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Absolutely, he should be there.
Its not only a sign of support and respect to you, its to your family. Its one thing it it were a coworker, but as a member of your family he should be there no questions asked.
You go not only to pay your respects for the dead, but for the living and loved ones.
On the side- now that you are engaged you should always be included in family invites/functions (unless its strictly a "guys" thing IE brothers night out)
My great-aunt passed away last October. We were very close (she was like a mother to me), and DH was there the entire time. It's a sign of respect and support, and I really appreciated having him there, even though he didn't know her well and met her after her Alzheimer's had gotten really bad.
I would have been LIVID if he'd whined about attending the wake and funeral because he wanted to go to some birthday party.
I agree that:
- you should have been invited to the birthday dinner
- he should accompany you to calling hours.
You are a couple now and should both act and be treated as such.
That's what I thought. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being irrational. I know that I've been to many funerals as a kid and an adult, but not everyone has had to deal with so many deaths like I have. Because of this, without a doubt, I would go to (and have) any wake/funeral that FI had to go with. I think his mom sheltered him from deaths and he doesn't understand the whole respect and support thing. When I told him to send a card to his best friend's wife, after her grandfather passed away, he didn't understand why.
Woooow...I just overheard my future MIL giving my FI a really hard time for canceling dinner plans, because he decided he would come with me to the wake. Makes me feel like a witch with a "b."
Sounds like you have bigger problems than your FI not wanting to come with you. And you most certainly are not a b*tch because you want the man you love with you to support your family. Geez louise.
@MissHelen:I know, right. How immature of his mother to act like such a victim; its a funeral...dinner can happen the following day. Especially since FI made up same lame excuse as to why he didn't want to go to dinner on Monday, his brothers real birthday. FI's mom didn't complain about that, but she complains about a funeral. What's wrong with people?
When DH's grandfather passed away I certainly went with him to the base regardless of the fact I missed an important rehearsal as well as all of my classes for two days. I think he is being very unsupportive for complaining and his mother is rude. DH knows I don't like being around his family for a long time but he also knew I was going to put up with it because I wanted to support HIM. He said I could stay home if I wanted but again, I wanted to support him and be sensitive to his mourning process (I strongly dislike funerals even of my own family).
I think even my own parents would have been shocked if I didn't go with him.
Let's put it this way - when FI's grandfather was in the hospital 2 years ago, I was studying for finals in a hospital waiting room. His grandpa passed on Christmas Day, so the day after Christmas, where was I? Yep, at the viewing. The day after that? At the funeral. It wasn't about me, it wasn't even about us, at that point it was about respect for his family and him included.
His mom sounds like a nutjob, btw. She would probably be *livid* if you didn't come if one of his family members died, or at the very least, talk trash about you. Some people are wacky and only think in terms of how it affects their family. Not that I know anything about that...(ahem)
And the thing is that FI will be over his mom's house all day, working, so its not like she won't get to see him today. She's just pissed because now she doesn't have anyone to go out with and drink. Seriously, she gets upset we can't go out for a few drinks after we go to dinner with her on a work night. She's an alcoholic, but that's a whole different issue.
My FI came with us to my grandmothers funeral. He asked my dad if he could come also and the next thing I know it is 4:30 am and he is at my door with a bag ready to go ( It was a 4 hr drive). It ment so much to me and my family that he came, and it also helped ME when i just could not take any more.
He had midterms at the time and skipped them to go with me.
He should absolutely be there. That is technically his great aunt too now. And even so if anything for emotional support for you. Doesn't matter that you were not that close, funerals are hard period.
i agree with jules..my FI came with me to funerals of people he never met! he said that they were important to me an thats all that mattered...i went to his great aunts and i had only met her 1 time before she died- its a matter of being there for the person in their time of need
He should absolutely be there as part of your support system if you would like him to be! I am dealing with a similar situation now as my grandma's funeral will be any day now. SO and I have been together almost 1 1/2 yrs and plan on being engaged by the end of the year. Up until last night he had not met most of my extended family do to traveling distance. He let me know quickly that he will be by my side at calling hours through the funeral. He told me that it was part of our commitment to each other. He also had plans for the weekend but has put them on hold. My ex husband was the opposite. I had to nearly beg and plead for him to attend anything happy or sad with me where myfamily is involved. Many times wase would initiate an arguement right before we were to leave just so I would tell him to stay home. I hope your FI realizes what you need from him and steps up.
