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Wow. I had tubes in my ears as a child--do what you gotta do, man!
I'd probably take him and have them done, but I don't know what the reprocussions of that would be.
And i'd be VERY against a chiropractor manipulating a child's spine. That makes me queasy thinking about it. If your son was an ADULT with back problems, yes, put the spine back in order. But a child?! No thx.
But, I think you'll be fine. Doctors have ordered this is the right thing. The dad is only against it...why? B/c he wants to try chiropractic first? Maybe you can get the doctor to dispell any thoughts that chiropractic would even help or that it isn't safe for a kid to undergo spinal manipulations or cranial ones.
I don't understand - he isn't paying child support, but wants a say in how your son is raised? Do you have full legal custody, or is that still being resolved? Is your son's father employed? What is your lawyer's opinion on who has the right to make medical decisions about your son?
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and hope your son feels better soon.
Aw, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I am not familiar with medicine to guess what may be better for your child. But I do know, that as a Mother, you have the right to stand firm in what you believe. That being said, I think you should meet with other doctors, get some expert opinions on what would be best. Do all the research you can to figure out what you really want to do. Maybe mediation is what's best. If you're equipped with more knowledge and information than he is, the chances that you'll be able to do what you feel more comfortable with are much higher.
I hope it all works out.
Go to mediation...do NOT let a chiro touch your sons spine, hes too young. You have proof that you've been supporting and battling all of this, the judges or mediators are likely to side with you.
What an a-hole
Yeah, I have to agree to go with mediation but do your research on it. Personally, I don't think the sperm donor has any say if he isn't around for your son or doesn't even pay for his expenses but that is just me. Have you thought of doing full custody. I would think about it. Speak to your lawyer about your rights. Get that cleared up immediately.
My boss 2 yr old daughter had the same problem as your son and has had the tubes put in. There was only one time that they had to give her a different size from her growing out of them. This was a huge benefit for her because now she suffers less.
As for the chiropractor, I too am against it for my own children but once again, my boss's daughter also goes through this (and has since birth) and he says it works wonders on her. I don't knock him for doing what is best for his daughter but I just can't do it.
I'm very sorry about what you are going through. I know it has to be hard and frustrating. If I were you, I would do all in my power to prevent the chiro treatment. I don't like them, period. My mom as an adult went to the chiro and because of it she has a pnched nerve that is going to require back surgery. I couldn't imagine something like that happening to a child! At the mediation, I bet the judge will side with you because you are his mother and support him alone.
i had chronic ear infections as a child and had tubes in my ears--definitely follow the medical advice! the developmental consequences (ie speech delays) of not treating it can be serious, and i would think the earlier the better.
I think you'd be within your rights to just go ahead and do it your way seeing as that is the advice from the doctor - maybe you could ask your lawyer for advice?
I am also curious as to why your son's father has so much of a say in his medical care. If he's not providing any kind of support to you or your son then I would think he doesn't get a say. I would do the mediation, but come prepared with research and opinions from experts. I would also see about getting full custody so that every time something medical needs to happen with your son you don't have to consult his father. Sorry you're going through this, I hope your son starts feeling better soon.
I am in the "why are you even worrying about what he thinks" camp. If the Dr and you thinks that this is what's best for your son...DO IT. Yeah the sperm donor might get pissy in the end but what can he do...YOU are your son's legal guardian so legally...he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Unless there is something in writing that say you have to have his approval then you do what YOU think it's best. There is no reason for your child to suffer while somebody who doesn't care enough about his welfare to support him financially, emotionally, or physically throws a tantrum.
What a crappy situation. But I think that you are clearly in the right here, so you will prevail. Agree to mediation, then gather up all the documentation you can find. Come prepared with mountains of paperwork. Bring studies that cite the risks and ineffectiveness of the chiropractor treatment. Get three written statements by doctors that say that they recommend tubes. Look up the standards of care for this problem. What does the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend? What does the WHO recommend? Get as many pieces of paper as you can that prove you are right. Drown them in documentation. If your ex is as reliable as he sounds, he will probably show up empty-handed with nothing more than his own opinion. There's no way he will win. Surgery is scary but you will get through it. Gook luck!
As a lawyer, first thing: DON't JUST TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR!!! It is deeply unfair, but it will be a bad mark against you in the long run in your fights with the bio. Sorry, just please don't do that.
Second, what is this guy's custody status?
Third, have you discussed mediation with your lawyer? A mediator will not make a decision for you. A mediator will help the two of you reach a consensus. An arbitrator will actually make a decision. PM me if you have questions about all of these forms of dispute resolution.
