- 6 years ago
DH and I are very different social animals. I knew this early on in our dating life, I knew this marrying him, I know this as a married woman! I’ve learned that DH has his limits with social interaction and typically does not like doing things he’s not comfortable doing or with people he’s not particuarly fond of. That’s not to say he won’t put himself in situations he isn’t thrilled about – it’s more that he’d prefer not to be there – and, quite frankly, I typically have a much better time if I’m not worried about if he’s having a good time – so, what’s worked for us is if there is a unimportant social event that I want to go to – I’ll ask him if he wants to go. 99.9% of the time, it’s a ‘no’. I’m sad about it, but go to the event, and sometimes miss DH, but usually have fun regardless.
There were 4 events in the last week or so that I presented to him – all that got a big, fat ‘no’. The first three were expected (one was an activity I knew he’d hate and the other two were hanging out with people he isn’t particuarly fond of), and the fourth was a neutral thing (going to a club to hear this girl I know sing) and I was surprised he didn’t want to go, but I didn’t push it.
Last night, he asks me if I want to play poker with some work friends on Sunday afternoon. Now, I typically don’t mind playing poker with his work friends, I actually reallly enjoy playing… but Sunday afternoons are usually ‘our’ days, and I felt miffed that while I’d have fun, it wasn’t what I particularly wanted to do. I found myself wanting to say ‘no’ – but for no good reason. And, now that I sit and type this all out, I think my gut reaction to say no was just to spite him!! and make him feel the way I felt when he says no to my invites. How horrible is that of me?!?!!!!! 🙁
I guess I’m feeling bitter that I do things that I’d maybe rather not do or make an effort with people I don’t particularly know so that we can have a shared experience… and while I know he makes an effort to do this when it’s my friends, I guess I’m feeling like it’s not enough lately??? or maybe it’s just all the recent rejections that’s making me have a problem with it – because I don’t think this would have been an issue at all, had I not had so many recent ‘no’s’.
I think what also may be playing into it is a lack of dates for us… DH has always been horrible at planning them (so I don’t expect him to magically turn into a master date planner!). He does fine with my prompting or going along with what I’ve planned/suggested – but, I feel stuck in a rut, I suppose, and even when I talk to him about it – it seems hopeless (because nothing really changes). I’m thinking about asking him to just plan an activity for the next day we both have off together – but I feel like I’m just setting myself up for disappointment too.
As you might have picked up – I’m sorting through why this is making me cranky, and I’d love the hive’s help in either figuring out how to ‘suck it up’ or ideas for what’s worked in your relationships that perhaps I can try out in my own.