(Closed) Socializing: Time together & time apart – need help thinking this out

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you have a right to be cranky.  I know he may not be fond of a particular group of people or activity etc. but accompanying you once in awhile because he loves you and is not thinking about how it will make him feel would be nice.

I honestly would be upset too.  I don’t know what the answer is if he is unwilling to compromise…

Post # 4
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can see giving him a pass for many things, but not everything. If my FI blew off every social thing that comes up, I’d be pissed. I have gone to every single social thing of his, but I still give him a pass now and then for skipping things for my social things. I would never give him a pass on anything important though.

Post # 5
Member
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think I’d feel upset that he gave up “our” day to play poker. I’m like your FI where I don’t like to go to many social events. I will go to ones where I feel comfortable around the people, but if its his friend’s kids’ b-day party, I feel uncomfortable because its not just his friends. Its a ton of people like aunts and uncles and grandparents that I can’t relate to and that scares me. I am trying to get better, but it is difficult. DH is way more social than I am, and this does bother him sometimes, but I am trying to get better and do more. It’s just hard to go outside my comfort zone.

I would say maybe you guys could do a date-jar toegther? It’s something to do together and you both have to plan certain dates out. Write a simple date on a popsicle stick and put it in a jar so come Sunday instead of YOU thining of something you can pull the popsicle stick out of the jar and go with it.

Anyway, just designate Sundays as your day together if you can find another day that works. DH and I have a no phone/computer after 8pm rule, so that way every night we sit on the couch, snuggle, and watch movies. It is set, and neither of us can break the rule, even for work.

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why don’t you just talk to him about it instead of silently resenting him? It doesn’t sound healthy.

My DH and I have the same dynamic (i’m like your husband). Except, I make an effort to meet him halfway and don’t turn everything down, just some stuff. I think you guys should discuss a compromise.

Post # 9
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m just like your husband, so I suggest reading up on introverts and their social tendencies. It’s been really helpful for my extrovert Fi to do some research on it. 

Being in social situations that most people find normal can be horrifying for us. They drain and depress us, while for most people, socializing or trying something new energizes them. My Fi knows that social situations require a bit of a push and reassurance that he will be around and that there is a time limit for how long we are there. Sometimes, it even takes a bribe. But I do get better. The more I know and like some people, the more willing I am to see them. 

All I am saying is that nagging him will not work. Being patient and playing it day by day will. He wont be an introvert every day. He will want to go out and spend time with people. It just takes time and the right kind of mood. 

Post # 10
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

First, I have to say that for someone married to an introvert, it does sound like you have quite an active social life. Four events in one week is a lot! I think you should go with him on Sunday–it’s not fair that he doesn’t get to have any social life just because he doesn’t enjoy socializing as much as you do– but you should also sit down and talk to him at some point in the near future and tell him that this has been troubling you. Maybe you could compromise: You go to slightly fewer events, and he puts himself out of his comfort zone and goes to slightly more. For example, if you’d attended 3 of the 4 events, and he’d gone with you to one of them, you probably wouldn’t be upset at all. And you’d have gotten to spend significantly more time together.

Also, on weeks where you plan something for Sundays, you might try to set aside some time on a weeknight for just the two of you to make up for it. Go out for dinner/ crack open a bottle of wine and watch a movie/ cook together and then dance by candlelight in your living room/ whatever floats your boat. Point is, if your usual “us time” is disrupted, be sure to immediately reschedule it and then you won’t feel resentful or disappointed, but rather have a nice mid-week treat to look forward to.

You could also try to take more control of your social life by initiating more social events with friends whose company he does enjoy. Go out for drinks after work one Friday with another couple, have a friend or two over for dinner, etc. Does he do better with smaller groups? Or at concerts/movies where he isn’t expected to interact with people so much? Try to suggest more of whatever activities he’s most comfortable with, and ask him for input.

Post # 11
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry! I know this sucks, because I’m in the same boat. My SO is picky about how he spends his time and I’m a social butterfly. I think you need to talk to him and explain that while you don’t want to force him into anything, he really should be joining you on some of your outings. How about setting some guidelines? 

For example, my SO doesn’t like going out on weeknights. I understand this, because he’s tired from work. So I try to be home for dinner at least 3 weeknights, but he can’t complain if I go out the other nights (or even more, on a particularly busy week). As for weekends, we switch off. One weekend we wil stay in and do his thing, but on the next weekend, he usually agrees to go out with my friends and I. 

Post # 12
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@megz06:  Thank you for the date jar idea.  I really like it!  πŸ™‚

OP, I think a nice compromise is having Sunday still remain your day – just the two of you, and you each ‘give’ a social event to the other.  Like in order for you to play poker on Saturday (ahem), he has to go with you to the show, but you’ll make sure that you’re there for 2 hours instead of 4. I know a couple that don’t really do any socializing outside of their home together and they’re great, and I know another couple who only socialize outside of the house together.  If one doesn’t go, the other doesn’t go.  You will find your sweet spot soon.  πŸ™‚

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