling on your own is probably a good first step because it may help you straighten out how you feel and work out the best path for yourself.  It’s not fair on you for him to take out all of his stress on you. Do you feel like he loves the dog more than you?

    Post # 7
    Member
    134 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Upon reading this, all I can picture is a very old couple who have been married for 40 years and cant stand each other, and they even sleep in separate beds. 

    As far as all the annoying stuff he does, you may just have to let it go… let him be a weirdo with his quirks, or end up being that old couple who hate each other till they die.

    As far as the sex issues, have you sincerly talked to him about all this? Or have you just brought it up once or twice passively? My suggestion is to give him all that you wrote here (about the sex stuff) in a letter and give it to him to read in front of you or something. He needs to hear all of it, especially the parts where you are feeling insecure now cause of it. See what he says. He could feel the same way or realize how avoidant he has been over everything! 

    I mean, my fiance and I do not have the most passionate sex life, but I fill in the blanks that he cant. For instance, I use my own finger on my clit when we have sex. If I didnt, I wouldnt get off. FH doesnt cause he isnt confident and seems to get scared of doing it wrong. which he does 🙂 so i do it myself and i get off just fine. Would your husband have a prob with you touching yourself while he is in you? Maybe put your foot down and say “i want to get off too!!” or does he think you have been getting off al this time? I think it was mean of him to call you disgusting. i bet he gets himself off all the time. i think that was his defense mode talking and he prob realized that you have to get yourself off cause he cant. 

    Counseling is hard, especially with 2 people. You cant be successfull in counseling if you dont want to be there. He clearly doesnt want to be there and deep down, i think he could be scared of the truth. it hurts right? 

    I think your ultimate challenge is how much are you willing to let go of? i think if you let go and not speak up, your gonna be hurt. which you already are hurting. this is tough. im sorry girl 🙁 

    i think the fact that you posted this in search of other opinions means that you’ve had enough. you know that the way he treats you isnt right. if he isnt willing to fix that and make his wife a happy wife, then i think you should try to accept this and move on. <3

    Post # 8
    Member
    3389 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Confusedwife:  I voted for you to see a counselor alone. you need to discuss your situation with someone who can help you sort out your feelings. I feel for you..I can’t stand yelling and screaming nor would I be able to tolerate lack of affection. I wish you much luck in whatever direction you take. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    646 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @MrsPanda99:  +100

    MrsPanda99 said it better than I could. He needs to be willing to work on the marriage with you. If he is unwilling to do this, I think you should seek individual counselling to work through what you want to do.

    Post # 10
    Member
    826 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    When he’s acting like a jerk, do you tell him how that makes you feel or do you let it go? If you tell him, what does he say and does he recognize what an a** he’s been? If you don’t tell him, that’s the first thing you need to do. I think you should continue to push for couples counseling so you can both get advice on how to communicate better with one another and express your needs. If he still reduses, I think you should try on your own and you may learn some ways to better communicate with him that may help your relationship. I’m not saying you’re to blame, I just think you may get some helpful advice on how to communicate with him when he says or does the things that bother you and that may in turn help to change his behavior. Good luck!

    Post # 11
    Member
    646 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @CloverQueen:  Also this. I’m most concerned by the sex issues. The other stuff, unless he’s being violent or abusive, might be more just about him as a person. But the sex issues need to be addressed.

    Post # 14
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    First, that email to him was way too long. I can see why he didn’t respond.  when communicating with guys, keep it short. And in communicating in general, stick to I statements. For example, I feel sad when…I want to be treated like…. once you start using “you” statements, people get defensive and shut down. 

    That said, I was in a relationship much like you described. My ex would scream and yell and we had sex pretty much the way you have sex. I hated sex with him. I can tell you flat out kids do not make it better. So I think it’s great that you won’t bring kids into this marriage. We tried couples counseling for years. It never worked because he wasn’t willing to stop doing the things that were causing the problems in our marriage. Nor was he ever willing to do our “homework”. I found individual counseling so much better. My counselor helped me learn how not to take his shit. She taught me how to stand up for myself. I highly recommend you go to counseling first.

    I truly think you will end up leaving him. Once someone treats you this way, it is very hard to ever feel love towards that person again.  And nobody should ever have to live in a loveless marriage. 

     

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    2685 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I think you should find a counselor NOW. Like, this week. You told him in June that you were going to see a counselor. DO IT. Smile

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