Fourth, (((HUGS))). What an ass. I slightly disagree wtih your position totally against chiropracty (I'm no expert though), but I am so sorry that this jerk is interfering with your ability to care for your son. It must tear at your heart.
I'm curious about what his level of custody is as well that he assumes he has a right to fight you on this. My ex for my younger daughter pays child support, but no medical expenses, so I have it written into our custody agreement that my husband & I make all decisions concerning her medically, since my husband pays her insurance. All other major decisions, I discuss with ex. As the primary caregiver of your son, you have so many rights! Mediation is a beautiful thing.
My daughter has had tubes and they were like little miracles!! They made a huge difference and the surgery was very simple! She's had other major surgery, but this was super easy!
I'm with all the bees saying that you're not obligated to take your ex's desires into account unless there's wording in your divorce or custody agreement stipulating otherwise. If he wants to actually, um, parent at some point than maybe he can have a say, but since he's not contributing in any meaningful way his opinion on this matter doesn't hold much weight.
Talk to your lawyer and don't be afraid to go to mediation. He's in the wrong here, not you, and you're not obligated to give his feelings special consideration.
Hold on just a minute...this man is concerned about the well-being of his child. He is a father. You have to remember that he is as concerned as you are (clearly, or he wouldn't be making this fuss) and obviously believes as strongly as you do about this.
Take some time, hear him out, and be willing to LISTEN to him as you expect him to do for you.
For what it's worth, there are many types of chiropractics out there, and not all of them involved the "cracking" method. When I was a small child, I had a small device that lightly thumped things into place (I can't think of the name of it right now...) that was not painful and did great things. Perhaps you can explore alternate methods of chiropractics to find a middle ground - which is what mediation is going to do.
I agree that you should check with the custody/divorce papers regarding his say in all of this.
Really though, I just wanted to comment to say that on top of dealing with your son's ear infections/issues, I am sorry you have to deal with all of this with your ex. I am sure this is really consuming your mind and heart right now and I hope that everything works out for what is best for your son, Rosie.
yeah, I don't get it either. He has waived every opportunity to be involved with your son (kicking you guys out, not paying child support, not helping in making any decisions)
Then all of sudden, this surgery, he now has an input. Well, either start paying for your child support and being involved and maybe I'll consider what you think we should do.
I think mediation is a good idea.
It seems like you are scared of the chiropractor, but there are some that specialize in infants and children. They are many different techniques. My fiance is a chiropractor and has adjusted babies that were just a few months old. I've seen him do it, and he basically just holds the baby in his hands and will put slight pressure on the spine to realign it- it looks nothing like how adults are adjusted. The babies didn't cry- actually they were happier after he adjusted them. I'll have to ask him if he knows anything about chiropractic treatment for ear infections.
I'm also interested to see what the custody status is. But I think as long as you are trying to get child support from him, he should be able to help make decisions about your son's care.
UPDATE: I just asked him and he said treating ear infections is a huge part of chiropractic and that it is one of the most successful chiropractic applications for children.
I'm not trying to say what is best for your son, just hopefully making you more educated and less afraid of the chiropractor if that is what the mediator says should happen before you do the surgery.
Our custody status is all messed up. I have been trying for 1 1/2 years to get a parenting plan, child support, etc, and still nothing. Only within the last year has he wanted to start seeing our son on a regular basis, before that is was whenever it was convienant. We have no set custody stuff. I looked at the papers he gave me on his choice, talked to him about my thoughts and reasons, and tried to be really resonable. He said that he would look at papers on my choice and that was were we left it. Then he texted me and said that we were going to either do his choice or go to mediation.
Thanks for all your support :) It is so hard becuase I don't want my son to suffer. I don't want to try his way and if it doesn't work do mine. I don't think that is fair to my son. I want to go once and fix it. Especially since the reason he gets ear infections is because his tubes aren't developed all the way. Medical reasons. Not becuase something is out of line.
Whether he is the father and is concerned about his child, the attitude "my way or mediation" is not the way to approach this. His approach should have been mediation instead of trying to control the situation without giving you the support that is required for your child.
As I mentioned earlier, research each method thoroughly so you are prepared for this mediation. Even though I am not for a Chiropractor for children doesn't mean that there aren't any good methods out there. I am sure this scares you more because of the unknown. If you have knowledge for both the methods you will feel a little more comfortable with the decision the arbitrator makes. BUT if they choose to go towards the father's ideas, don't take it personal. You have to make it work for your son's best interest. He needs all the help he can get.
