Post # 1
Alright Bees… I think I may have one of the weirdest situations ever. I know I will get crap from some and great/supportive advice from others. I’m ready for it all…
The Boy and I have been together for 8.5 years. We were married at the JOP a year and a half ago, as a secret. We had financial reasons for this move. Only a select few people know, to most we are just engaged. We are having a “wedding” on July 30th., yeah… in like three weeks. I have known for while now that I am bi-sexual. I realized this about three years ago. Never been with a woman, so maybe we should consider me bi-curious at that point… either way. I have felt for a long time that there was, “something missing” from my life and (yeah, cliché) I figured at that point that I needed a “close” girlfriend. Kind of an NSA thing I guess. Talked to the Boy about it. I told myself if he didn’t want me to, I wouldn’t. He fully supported the exploration. I looked for a woman, didn’t find one for a long time. About a year after our “Secret marriage”, I met someone. She is amazing. Completes me in every way. She is my best friend, my lover, my support. Everything. He knows about her and my relationship. I know he regretted letting me explore after a little while, but there was no way I could give her up. He has gotten used to it, and sees her as part of the “picture” now, saying stuff like… “When that new restaurant opens, the three of us need to check it out”. But we are both kind of confused as to what to do. We love each other, we do. And we always will. We had a heart to heart recently that basically ended with him looking for reassurance that we’d be together forever, and I couldn’t give that to him. I don’t know what the future holds.
Around the time I realized I was “curious”, I stopped looking at men, thinking about men… all of the above. I figured it meant that I was with “the one”. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would fall in love with a woman and I guess looking back that was my own stupid oversight. But I did. And that is where I am now. The Boy and I grew up together, we are best buds. But he hasn’t ever completely fulfilled my needs, emotionally speaking and the intimacy was lacking… I always blamed it on my low sex drive… but I am thinking differently now. We are already legally married, so if we decide to break it off, there would be a divorce whether we go through with the wedding or not. I am not sure I am ready to break us apart. At this point, our situation is working. She is actually moving into our second bedroom, on his recommendation because of financial reasons.
I am not entirely sure what I am asking advice for…I think I just need insight, thoughts, opinions. As I said, I know I will get crap for this situation… “You’re married, your loyalty should lie with your husband”, “Its cheating” etc. I have heard it all. Maybe I am looking for more unique arguments…or then again… just someone to listen? I am confused in so many ways.
Post # 3
I think the most loving thing you could do for your husband is to divorce him and give him the chance to find what you found. It won’t be easy and you will miss him, but I also think it’s selfish to keep him hanging on to you (as he still obviously really cares for you).
Post # 4
mbf123 change your name to n_a_mess. You are in a tough situation….kind of. If youre not in love with him than maybe the marriage is falling apart. The fact that you may not even be interested in men period means it’s over. I think we all have grown up with the idea that when you marry someone you need to stick with them forever. Really,it’s a lovely idea but some people change and grow. It’s almost unfair to your husband. It sounds like he’s just a roomie, maybe that’s all he should be. I married myself for other reasons than love and after awhile things became bitter, almost resentful. Be true to him and be true to yourself, dont hang on to something that isn’t there. Just make sure that you are really and truly in love with HER not the excitement of having a “side piece”.
Post # 5
I have to agree with PP’s .. let your husband go and give him the chance to find the love that you have with your “partner”. If he’s been this amicable and understanding throughout, I am POSITIVE you will both be able to remain friends, or at least aquaintances.
Best of Luck to you, it seems as if a sticky situation, and honestly — I’m glad it’s not me.
Post # 6
this is a sticky situation, but i think you said it very clearly when you said “She is amazing. Completes me in every way. She is my best friend, my lover, my support. Everything. He knows about her and my relationship. I know he regretted letting me explore after a little while, but there was no way I could give her up.” – its clear that your relationship with her is both fulfilling and satisfying for you, and i think you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings
at this point, you are carrying on two complete relationships, which isnt fair to either your husband or your gf. from the sounds of your post, it seems like you have already made the decision, and just have to take the steps to put it into action – my advice would be to sit down, talk it over with your husband, and then look towards the option of divorce so that he has the opportunity to find what you have found, accidentally
Post # 7
I think you need to really look deep into yourself and decide which relationship is the one that fulfills you more. I think it’s truely great you are so upfront with everyone so no one is in the dark and you clearly have and amazing guy who is willing to support whatever will make you happy. I have known couples that relationships of this sort have worked happily for awhile, although they ususally didn’t last. I’m sure there are situations when the relationships have lasted and I am strong believer in that when all involved are adults and given the opportunity to make their own decisions which make them happy, it’s up to them and not for others to judge.
Sadly, from the situation you described it doesn’t sound as though your guy is truely happy. I could be wrong, and that’s for you and him to decide. It sounds as though he is being supportive in hopes that will keep from leaving. He clearly loves you and wants to see you happy. If you think you would be happier with the women then I agree with the poster above me who said you should let him go so he can find that same happiness you have.
Post # 8
Oops. I see this is a duplicate thread. Please continue to comment on this thread. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/so-very-lost-thoughts-welcomed-1
I will close this thread for now.