(Closed) So Upset

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh I am so sorry!!  {{HIVE HUG!!}}

I think you have a great idea wanting to sit them down and talk about it.  Explain to them that while they are both different people, neither of them are bad people.  And even though you know that they don’t agree on everything, it really hurts you that they aren’t more civil to each other.  You don’t want your relationship with either of them to mean you won’t have a relationship with the other and you hope that they can work on their issues for your sake.  I recommend you sit them both down in person to talk about it, and have a letter written out to both of them explaining exactly what you are feeling.  Most people won’t interrupt when you’re reading something plus you won’t forget any points you want to make.

I hope that they see the light and start acting more like adults!!  Big Hive Hugs to you!

Post # 4
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, jgknae, I fell so bad for you.  I imagine it must be really hard for you to know that your only family and your new family (your Fi) don’t really like each other.  I know this must be really hard for you, but I think things will work out for you in the end and you’ll be ok.  Do your Fi and sister fight all the time, or is more like an unspoken tension where you know they’ll never be friends/close like family?

If it’s a situation where they are constantly fighting or saying bad things about each other to you, this is definitely a time to sit down and talk to them.  They don’t need to be best friends, but they ought to be civil, for your sake.  If this is what is going on, I would sit down with both of them individually and lay out the ground rules.  I.e.  "I love BOTH of you.  If you love me, and want me to be happy, this is what I need from you.  1)Civility when we are together.  No fighting.  2)No bad talking about each other to me.  Go vent to someone else.  3)etc…" 

If the situation is more like they just don’t like each other in general, it might be a little harder for you.  It took some getting used to for me to realize that my family and my Fi’s family are never going to be close.  They don’t argue, they’re decent to each other when they’re together, but they just don’t like each other.  It’s hard to overcome, but understanding that they’ll never be best friends and that you may have to spend time with each of them separately may be your only choice.  I don’t think it has to tear your family apart either.  Just explaining that you care for both of them equally and there for need individual time with both of them may really help the problem.  Your Fi might be relieved and therefore more relaxed about the whole situation if he knows that your relationship with your sister doesn’t have to include him.  And vice versa. 

Good luck, honey, I hope things work out for you. 

Post # 5
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Aww I really feel for you — I can’t imagine how upsetting and hard it would be to have my sister and FI not getting along.  I think it’s a great idea to sit down and talk to them and really let them know you want to have everybody make an effort to get along.  BUT what I would perhaps do is sit down with my sister first and talk it all out to get at exactly what her problem is without her having to spill it all in front of your FI.  It might make the big talk you all have together a little easier.  Obviously you can’t expect them to fix it overnight, but starting the conversation now is definitely smart.

Post # 6
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sounds like a lot of the tension is unspoken and tearing you apart.

I would definitely sit down with your fiance and your sister (first separately, then hopefully together) and explain what you explained here. 

Tell them that you don’t want your relationship with your sister to turn into your mom and her sister’s relationship, and that you love both of them.  You will always be a sister, and your fiance will soon and then always be your husband.  Hopefully they will try to work it out based on their love and concern for you!  Let us know how it turns out.

Post # 7
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry for you!  I think your idea of sitting down with them to talk about it would be great.  Do they have anything in common that maybe you can take them to do?  E.g. a sport, hobby, etc?  Maybe bringing them together to do something they both enjoy will open up the lines of communication between them.

Post # 8
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What a rough situation.  Has your sister been specific about what she doesn’t like about FI? I know that sometimes people just rub eachother the wrong way for no apparent reason, but if she has specific concerns (especially involving your saftey) she should make them known.

Post # 9
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry!  That has got to be tough.  The advice you have gotten thus far is all really good –I think talking with the two of them is a good idea.  Some other ideas, you could also talk to your sister alone and, like LatteLove suggested, explain to her that you don’t want to see your relationship with her turn into the strained relationship your Mom and Aunt had.  

If you and she have any mutual friend(s) who like your FI, maybe they could talk to her on your behalf?  

The only caution here is if there are too many conversations about it (from too many people) she might feel attacked / ganged up on.  However if the talks are are gently undertaken from a place of love, hopefully she will understand and be able to change her views so everyone can get along.

If all else fails I agree that the ground rules Mrs.Spring suggests would probably work though I am not sure it would help with the tension.

Best of luck to you, let us know how it goes!

-Lori

Post # 10
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I agree with other posters that having them sit down and really hear how this impacts you is a good idea.

I might also suggest having a friend of yours talk to you sister.  A lot of times when it comes to family- nobody is good enough for your sister/brother/mother/etc.  Perhaps if you sister can hear from a 3rd party about how good you FI is to you, that might help her see him differently.

Do you know what exactly about him she doesn’t like?  If it’s just that their personalities conflict, that’s not grounds for you to break up with him to make your sister happy.  If she thinks he’s controlling or abusive or mistreating you, then she has grounds.  I’m assuming that’s not the case- but you don’t know what she’s seeing from her point of view.

