SO upset that I don't want to use his mom's diamond :(

posted 3 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ButterflyButterfly:  Does it have to be a diamond ring? I know you said he wrote off moissanite, but what about sapphire? My FI and I were able to afford the desinger setting I love because my sapphire was very inexpensive.

Post # 4
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t blame you for not wanting the diamond. Is him saving up for another 6 months to a year out of the question? After only 2 years of dating, this wouldnt be a deal breaker for me.

Post # 5
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@ButterflyButterfly:  I don’t think you should get flamed. You have your own feelings about it and they are valid. His sister didn’t want it either. I would just tell him you do not want that diamond and that you can research other ways to get the stone you want or save up longer.

Post # 6
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@ButterflyButterfly:  Maybe he’s feeling a little embarrassed about the budget situation. A lot of guys don’t realize the price of diamonds or engagement rings in general. Don’t bring it up for a while and let him mull it over on his own. If he’s still insistent on using his mom’s diamond you might just have to accept it and learn to love it. The fact that you will be wearing it will still give it special meaning to your relationship. 

Post # 7
2264 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ButterflyButterfly:  I think you’re being reasonable. Aside from the ring having a bad history, you also want to create your own story so it’s perfectly normal to want a new diamond. As mentioned by other PP, he can always opt for a non-diamond stone like a colored gemstone or just delay proposing until he saved up a bit more. You can always go with a smaller stone and upgrade later in life.

Post # 8
5351 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I feel like you are valid in your feelings. 

It also sounds like you are disappointed (understandably so) that he hasn’t done any research, nor saved for the ring, and appears he is kind of scrambling to make up for poor planning by offering his mom’s ring. 

I think you two need to sit down and talk about budget. Now that he knows what rings cost, you can discuss what style best suits you and compare that to what budget you both are comfortable with. 

Post # 9
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have my FI’s mom’s diamond, and she actually died when he was a teenager. Before her death her marriage to my FI’s dad was very difficult, including issues with depression and alcoholism.

I actually feel more than okay with FI passing the stone on to me. He did ask me about it before he had the ring made, but for me it is more about keeping his positive memories of her alive. I actually rarely think about the difficulties “associated” with the stone even though I wear it every day; the setting is completely new and designed by my FI and it really feels like MY ring with just a hint of connection to the past.

Of course your situation is not the same, and you are totally entitled to feel different about it. Think about maybe using his mom’s stone in a VERY VERY different setting designed by you (or you and FI together) – maybe that would help you feel ownership of it? If that’s not enough, I think the suggestion above regarding gemstone erings (sapphire, etc) is a very good one as well.

Post # 10
10886 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t think you need to use his mother’s diamond in your ring if you really don’t want to.  However, I would at least look at it to see if you may like it. If it’s the wrong shape for your taste, or you don’t like the color, for example, I don’t think you need to choose it just because it would not involve a cost for your SO.

However, you may need to consider other options (a smaller diamond or one of lesser specifications than you may have envisioned, or a gemstone ring) if you want to have a ring now and your SO is not in a position to make a more expensive purchase at this time.

Post # 11
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I understand why you feel the way that you do, but if I was in your situation, I would be fine with taking his mom’s diamond. Obviously, he’s concerned about price (not sure what his financial situation is) and it seems unfair to me to ask someone to go into debt or to spend more than they are comfortable on an engagement ring. I would be happy to be offered a FREE diamond – but I do understand your feelings on the subject. I would try and talk to him about it. If he still insists that this is what he wants to do and feels comfortable doing, I would just accept it. You could always upgrade your ring down the line. Personally, as someone who has been “waiting” for quite some time, I would just be so happy he wants to propose that I wouldn’t give much thought to where the diamond was coming from. Plus, in a new setting it won’t even be like his mom’s ring will never even think about it in that way!

Post # 13
6674 posts
Bee Keeper

Would you consider resetting the heirloom stone into something new that you love?  When you think about it, the whole karma thing is just a mindset.  Most diamonds have had many former “lives” and incarnations and that marriage produced your FI after all.   Maybe it’s symbolic and meaningful to him in that sense.  Obviously he feels  it’s  the best value. Personally, I’d be gracious and would have happily accepted anything that H gave me, though I admit he knew what I liked. 


Post # 14
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - parent's backyard

@ButterflyButterfly: it sounds like he’s mainly hung up on price, and sees that using his mom’s diamond as a way out of it. he might be citing sentimental value as an excuse for defending it so hard. 

from what I’ve heard, a lot of jewelry stores that have moissanite tend to be old stock and not as beautiful as the newer ones.  could you sell him on the concept of moissanite if he saw one that he thought was beautiful? you can order loose stones from and not be dinged with a restocking fee if you return it.

another alternative is white sapphire.

OR what about getting a high quality CZ (like Asha) in a really good setting, and then upgrading the stone in a few years when you can afford it? 

Post # 16
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I feel like saying the diamond has “bad Krama” is just silly…

diamonds don’t ruin relationships, people do. 

I would look at the diamond and if you like it you could have it reset to be your “own” and maybe later when he’s financially more stable he can buy you a new one. 

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