(Closed) so upset now :(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Yikes. There is nothing that can be done about it at this point.. it’s not like you can resend them.  I think either you or your mother should just call your FMIL and apologize that her feelings were hurt (even though I think your mother didn’t do anything wrong since she is technically hosting the event).  I think the bigger issue here is the way your FI reacted.  I know he is upset because his mother is upset but that is not an excuse to go on the offensive against you.  And secondly, it is NOT ok for him to just shut off his phone and cut off communication with you.  That would never fly between my husband and I.

Post # 4
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

hmm…thats tricky. First you and fiance need to be on the same page, if you said some things you didn’t mean then tell him that. Both of you need to talk so that theres not more going on then necessary. I know my FH gets defensive with his family sometimes, especially since I know all the right things to say to make it worse :/ Secondly it might be nice of you to just call and apology to FMIL (I personally don’t feel it was necessary for her to be on the invite in the first place) but regardless her feelings were hurt and it would be a nice gesture. You should also make sure you extend a thank you to both your mom and her at the actual shower.

Post # 5
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So sorry you are going through this.

Simply put, a veggie tray HARDLY qualifies as co-hosting. If she had contributed financially, or even with part of the planning, maybe she’d have a leg to stand on, but not with her (lack of) involvement.

And 30 minutes being to far? PAH-lease. My mom and FMIL are 3+ hours apart. I have never met some of my FI’s aunts, but they all kow my name. It’s not your job to spread the word of who you are to HIS family.

I also think your FI is overreacting and should not be turning off his phone, but I digress. I think your FMIL needs to get over herself on this one.

GOOD LUCK.

(sheesh, I am clearly emotional today)

Post # 6
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the other posers about needing to be on the same page, especially dealing with family members can get tricky. If you said things you didn’t mean, just let him know that! As for the invitation, personally I don’t see it being a big deal as your mother is the one hosting it and FMIL hasn’t been involved really (from what you’ve said). Hence, she doesn’t really need to be on the invite. It’s really not a big deal and I’d try to do what I could to minimize the whole issue.

Post # 7
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh wow! I don’t want to sound mean but your mom did all the work why should FI’s mom take the credit?

I think you’re mom did the right thing by not putting her name on there.

I guess what I would do now is just tell FI that you are sorry his mom’s feelings got hurt but what is done is done. He needs to tell his mom it was just an honest mistake but she is more than welcome to help do stuff at the shower like write the guests name who gets you a gift and maybe serve drinks and come up with some games so she doesn’t feel left out.

Post # 8
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Eep. Well like someone said there’s nothing you can do to change it, but you can definitely call her and explain that you had no intentions of hurting her feelings–if you can meet her for lunch or something so that maybe it would be a bit more personal, so she can see that you are genuine. 

Also, I don’t think the FI is really guilty of being a jerk yet, we don’t know the whole story. We don’t know exactly what was said, the tone used, and so on. The OP said herself that she said stuff she didn’t mean, and she was just being defensive, as he was. From the sound of it, perhaps he didn’t want to argue, and wanted to cool down. I find that much more respectful than starting a shouting match.

Sorry you have to go through this—good luck!! Keep us posted!

Post # 9
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

FMIL was wrong to make the initial fuss, bottom line, your mom is the one hosting.  And FI should have handled things better.  I’d just let it go and not get stressed out about folks that should be more adult in handling such affairs.

Post # 10
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like your FMIL thought she was part of the planning.  It’s a perspective thing.  You said she doesn’t show initiative, and with your mom being kind enough to include her in the planning, going over everything with her, having her bring a vegiplate (whether it is a significant contribution or not), your FMIL assumed that she was equally involved.  Some people haven’t had the social interaction that would have queued her into realizing that more involvement may be necessary to be considered as co-hosts.  I am being serious here.  It’s amazing to me how socially inept some adults are!

Moose and June have some feasible suggestions for diffusing this situation.  This is a rough one.  Best wishes.

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I know you are upset I think most of us have dealt with drama during the wedding planning.  What you and your FI need to take from this is that yes you two are now a team and need to address problems with friends and family as such.  You also need to keep in mind that you will need to do Rehearsal Dinner Invites and Wedding Invites.  So make sure that you ask for the host(s) of those events to give you a sample to proof-read.  And then be sure to show your parents the sample.  You just need to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. 

As for them not knowing your name, oh well.  All of us have sent out invitations to showers, weddings, etc with our maiden names.  People will figure it out.  

As for your FMIL and the hosting, I would make sure that you recognize her at the shower and thank her in front of everyone for helping with the shower.  Be sure to thank anyone else that has helped with the shower at that same time.

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m glad that your mom called her and they sound like things are going to be okay between the mom’s.  Just be sure to get both of them a nice hosting gift and do a big thank you speech at the shower.

Good luck with your FI.  Don’t freak out and call his phone every five seconds.  Just be patient and wait for him to call you.  I know easier said then done.

Post # 15
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Good for your mom. She sounds like a stand-up woman and I am really glad everything worked out. whew.

As for your FI, I would tear him a new *ss hole later. But that’s just me. 🙂 You two became a united front the day you got engaged, and turning off his phone is unacceptable.

Post # 16
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

Can you send your sweetie a text and let him know all is well with the mom situation?

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