Post # 1
How would you feel about your SO travelling with a female friend to another country? Sorry this is long, but I really want others input. I came out of lurking to post this.
Last night, SO and I had an argument about this. SO and I have been together for 6 years. I completely trust him and he has never cheated.
I’m currently a full-time student in a dental hygiene program with a little less than a year to go and SO has helped a ton with my expenses. He’s been itching to travel lately and feels that he deserves to treat himself since he’s been helping me out so much. I asked if he could wait until I graduate so I could go with him, but then I’ll be job hunting and may not be able to get time off to travel for awhile and he says that since that might not happen for awhile after I graduate, he doesn’t really want to wait.
Both of us love Japan. I went once about 8 years ago with my ex. My SO went about 2 years ago with some of our friends. I was unable to go that time due to school and work. It hurt my feelings a bit that he couldn’t wait until I was able to go as well since Japan is the place I’ve most wanted to travel to together and he knows that.
Last night he tells me that he thinks he wants to go to Japan. I asked why Japan of all places, especially since I’d have to miss out again. He said that he considered other countries, but Japan is the only one where he knows of someone who could travel with him and translate – that someone being a female friend. I know the friend and consider her a mutual friend, but I’m not very close to her.
I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that. He says he doesn’t understand why, since she’s just a friend and he’s not attracted to her. He thinks I’m being silly and selfish. He asked if I’m jealous and I said yes. He asked why since he’s never given me a reason not to trust him. I told him that it wasn’t about trust. I can honestly say that I believe 100% with my heart that he wouldn’t do anything inappropriate with her, but I’d still be jealous. Jealous that he’s sharing the experience with another female and it will hurt my feelings to see a bunch of pictures of them visiting places and eating at restaurants together while I haven’t had the chance to have those experiences with him. It will hurt to hear about all the fun things they did together.
He asked if I would feel any differently if he went with a guy and I said yes, it may be irrational, but it wouldn’t bother me as much. He says he doesn’t see how it’s any different since she’s just a friend.
Please tell me how you would feel in this situation? I really don’t see myself as insecure or jealous. This female friend is my SO’s running buddy. They spend lots of time together and I have no problem with it, but wanting to travel to another country alone with a female friend just seems to cross some boundry for me. I tried how he’d feel if the situation was reversed and he says it wouldn’t bother him, he’d just want me to go and have fun.
Post # 5
It would totally bother me as well. In fact, I have a friend overseas that I would love to visit so badly, but I won’t go visit until my FI can afford to come with me since it is a male friend. My friend is also engaged and nothing would happen but I would never travel overseas to visit a male friend without my FI. I’ve traveled cross country with female friends while my FI and I have been together and I’ve traveled to a foreign country to visit a female friend without my FI. I would hope he would extend to me the same courtesy.
Post # 6
100% agree with you. I trust my SO with all of my heart, but thats crossing the line IMO. I would not be okay with that at all. I can’t imagine wanting to travel without my SO in any case anyways because I want us to experience it together.
Post # 7
Wow I’ll be shocked if anyone says they would be okay with this. I think jealousy could be an issue in this scenario even if he were going with a male friend because he’s having this experience that you want to have with someone else. Going with a female friend, and one that you’re not personally close to, adds a whole ‘nother level of “oh hell no.” It would be one thing if he were going somewhere (with a male friend(s) or a relative) that you have no interest in going, or doing a type of, say, extreme/adventure travel that you have no interest in. But he’s proposing to go somewhere you really, really want to go without you, and instead with his…female running buddy? Oh hell no.
It’s nice that you trust him. But this just seems a) really disrespectful to you and b) playing with fire. Traveling with someone can be a pretty intense bonding experience. I truly cannot imagine how you would feel sitting at home knowing that they’re galavanting around Japan together. He can find somewhere to travel on his own, or with a more appropriate choice of friend(s), if he really can’t wait for you.
Post # 10
I don’t think you are being ridiculous. It would be a “boundary” that his crossing I wouldn’t be comfortable with either.
But then again, I don’t believe that Male & Females can be just friends and hang out 24/7 without the fact that one of them has some sort of attraction to the other.
This is based on years of
(a) being female, with a very in-tune sense of female intuition, and
(b) having a Fiance, and many male friends who have told me… that thinking so is a pretty naive thing. MOST MEN who are hanging out with a gal 24/7 do so because they like her, they are hoping, dreaming, wishing for something happening.
My Fiance and guy friends who I have many indepth conversations with… (and see regularly, but whom I don’t hang out with excessively… and rarely without my Hubby-2-B around) say this is just part of a man’s genetic make-up. Period.
IMO… something to think about
Post # 11
I hate to be the one person to disagree, but while I would be jealous I think it would be kind of unfair to expect him not to go. My fiancé and I are in similar situations but reversed. I travel without him all the time and frequently visit my male friends alone. He might become resentful if you ask him not to go, as I know I would be if my fiancé asked me not to go.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t like it personally.
I feel the issue is that you view the trip as something that would continue to build intimacy between the two of you, since you both share love for Japan.
He seems to view it as simply going on a fun trip that is self-serving, and it doesn’t matter who it’s with. He even stated that he only picked her because she can translate.
What jumps out at me most about your post is that he’s kinda selfish at least with him wanting to travel. It’s not about you or anyone he just wants to go when he wants to go, period.
If you’ve been together for six years he obviously cares about you, but he’s not “getting it” because of his own wants.
Post # 13
The female friend is engaged and I know nothing would happen, but I just don’t like it. I hate that he’s making me feel bad about this. He even told me that I could figure out how to pay for my own hygiene school expenses if I’m going to be like this. He thinks I’m being selfish and I say he’s being selfish and thoughtless.
I feel so hurt.
Post # 14
I would 100% be ok with this.
My husband and I are avid travelers, and I think taking every opportunity to travel is important!
Why hold him back just because you can’t go? That seems petty and unfair. You are both individuals who deserve the opportunity to have new experiences! He deserves to have fulfilling friendships, and to make good memories with those friends. Not every part of his life is about you – let him have an adventure!!
Post # 15
Ok, him threatening you is not ok. Now this says that he feels like he has power over you.
Sounds like a selfish dude.
As for the girl being engaged, that doesn’t mean she is now dead to any feelings towards other men.
Post # 16
I don’t think my FI would ever even ask that of me. I would not be ok with it, not because I think he’s going to cheat, but because he’s going on your dream trip with someone else! He should wait until you can go…