Post # 1
So I recently got married, about two months ago. Since the wedding it’s like nothing has changed, which I guess is good, but in the matter I am thinking. I feel like my husband doesn’t want to combine our lives. Let me explain….
So, I had open enrollment going at work so I told him that we need to sit down and figure out insurance….he blew me off for three weeks. Finally this morning I told him that we NEED to decide because my paper work is due tomorrow!!! He told me he doesn’t see what the big deal is about keeping our own insurance. At that point I pointed how how he has not changed his statu to married at work, he hasn’t changed his beneficiary information on his insurance paperwork, and how he keeps dodging getting a joint bank account. He simply told me he doesn’t see the big deal. At that point I told him to let me know when he wants to actually be my husband and not just a boyfriend.
Just as a little background info…..he was married before and his exwife left him after 9 months with his best friend, to whome she is now married. In the divorce he got screwed, so I’m sure that this is attributed to that.
I’m tired of living apart but together. How do I get him to actually be husband and wife and not boyfriend and girlfriend??? Or am I just over reacting??
Post # 3
I understand that he is worried about having everything taken away again but I wonder if he was like this before the wedding. Did he ask for a prenup or anything? If not, I don’t understand why he is pitching a fit now because if you do end up getting a divorce, he still would get half of his money whether or not it is in a joint account. Maybe you should keep seperate accounts and only put money for joint bills into a joint account for now so that he doesn’t feel like you have control over all his money? I understand why you are upset, you should be making decisions about insurance and money management together not seperately. Sorry if this is kind of rambling but I hope it can help you!
Post # 4
Thank you….he made the comment once a few years ago in passing that he would never get married without a prenup, but never mentioned it again.
Post # 5
my fiancee is horrible about actually doing stuff until I actually sit down and tell him “this is important to me”, and when I put it in the perspective that its not just another thing for him to blow off, he seems to take more of an interest.
Your husbands issues may be a little deeper because of the ex issue, but its another method to try at least.
Post # 6
I agree with Alicia-s, it may be just that he is being lazy & just kinda has a mind frame of “eh, I will do it later.” which many guys have.
But since you said he has some issues due to his past relationship, I would just ask him if his past has anything to do with the way he’s acting now, and explain that this is important for the two of you to do together. Chances are he doesn’t think its a big deal & just hasn’t put as much thought into it as you have.
Post # 7
He needs to realize you are not his ex. You are a different person and want to spend the rest of your life with HIM. But he may have what my FI has.. the lazy flu… Goodluck girl!
Post # 8
A lot of guys just like putting stuff off. And other than the beneficiary information, none of that stuff really HAS to get done right now, right? (And when you get married, don’t some states automatically change over the beneficiary to the new spouse?) A lot of married couples live with separate bank accounts– as long as your bills are getting paid, and you have joint financial goals you’re working towards, it doesn’t really matter how the accounts are structured, right?
Maybe he’s afraid of losing financial independence and freedom. Maybe you could explain to him how exactly you’d like to set it up (with numbers), and show him that while you would like a joint checking account (for shared bills) and joint savings account (for emergency fund/vacation fund/etc), you will still be able to keep your personal accounts, to control as you’d like.
Post # 9
at my job, you have to notify them when you are married…which I did…we didn’t change insurance then, so we are doing open enrollment now…I’ve also asked my DH to help me review my plans, but he doesn’t see it as a big deal either…sometimes he just doesn’t plan well, so I have to sit him down w/ the screen loaded and say “we are doing this right now; it is due tomorrow”
It sounds mommy-ish, but he doesn’t always think through the consequences of his actions and admits he has a HORRIBLE memory when it comes to deadlines. That’s why he married me, a project manager, lol.
Post # 10
It sounds like your husband has the mistaken assumption that if he doesn’t add you to anything, you aren’t entitled to anything if you divorce. That’s not the case though…it doesn’t matter whose name it’s in..if you get a divorce and there wasn’t a pre-nup…everything is up for grabs.
Having said that…there are some things that probably need to ba taken care of sooner rather than later.
1. Your husband should definitely inform his job that he is now married b/c his pension plan (if his job has one) needs to know that info b/c in most states, a husband can’t exclude his spouse from pension.
2. Life insurance – If your husband is hesitant about changing the beneficiary on his existing policy, perhaps the two of you can get an additional policy that you will be the beneficiary of. This is one instance where the spouse can be left off and there isn’t much you can do about it. So you both want to make sure that the other is taken care of in case something should happen.
As for the bank account, he may not want a joint account and there is not much that you can do about that other than express your desire to have one and why it’s important to you. My FI is adding me to his main account after we are married but will have other accounts that will remain just in his name. I am fine with that and don’t view it as him being less of a husband…it’s just about personal preference.
As for the health insurance…just let your husband know that if he doesn’t want to combine insurance that you will enroll just yourself and he will be responsible for either enrolling in his company’s plan or doing without.
Post # 11
I would check the increase in premiums on your health insurance by going from a single plan to a family plan. Hubs and I have the exact same policy and its actually cheaper if we stay separate rather than do a family plan. We’ve been married just under a month and haven’t combined anything yet, altho we were already beneficiaries on each others life insurance, have one joint account, and already have our bills figured out since we’ve been living together for quite some time.
i agree, most guys don’t see the urgency with a lot of this stuff so you probably just need to sit him down and make him do it