S/O: Would you marry him if he was in debt??

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll:
    Yes : (96 votes)
    50 %
    No : (19 votes)
    10 %
    Other - Certain $$$ Amount is WAAAY tooooooo much!! (Tell me what your limit is!) : (58 votes)
    30 %
    Other : (20 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @FutureDrAtkins:  It depends how much debt and what it was from. If it was from school then that is reasonable to me. If it was from keeping up with the Jones’ and living outside of his means then no. I wouldn’t date anyone who was financially irresponsible let alone marry them (which is my same answer from my original thread).

    I don’t believe in champagne tastes on a beer budget. Student debt can be paid down but irresponsible debt will likely just continue. I also think debt from a mortgage or a car is acceptable. Money can cause serious tensions in a relationship and since I am such a saver I could never be with a spender.

    Post # 4
    1173 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @FutureDrAtkins:  Actually its the reverse in mine and Mr. Texas situation. 

    When I was married to my first husband, I was deployed to the middle east. While he had my power of attorney he took out loans for enormous amounts of money. In our divorce he was ordered to repay them since I didnt take them out. However he never has. While deployed he took out over 100,00 in loans. I am slowly paying them off. However my credit is shot until they are paid. I explained all this to DH before we were married, and he completely understood. I pay a small amount each month on all the loans and then when income tax comes I pay off a portion of a loan or if the amount is low enough then I pay off the whole thing.

    DH makes very good money and has great credit, so everything goes into his name until my debts are paid.

    So yes I would do it for him just like he did for me.

    Post # 6
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’m a romantic…that being said I also think with a level head.  I agree with previous posters.  If he’s in debt from school, his car or a house, fine.  Crazy amounts on credit cards for random toys/clothes/hobbies. No way.

    Sorry, but anybody that’s willing to live beyond their means inpractically would probably stress me out in the money department for life.

    PS:  My fiance and I will be keeping our money separate anyway…but we are neither of us crazy spenders anyway.

    Post # 7
    3778 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I did and I don’t regret it. DH was already in the process of consolidation and fixing it all all we have left are small student loans for both of us. I think the big red flag would have been if he was ignoring the debt and/or didn’t learn his lesson. 

    Also I’m not going to go into exactly what the debt was from but it was only because he was stupid enough to let someone else have access to his cards and he never checked up on it. *facepalm* needless to say he really learned his lesson.

    ETA: So I guess it’s only acceptable if they’re fixing it. I think we’re all entitled to have a few mistakes in our life.

    Post # 8
    5160 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    For me, values around the way to spend money are really important.  It wouldn’t be so much that he was in  debt, but depending on why and what he was doing about it, this could possibly be a deal breaker for me.

    For example, student debt would be highly unlikely to be a problem (unless the reason he had masses of it is because he’s the type of person who just wants to keep paying to go to school and never get a job).  Massive consumer debt and unrepentant or not aggressively digging out?  That is a marriage that would never work.  I am extremely financially responsible and debt averse and I could not make it work with someone who wasn’t at least in control of their own spending.

    Post # 9
    8677 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Depends on the debt. I believe that student loans & a morgage is the only acceptable debt outside of necessary-conditional debt (An example I gave was going into debt to save a family memeber from space herpes.)

    If he had a gambling debt, no.
    If he has morgage debt, yes.
    If he has credit card debt, no.
    If he has student loan debt, yes.

    Post # 10
    11300 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Still can’t tag people, but I agree with MrsPanda99.

    Post # 11
    4513 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Depends on the debt. If he has $3,000 on a credit card that is very different than $20,000. It also depends what its from and if spending the money was necessary. Did he have to put a new engine in his car? Student loans? Medical bills? Sometimes things happen and it isnt* always due to bad budgeting.


    A friend of mine just graduated med school and has $500,000 in student loans. Would I marry a person with $30K in CC debt? No. Would I marry a doctor with $300K in student loans? Yes. There is a big difference between good debt and bad debt.


    Post # 12
    3077 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    @Hyperventilate:  I basically agree with this but vary a little.

    If my SO had debt from like a time when she was young & irresponsible & stupid but was actively working to pay it off and change her financial situation, that’s one thing. Gambling is a definite no but that’s because I won’t marry someone with an addiction (even smoking cigarettes.) school debt doesn’t matter to me & mortgage debt would impress me at our age!

    I work in banking. I enjoy finance stuff. If my SO was a crazy spender/irresponsible with her money/got into debt because she just didn’t care it would probably impact our relationship. My sister is INSANELY irresponsible with her money and I couldn’t and wouldn’t marry anyone that was like her. It’s a lifetime of headache, fights, resentment and unhappiness ahead.

    Post # 13
    6407 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Yes, but if it was due to his own poor financial decision-making, I’d be taking over making the family financial decisions, as a pre-req, because WE will not be in debt, at least, not for long. We’d get him out of that hole and never get close to that again.

    I pretty much do manage our financial decision-making anyway, because I’m better at that than FI is, he’s the “spender” between us. It’s not hard. If the purchase is over $100, we have to talk about it with each other first (gifts to each other are exempt). This way, no big ugly surprises.

    Post # 14
    1173 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I didnt cause my debt, which is why my DH is understanding of my situation. I also make decent money and pay on my debts even though I had nothing to do with them. Also Im not a crazy spender, I pay my car payment, and pay I pay all the utilities in the house, as well as buy groceries. DH is taking on the mortgage payment now that we are purchasing a house, he pays his motorcycle payment and his cary payment. His credit cards are zero balanced every month and we enjoy a comfortable lifestyle.

    DH also pays the insurance on our cars while I am paying off the loans my ex took out in my name, as soon as that is paid off I will pay my own insurance and he also pays our pet insurance for our three dogs.

    I dont know how fair it is, however it works for us.

    Post # 15
    10453 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Rather than divide types of debt into ‘good’ debt and ‘bad’ debt, I would say it depends on financial smarts.

    I could forgive a screwup in the past as long as it was being worked out, but I probably would have waited to join finances if that was the case.

    I think a huge unaffordable mortgage or ridiculous student loans can be just as bad as consumer debt.

    Post # 16
    7997 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Nope. Been there, done that. Had no life. Every day was a struggle. Sooo glad I did not end up with my ex.

    I had a requirement after we broke up that my next bf would not be in debt. Luckily my SO is good with $$ (and used to be an accountant even!) so it’s ok. Debt sucks. Never again!

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