EDIT: I also recant my statement on getting full custody. From your initial post, I didn't know whether he was taking interest in your child or not. The fact that his is starting to or has been in the past year can be commendable so you have to give him a chance whether you like it or not. Being the main guardian though you are able to make the right decisions.
You have delayed putting the tubes in this long because you are afraid of putting him under. I would at least take him to a chiropractor specializing in children for a CONSULTATION to see if there is anything they can do for him. If there's not, then you can tell your son's father that, (and shove it in his face, if you'd like! ;). If there IS, maybe it's a non-invasive option to consider. TALK to someone in the field who knows what they're doing, and see if you then feel more comfortable with trying something like that first.
I had ear infections a lot as a child. Pretty much two weeks to the day after getting off medication for one, I would have another. I had tubes put in TWICE. They can be a huge help, but they can also cause problems as well. Every time I go to the doctor now they ask about it, because of the amount of scarring within my ears.
Again, I don't think a consultation would hurt, especially because you are so concerned about surgery, but ultimately, I think the decision is YOURS. Your son's dad lost that right when he kicked you guys out, (seriously, who kicks out a woman and a SIX DAY OLD BABY?!) and became a "deadbeat dad"...what a jerk!
I think you will require arbitration on this (mediation probably won't help since he's being a stubborn @$$).
I would still attempt to get full custody, and allow him visitation rights. He can be arrested for failing to pay child support, I would look into that (and let him know that too!) Unfortunately custody battles can be expensive, but in the end your son's best interests matter. To prevent future fights, I think you NEED to settle on child support, custody, and all other legal matters so that the line is drawn in the sand and he knows when he can say something and when to shut up and let doctors (and you!) handle it!
I don't have anything to add re: custody, etc. but just wanted to say that I work with kids with hearing loss and tubes are a VERY minor surgery nowadays. We were just talking in class the other day about tubes vs. antibiotics for ear infections and most of us said we'd do tubes, no doubt.
Good luck and hope the little guy feels better soon!
IMHO the dad has no say so at this point.If he doesn't care to help you out any then he doesn't deserve the right to tell you what should be done.I'd say listen to your dr before you try to go the chiro.
I would go with arbitration. When you're in a custody situation it's always best to do things by the book. Otherwise, later on it will be used against you.
On another note.. a good friend of mine has a 5 yr old that CONSTANTLY has ear infections. She has had tubes put in more than once. Often the ear infections lead to other upper respiratory infections as well. She has been trying so hard to figure something out. Recently she has seen an allergist and has some new hope. Have you considered seeing an allergist for your child?
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My son is just about to turn 2. Some back ground info:
His dad kicked us out of the house when he was 6 days old. I have lived with my parents up until I met FI and we got a place. I have supported my son 100%. His dad doesn't pay child support (my lawyer is STILL trying to get it), doesn't help with medical bills, and doesn't help with daycare. If my son needs something, I take care of it. I miss work EVERY time he is sick, I take him to the Dr, I get him medicines, everything.
Well, he has really bad ear infections. Its getting to the point of at least 1 if not 2 a month, and some of them are so bad that they actually goo from his ears. He has always had ear infections, constantly. I took him to a Dr about it last year and they said they would put tubes in.
I wasn't completely sold on the idea. The thought of putting him under for a surgery scared the crap around me (and still does). I also thought that MAYBE he would grow out of them because some kids do. Well he hasn't. I'm worried that he is going to be behind in talking and stuff becuase of all his ear problems, so I think he needs tubes.
The problem is, his dad won't agree. He wants to do it "his way" first, which is to do some chiropractic care thing. I don't believe in it. I know some people swear by it, but its not my thing. I am totally 100% against it. I don't believe in the practice to start with, and I really don't want somebody messing with my childs body that way. Plus, all the stuff I have read on it, you have to do matinance and stuff.
While a surgery is scary, at least it would be done. Go in, have them put in, and that be it. I don't want my baby boy to have to go through a bunch of stuff and continue to be miserable with ear infections.
So, his dad said we either do it his way or we will have to go to mediation (sit with lawyers and try to come to a conclussion). I am so upset about this because I am scared shitless that they will say to try his way first and if it doens't work, to do tubes. I don't want to take a chance on my son's health, especially with a practice that I don't believe in.
I could just cry. Part of me just wants to go to his ear Dr, make an appointment and just do tubes. Screw his dad! He doesn't help anyways! But I know that isn't right, so I just can't do it.
Sorry, I am just SSSOOO upset about this and needed to talk about it. I cried all night and feel like I still could.