He needs to put on some black, and be there. He can go for a little and then meet his mother and brother. If you are getting married, he needs to straighten up quick and realize that your family and all of the life events that go along with it, are now his to attend, too. Same with his family inviting you to birthdays!
@soyjoy222: I agree--he should go with you, then meet up with his family afterwards.
Fi went to my gram's wake this month, and he AND his parents attended her funeral. I put them in the pew behind my parents, and was really touched that his mom and dad came.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss! I agree in this situation that he should definitely be there. This was a close relative to you and it's important to you that he be there. It would be a different story if it was a distant relative that you didn't even know well, and you were just going out of obligation. But that's not the case at all.
And it's crazy to me that you weren't invited along to his brother's birthday dinner after being together for so long and engaged! I wouldn't ever think of excluding my husband (then SO) at that point in our relationship from any family function. It's one thing if he invited you and you can't make it due to other obligations, but quite another to not invite you at all.
His mom is crazy. Of course your FI should be there. Before DH and I were even engaged his grandmother then grandfather passed away within just a couple months of each other. I took time off from work for both of them in order to travel for their funerals. Then my step mom's father died and DH came to that with me even though he wasn't my real grandfather!
Your FMIL needs to get over herself and treat YOU with more respect!
I going to have to semi-disagree with the PPs. I think it is situational dependent.
DH and I were long distance for a good chunk of the time we were engaged (I was in CA, he was in GA). My grandmother passed away while we were engaged and the funeral was mid-week back home in IN. Obviously I went home for it but I absolutely did NOT expect DH (FI at the time) to take off multiple days of work and buy a last minute plane ticket to IN. I could get plenty of support from my parents, siblings, etc and get his support via phone.
But if it is all local (no last minute plane tickets and such required), I do agree that he should be there with you.
@Mrs.KMM:FI lives with me, so all he has to do is put on some clothes and jump in the car with me and drive the 40ish minutes across town. I am not asking him to fly across the country with me; I would understand if he wouldn't do that.
I went with FI to his friend's dad's funeral. I didn't know the dad or the friend personally, but I went with FI anyways, because I thought it was the right thing to do out of respect. Plus, attending a wake by yourself, isn't super fun. It is a little better when you're with someone you love.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but I disagree with what most people said.
I would not have expected my FI to go with me to a great-aunt's funeral. If he asked and was wanting to - of course that would have been wonderful. But, I would have had him keep his plans and have him go to his brother's b'day party or let him decide what he wanted to do in that case.
It sounds like there's some disconnect with FI's family (and perhaps in his mind too??) with when you two become united as a family. I know for my family, they didn't really consider DH part until after the wedding (and even then it's been a rocky road). Where DH's family considered me family even before we were engaged.
re: the b'day party - I think it's ridiculous up you weren't invited - FYI.
@oracle:FI's mom signs all of my cards "Love mom"....if she doesn't consider me part of the family, why would she sign my cards like that? So the whole not inviting me to FI's brother's DINNER, not party, is just plain rude!
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Hi Ladies...I'm a regular poster, but I'm using this account for anonymity. I have a question...if a family member of yours dies, does your SO go to calling hours with you? My great aunt passed away yesterday; although we weren't that close these last few years (she was sick); we were close when I was younger. I've been with my FI for 4 years and getting married next summer; I think him going with me wouldn't kill him. Am I being unreasonable? He's only really complaining because he already had plans to go out with his mother and brother for his brother's birthday; in which, I wasn't even invited. Before the death, I told my FI that I was hurt that I wasn't being included, so I got a "pity" invite. Really? What do you bees think?