Post # 1
So I have spent the morning reading through some posts on here and see that there is some wonderful advice given. I am a 24 yo and my fiance is 40. We have been together for 4 1/2 yrs. Yes the age gap is big but in our relationship it is not really a concern. I met him because he is my boss where I work. Our relationship started off well he would buy me flowers and was romantic, sex was great, he complimented me and made me feel loved. We had broken up a few times in the beggining (first year that we were together) but then decided that we were in love and we couldn’t keep hurting other people so we decided to move in together. After a while the relationship started to go down hill. He showed little to no affection towards me and I didn’t feel loved so after about a year and a half I left him to try things with my ex again. I was packing my stuff and what not and he begged me to stay. He told me he would let down his walls and let me in which would result in the affection that I long for. So I stayed. Well He also has 3 teenage daughters that he has had full custody of for three years now ages 16, 18, 20. After a while I started talking marriage and children, which I had made it clear from the beginning I wanted. He wouldn’t commit to me. He wouldn’t even let me help him with bills for his house even though I lived with him mind you I only made a little less than he did. Things weren’t getting better and I had talked to him time and time again about affection and love and sex he always said he would try if I tried building a better relationship with his youngest daughter cooked more and cleaned more and quit drinking. I did all of the above even though his daughter didn’t like me and was always so disrespectful, she wouldn’t pick up after her self if I asked her too she would through a fit call me a bitch tell me to get out of her house I would talk to my FI about this and he wouldn’t do anything. She then started purposely leaving stuff around and ignored me constantly would give me dirty looks and you name it she did it. I finally stopped trying to be her friend, I would take her places buy her stuff let her drive my car (with her permit) but anytime I would say something to her that she didn’t like she would tell me to get out of her fucking house and call me a crazy bitch and what not. So I stopped doing nice things for her, obviously if she needed something I would do it. Well anyway I built on that relationship didn’t drink alcohol for five months cooked nightly and cleaned daily on top of my full time job. Well he still wasn’t giving it 100% so this June I had had enough and left. I asked him if he could honestly say he tried as hard ass he could and he said yes so I just left. Well about four days after he asked if we could spend the day together and I said okay well low and behold he proposed and told me that he would lovwe me the way I deserved not let his daughter treat me like that would get married and have kids and wanted to combine finances. Well I am a sucker for him and have always loved him more than he loved me and he just promised me everything that I wanted. He told me actions speak louder than words and that he would show me. I agreed to marry him. Everything was fine for the first month I felt so loved and his daughter and I were sort of getting along and he would tell me I was beautiful and then it just stopped again. His daughter treats me like shit and he will do nothing about it. He isn’t working on his issue with afection anymore and heis pulling away again. I feel like I have vested so much in this relationship to just walk awway but now I am scared. Is this a lost cause or is there a fighting chance. Do I want to chance being with someone the rest of my life and not feel loved? We are supposed to get married tthis coming June our venue is all picked out with a deposit, I am half way done with invitations and I have other things lined up as well, what do you think that I should do. Any advice would be helpful thanks.
Post # 3
Ouch! First of all a huge HUG for going through this shitty situation. Having just come out of an abusive relationship, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. This man is like a fishbone stuck in your throat – you can’t swallow him nor spit him out.
Although a proper diagnosis can only be done by a specialist, your man shows definite narcissistic trends. There are some tell-tale signs present in your relationship – at first it is too good to be true, then the moment he comes emotionally close to you he needs to extricate himself from you. And that is where the discard and devaluing starts. Most likely he has a fragile self-image and therefore needs an ego supply from somewhere. Right now, you are providing it. He put you in a cage and forgot all about you until you made attempts to escape the cage.
The first thing you must remember is, his affection should be unconditional – not incumbent upon events like you cooking, cleaning, forging a relationship with his daughter etc. He is only using you – he loves the fact that you are there to jump through the hoops for him and it gives him a narcissistic high. Unfortunately, even his daughter is showing signs of this disease.
Advice to you? If possible ask his ex-wife about him and the reasons for their divorce. These men have emotional patterns that never change. Is he obsessed with his rank and status? Appearance and clothes? Likes to talk only about him? Gets bored when you try to talk about yourself?
Whether you should stay or go is entirely your decision. But if this man really is a narcissist then don’t expect any love, support or empathy on his part. These men cannot empathize with others because they do not feel real emotions like you and me. They only pretend to have emotions based on what they see around them. Also, the moment everything starts going well for you, he will start treating you like trash. He hates himself, and he hates you for loving him.
If you can deal with all this for the rest of your life then stay by all means. But lower your expectations. In fact, with these men, it is best if you don’t have any expectations at all.
Post # 4
@happy4me: It sounds like he wants all the perks of being with someone his daughter’s age, but won’t commit.
I think you should get out. There are red flags all over the place. He doesn’t stand up for you, he doesn’t look like he wants to commit, he isn’t that affectionate… it just sounds like he has baggage that he isn’t trying to deal with.
Post # 5
I think this is a case of “when people show you who they are-believe them”.
For the majority of your relationship he has not given you what you want and need, despite the fact that you have clearly communicated it to him. He only gives you what you ask for when he has to ie: you are going to leave.
