Post # 1
To start, I don’t have a problem with him not wanting to move forward while I’m unemployed. I’m fine with it. In fact, while there was a time I really wanted to talk about marriage with him, I don’t want that right now. I want to focus on getting myself together. I want to feel like I’m in a partnership with the person I’m with. For me, that means having a career and contributing monitarily to the household. I’ve been open and honest with him about how I feel.
That said, my SO won’t shut up about the fact that he WON’T be moving forward with me while I’m unemployed. Sometimes he thinks he is being funny, and will bring it up out of the blue (without my prompting). He told me his co-worker asked him if he was going to propose on a recent vacation, and he was like, no way man, she’s unemployed. Today, the topic of marriage came up, and he went on and on about how he wouldn’t marry me while I was unemployed. In fact, he actually said “who would want you?” I’m so hurt when he says this, and I’ve told him it hurts my feelings. I understand where he is coming from, in a way, but it seems unnecessary to rub it in my face. Its not like I’m pressuring him to marry me this moment or that I’m not spending all of my time networking and sending out resumes. I’ve told him repeatdly that this hurts my feelings, yet he still does it. He actually asked me if I would marry him if he was unemployed, and, honestly, the answer is yes. I don’t know why he is being like this.
In any event, I just had it with him. I’ve told him calmly that he hurts my feelings when he does this, so this time I started yelling at him. Now he is mad because he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t understand how he can not see that he is being deliberately hurtful and mean. Am I in the wrong here? What can I do to get through to him?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Is he assuming that if one of you loses a job during your marriage, you will get divorced? Calling your partner undesirable because of unemployment (as long as it’s not chronic) is really not cool.
Post # 4
@lawyerchick13: Oh my goodness. I am so, so sorry that you’re dealing with this. You’re so not in the wrong here- your partner shouldn’t be saying that you’re undesirable! That’s so mean and uncalled for, especially since you haven’t been doing anything to “provoke” him. What does he say when you talk to him about it calmly?
Post # 5
@lawyerchick13: oh goodness – he sounds like he’s got some insecurities lurking somewhere. I think that’s usually the case when someone is lashing out at someone close to them. You’re right – it’s not reasonable for him to fail to see how hurtful those words are. If he’s oblivious about his callousness, maybe it’s time for a little professional assistance? Or maybe it’s time for a more grateful partner? Sorry you’re dealing with this on top of the stress of looking for legal work in this challenging market. He should be the one you can lean on at a time like this, not the one rubbing salt in your wounds.
Post # 6
Okay, I swore I would never be this bee..
But.. I have to be honest.
I read your previous posts on here.. and @lawyerchick13: your S/O sounds like the biggest ASSHOLE. I mean sure, things are great for months at a time but whenever you post.. its something big and its something very destructive and down-right mean.
My question for you is do you really want a proposal? Do you want to spend your life with someone who yes is great on most days.. but when he’s mean he is completely destructive and inconsiderate to the extreme?
Personally.. I think you deserve way more than this..or anything else you’ve posted. My heart goes out to you and I really hope things change for you. <3
Post # 7
@lawyerchick13: Your guy is an ass. He is tearing you down and holding love at ransom. That is sick. His obsessiveness with the subject of why he won’t marry you is very telling. I think he has no intention of ever marrying you, and is latching onto this one thing as a big, giant justification for it.
I think you can also assume that if by some miracle you do get married, he will be divorcing you should you ever lose your job.
Post # 8
*hugs* you deserve much better treatment than this!
Post # 9
@lawyerchick13: Oh my gosh. I read the title and gasped, then thought, “Well, maybe he has some general concerns that make this not seem THAT bad.”
Nope. I’m horrified that he said those things to you.
I just passed the bar in my home state and the job market for lawyers is ROUGH. I’m unemployed, no real jobs on the horizon, and I got engaged last Tuesday. I feel awful about not being able to contribute, but my fiance has a plan for us to make all of this work even with me being unemployed. That’s what a couple has to be willing to do, because we’ve all seen the crazy things the economy has done in the past few years. No one’s job is safe.
I’m not saying this to make you feel bad – I want you to know that you are so valuable and worth so much to the world regardless of your job situation or how much money you make. There is no appropriate scenario in which he should be saying those things. If it was just that he had concerns about funding the wedding you want, or wanting to wait to see where your job is located, or what your finances look like after you get a salary and your monthly bills shake out, or anything LOGICAL, it would be understandable. But this seems like he just wants to wait and see what you’re worth financially.
What he said to you is NOT okay.
Post # 10
His behavior is a bit worrying I think. A partnership isn’t only when you can be there for someone, but also when they can be there for you.
I was without a job for about a month a little over a year ago, its stressful! I can’t imagine dealing with that stress while your SO isn’t also being supportive of your efforts to work on the situation.
You deserve someone who will help build you up not tear you down.
Post # 12
@lawyerchick13: So if you get a job he’ll propose but then if you lose it before you get married (even 2 days before) he would call the wedding off? my husband proposed when we were students and then lost his job just before we got married, for the first 3 months of our marriage he was unemployed. What difference does it make in the long term? Partners support each other even in the hardest times.
I’m sorry but I would make seeing a counsellor mandatory or leave. I have been on his side of the coin, I have had to pay my dh’s monthly payments, had to feed us. I would never have said any of that to him. Worst I said to him was I’d support him in any decision he took except in changing his career field. He was born an engineer and I wasn’t letting him give that up because he was struggling with depression from losing his job. For him to say thoose things to you in spite of you telling him how it makes you feel, that is the problem. If he didn’t know how you felt about them I could say maybe he just doesn’t realise but he does realise and he does it anyway
Post # 13
He’s being an ass and to say no one would want you because of that is rude. If he said that to me I’d probably say, well see who wants a man who acts like an ass. And I’d probably leave his ass.
Post # 14
@lawyerchick13: FI proposed to me while he was unemployed (after having been laid off due to the economy) and it never occurred to me to say no because of this. For better or worse.
Post # 15
Unless it turns out to be a misdirect, and even so considering that it hurts you deeply and you’ve expressed that clearly, that’s a dick move. I also don’t want to get engaged while unemployed, but mostly due to wedding savings/costs rather than monetary partnership, so I see where you’re both coming from, but that just seems, from a totally outside perspective mind you, emotionally manipulative. My partner is unemployed and I fully value him! If he weren’t actively trying to remedy that, I might reconsider on the basis of whether he’ll be a good and full partner throughout our relationship, but that’s a wholly different story. Unemployment happens in most modern American long-term relationships, and a big part of marriage/similar arrangements is supporting that emotionally and financially.
Post # 16
I don’t think this guy deserves you. I am horrified that he would say that. Are you sure that there aren’t other problems in the relationship? I don’t feel like a guy would just say that out of the blue.