Also- perhaps keep in mind that your sister might be feeling kind of abandoned (not that this excuses her behavior).  If you are her only family and she doesn’t get alone with your FI, she may be worried that after the wedding she’ll be all alone.  Also- if she’s older, she may be worrying about her own marriage prospects.  My little sister got married a year before me, and if I wasn’t about to get engaged myself, that would have been really hard on me (it was bad enough getting comments from family about being an ‘old maid’!).

And something for your FI to keep in mind- he doesn’t have to be right, he just has to be liked!  My husband reminds himself of that every time we are visiting with my super conservative uncles!  Remind your FI that he’s marrying into your family- even if it’s super small.  If he loves you, he will do his best not to make you choose- and be as patient with and kind to your sister as possible.

Good luck and I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Post # 11
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with Rosy on your sister’s feelings.  You said that she is the only family you have. Worse for her, you will be getting a husband, and she isn’t even dating.  Even if she liked your Fi, I can only imagine she’d still have those feelings.  I don’t know how many of us can come close to saying our only family is one sibling who is getting married (and starting a different life.)  As Rosy said, she’d have a hard time with her younger sister getting married, being the older sister, and Rosy has family. 

I don’t know if her emotions are just stemming from this, or if she authentically doesn’t like your FI, but I think it would help to make sure you and she still reserve some time with each other before and after you get married.  I am actually feeling really bummed for her. 

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

aw i’m so sorry you’re going through this. it’s hard enough to make a relationship work, and family issues make it that much harder.

perhaps before sitting them both down to talk, you can sit each of them down seperately. this way neither will feel too attacked or put on the spot. you could approach them each seperately – either in person, over the phone, in a hand-written letter, whatever makes you the most comfortable (but probably not an email…) – and really spill your heart out. let them know how the tension between them is affecting your relationship with each of them. let them know how you envision the future being if things cant change – not as a threat, but just so they can understand your perspective a bit more. muster up everything you can to ask them to please be understanding and try harder to make the situation work, even if it means putting their personal feelings about the other one aside. perhaps this one-on-one would let them know how serious you are…and before its over, let each of them know you wanna plan a sit-down with the three of you. feel out what they think about this, but let them know its not really an option and has to happen eventually!

so when the three of you sit down and talk, they wont be caught off guard and youll have a better understanding of what each of their issues are. it will give each of you time to think ahead of time so that the talk doesnt turn into a horrible argument, but instead a productive space for you all to vent and listen.

i hope things work out 🙂 the best way you can approach this is giving it a lot of thought and mentally preparing for all the possibilities, which you’re doing already! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This sounds very hard and I’m so sorry that you have to go through it.  I totally second all of the suggestions above, and I won’t repeat.

But I might also add that if that doesn’t get things going, you might consider talking to a neutral third party (a pastor/minister if you are religious, or a family counselor).  I suspect that there are some pretty deep issues here, surrounding the death of your mother and anxiety over the future of your family…and it might be hard for either of you to fully explore them on your own.

The grieving process over losing a parent esp. at a young age is a lifelong process, and major life events like a marriage can trigger a lot of the acute pain over again.  It may very well be that this is behind some of your sister’s reactions…and if that’s the case understanding it might make the next step more obvious.

Post # 14
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Oh my goodness…I feel for you sweetheart! I think it’s wonderful that you want the two most important people in your life to like each other, but sometimes that doesn’t always happen. A quick question…how much older is your sister than you? Perhaps this is her way of trying to protect you and not let you go. Another poster mentioned that she might be feeling a little abandonded. You’re all the family she has as well, and with your FI getting along better with your friends than she does, she might feel as if you’re growing up and don’t need her anymore.

Either way, you’re taking a very mature approach to the situation in sitting them both down. You might even want to do it separately first, then together. Though your sister and FI don’t have physical things in common, they do have one VERY important thing in common…their love for you. Your happiness is definitely something they both want for you, and should be able to tolerate each other for your sake.

Good luck and keep us posted on how the talk goes!

Post # 15
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

My 1st impression is this: Is your sister maybe the one with the problem?

From reading your post and not knowing any backstory, it sounds like the issus is coming from your sister. I mean, you waited to get married becaue she had a hard time that she wasn’t getting married?! That screams insecure.

Being someone who doesn’t even like conflict and likes everyone to get along, I can imagine how terrible this must be for you. There is nothing worse that being pulled in the middle and I really feel for you.

What makes me sad is that from reading your post, it seems like all this is coming from your sister. That feels really unfair. You should really talk to her about this.

I am a HUUGE believer in communication. It is the only way to fix an issue. Talk to her one-on-one and make sure she feels heard. Try to understand where she is coming from and make sure she knows that she can be honest with you. Sometimes it is hard to talk to someone about thier FI/Hubby because you worry that person will jsut get mad at you. But also explain to her how all of this is making you feel and it isn’t "right"

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