The guy who doesn’t show affection, etc that he is 99% of the time…is who he is. You need to ask yourself if that is something you can live with, or not. And if the answer is no, then there is your answer to whether you should stay or not.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You’re 24, he’s 40 and he’s your boss plus he’s a dick. What more do you need to know? Staying means you are approving of the situation you are in which is s#itty to say the least. Of course, he’s romantic when you say you’re going to leave, what 40 year old wouldn’t want a hot 24 year to parade around?
My advice is to find another job pronto and leave this guy ASAP. You are 24 and trust me there are plenty of guys closer to you own age that will love you for who you are and not have as much baggage as this guy obviously has. And don’t go to your other ex again. Be independent, it’s sexy and good men find independent women attractive.
I dated older men my entire life (one was 13 years older and I married a guy 8 years older who had a kid.) An age gap is not always important but you met when you were approximately 20 and he was a 36 year old divorcee with three kids. You never really got a chance to experience being a 20 year old with the fun and carefree lifestyle that goes with it because you’ve been at home playing house with daddy and his kids. I hate to break it to you but don’t think for a second that the moment you start looking older and/or his kids finally get out of the house that he won’t be looking for someone even younger who will put up with his crap without questioning it.
Post # 7
Go go go go go go go! This has so many red flags even without getting into the whole age difference and boss/employee thing. He has been given too many chances and he has wasted them all. Do not waste you time with someone who cannot give you what you need. My sister is in a largely affectionless marriage for 14 years now. They love each other in their own weird way, but she is unhappy and they are too codependent to end it. It sounds like he may not be up for having kids either and if you want kids now, you’ll only want them more when you get older. I think it’s beyond selfish to not be honest with you so you can make an informed decision about the rest of your life.
The rest of your life!! He has shown you what that would look like. Do you want that?? Affection will never come naturally to him and for him to put conditions on giving it to make you cook nightly etc is absurd. I hope you’ll realize just how absurd when you find a true partner. I would leave for good if I were you and move on. You are still young. And try being with someone completely new. Not your ex, and certainly not this guy. Who cares about deposits and invites when your future happiness is at stake. Sorry for being so black and white with this but it just sounds like bad news.
Post # 8
I don’t see a problem with the age difference, but I do see a very big problem with the employer/employee angle. He’s only ever known you as a subordinate. He’s never seen you as an equal, and it shows in how he treats you and how he lets his kid treat you. I would never have gotten into this relationship in the first place, but now that you’re in it, I think you need to get out of it. Once someone sees you as having a lesser “status” than they do, it’s extremely hard to change that perception, and if he’s not seen you as an equal after 4 1/2 years, chances are, he’s not going to magically start doing that.
Post # 9
@fishbone: Nailed it! Agree with you a 100%
Post # 10
I see major red flags here. First, you have been unhappy enough to leave more than once. Second, his willingness to work on things seems contingent on you giving him what he wants/needs but he’s not doing the same. Third, he allows his daughter to treat you with disrespect. She’s her own person and will ultimately do what she wants, but I see it as HIM disrepecting you to allow her to behave that way without consequences.
I think if you really want a long term future with this person, and his children, couples and family counselling is necessary to work out some of these issues.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@beachbride1216: ” You’re 24, he’s 40 and he’s your boss plus he’s a dick. What more do you need to know? “
YES! The first two things are definitely red flags but sometimes love conquers age and power differences. BUT, he’s also a dick to you! I can’t think of any good reason for you to stay in this relationship. True love should not be this unpleasant and hard.
Get out while you’re not legally bound to this asshole! You’re still so young – you will find someone who respects you and treats you like a princess.
Post # 12
He will never change. You should get out while you can, before you are married and have combined finances. My ex husband and I were together for 15 years and everything was combined and in both of our names. What a mess that was to split everything out. Go find someone how appreciates you and respects you. In a relationship/marriage both partners should put forth 100% and it doesn’t sound like that’s happening in your case.
Post # 13
i got less than halfway into this post before i decided on the “go” option. this is way too much drama and stress in your life & doesn’t seem worth it
Post # 14
The daughter won’t respect you until he does. This man sounds like he has deep personality issues. He is perfect on the surface but there is no deeper character. I would leave and find someone who can have a real committed and loving relationship.
Post # 15
I see alot of people bashing the age difference, honestly I dont think thats the problem here. He just sounds like hes a dick, stuck in the mentatlity that he is your superior and you do things for him and he doesnt have to do anything back, even after you tried to leave. I agree with Aquababes ask his ex, cus men wont change and will fallow patterns. He hasnt treated you fairly so far and I doubt it will happen..Im sorry hun but if you want to live a happy life id suggest getting out and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated all the time. Not just when he has to, good luck <3
Post # 16
trust me, he will never change. his emotional and romantic behaviour sounds like my ex. i spent wasted 8 years hoping he would change. he only gave me the attention i wanted and needed when i threatened to break it off and then it only lasted a day or so.
they don’t change.
if he is not exactly what you are looking for; exactly what you want; exactly what you need; exactly what you deserve, get out. stop pretending and wasting your time. trust me, you will be so much happier when you find the right man.