Social Units and "Waiting for Marriage" (+1 Issue)

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I cut friends from the guest list to give extended family plus ones?
    Yes, family comes first. : (20 votes)
    21 %
    No, invite the people you actually want. : (77 votes)
    79 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @StressedMess:  I think you are perfectly fine sticking to your plan of only inviting plus ones for those who are married, engaged, and living together. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    4072 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I think it’s fine to just reserve +1s for those engaged, married, and living together. A lot of people draw that line. I would do that if you really want to invite some other friends instead.

    Otherwise it can get kind of sticky because cousin A has been dating his girlfriend for a year, and now he’s mad he gets no plus +1 whereas cousin B has been dating the same person for three and gets the +1, despite both being in the same situation of living apart from their partners. The line is just much harder to draw in this case.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3978 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @StressedMess:  Is there any way to split this 50/50? You get 75, he gets 75? How his family chooses one gets dates and who doesn’t is then on them?  I am totally sympathetic with this, it’s not so easy to just say “engaged, married, or cohabitating!” I personally would say, go ahead with that rule, and if his parents have issues with that, I mean, honestly, it’s true, X and Y aren’t married. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    You can’t judge the seriousness of someone’s relationship. Plus ones are only given to truly single guests. The guests you describe are not truly single. If you can name their “guest” it is not a plus one and you must invite them. So, if Bobby is dating around and does not have a steady girlfriend you can name. No, he doesn’t get a plus one. If Cindy has been dating Joey steadily (whether 1 month or 10 years) he must be invited.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3394 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @StressedMess:  I think you’re going to insult a lot of your soon-to-be family by not letting them bring significant others. But if you want to know how badly I’d ask FMIL what she thinks.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1332 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Wow, as someone who can’t live with her partner before marriage(but wants to) this is kind of offensive. S/o and I certainly aren’t leading separate lives. We make all decisions together, we’re entwined with each other’s family and friends and we’re working hard towards our goal of being married and finally able to live together.

    ok let’s get to your dilemma. A few questions: how close are you and FI to these relatives? Are they sibling close or 3rd cousin close? Will you spend considerable time with these relatives and their partners in the coming years? How much drama will not inviting the partners cause? Will people hold grudges for years or get over by the next family holiday?

    If you are close to these relatives, you should suck it up and invite their partners. After all, they will likely be spouses one day and a permanent part of your social circle.

    If these relatives are ones you only see every five years at family reunions, I think you can get away with not inviting the partners, since the relatives and partners are unlikely to ever become a part of your social circle. You might piss some people off but you know best whether the potential drama will be worth it or not.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1931 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @worldtraveler:  +1 I completely agree. My SO and I are waiting to move in with each other and get engaged until after I’ve graduated from undergrad. I would be quite offended if I was deemed to be “not legitimate enough” of a relationship to receive an invitation. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1248 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I always shocked when this comes up, this sort of stuff is just really not an issue in Australia in my experience. Single people here generally do not get plus ones at weddings and would not expect one.  Anyone who is in a relationship (be it living apart, together, engaged, married) does.  It’s not even called giving them a ‘plus one’, we just consider it as inviting the couple. It would cause big offence to not invite someone’s partner just because they were not living together yet.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5192 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @StressedMess:  You know the answer to this question, hence why you went anon.  You HAVE to invite their SOs!  It is NOT ok to divide social units, and just because they aren’t married, engaged, or living together (especially when they are not living together for religious reasons!) doesn’t mean their relationship doesn’t count.

    You need to make your guest list first and THEN choose your venue.  You shouldn’t choose a venue and then make awkward cuts to your guest list to shoe horn people in.  

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @StressedMess:  So I voted “no +1s”, but I lied!

    I would give +1s to people abstaining from living together before marriage/engagement.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2546 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I didn’t vote because I firmly do not think family comes first, but I do think that if you think “social units” cannot be separated, you have to give them plus ones. It’s not really your place to decide how serious their relationship is beacuse they don’t live together.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5192 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @Lollybags:  Could we please make this the custom in North America as well?  We cause ourselves so much stress with this and it’s insane.  It makes complete sense that if you are in a relationship you are invited as a unit, if you are not you are invited on your own.  For goodness sakes!  

    Post # 15
    Member
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I can answer this from two perspectives, guest and hostess.

    As a guest, I would be pretty pissed if I were invited to a family wedding without my SO (which in my case, we are engaged, but the engagement is still fairly recent and I would have been just as pissed a few months ago).  In fact, I am going to have to go to a cousins wedding next year, 3 months before we get married, alone, because apparently my FI isn’t “family”.  I will go to the wedding, I will wish the bride and groom the best of luck and I will invite them both to our wedding.  However, even though this is a cousin I grew up with and have felt very close to in the past, I will distance myself from them socially and not place a priority on spending time with them.  They do not consider my SO to be “family” and thus I should not consider them to be close family.  I think if these family members are people you or your FI consider yourselves close to, you should make every effort to include the people they identify as most important to them.

    As a hostess, FI and I first determined our guest list and then determined our venue.  We know we have ample space for extras in case we need them.  I understand money is a concern, but I think it is possible to figure out your guest list, then your budget and then figure out what kind of wedding you can afford to have to entertain all these people that you want with you on your wedding day.  If that means serving champagne and cake in the church fellowship hall, it can still be a lovely reception.  Clearly you’ve already chosen your venue, so you can’t go back in time.  Perhaps you can have a reception that includes mostly family and just a few close friends and then a few weeks later host a big barbecue for all of your friends to help you celebrate?

    Post # 16
    Member
    1590 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I’d be pissed if I was with someone for two years, and couple that lived together but were together for less time, was able to come together when I wasn’t.

    FI and I put off living together because I was almost laid off. Just because they aren’t living together doesn’t mean they’re less serious.

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