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I'm venting on behalf of my Future Sister In Law. I was on the phone with her for the past hour and need to share the jist of the conversation. Some background...My Future Sister In Law is 34, married, has three small children, and works part-time as a nurse. She and her husband live a comfortable life and provide the best they can for their family. They are not poor and they are not rich.
MY FSIL is in two weddings this year, ours and her best friend of twenty-five years. When she accepted her best friends invitation to be a bridesmaid, her brother and I were not yet engaged. Not that that would have changed her mind. However, since she has been married for ten years, I don't think my FSIL is aware of the costs associated with today's weddings, especially showers. She thought $200 for the bff's shower would have been asequate for a brunch at a nice restaurant (the restaurant her brother and I are actually getting married at). How silly of her! Apparently FSIL was WAY off base.
Do you know how much the maid of honor (sister of the bride, who is her late 30s, and pretty well off) is asking per bridesmaid? Are you ready for this? Are you sure? OK, she is asking $525 per bridesmaid for a brunch package. There are 5 bridesmaids. And this brunch package does not include soda, iced tea, lemonade, or alcohol. That is extra. And no that does not include a gift from the bridesmaids. That's another $100 per bridesmaid. So $625 for the bridal shower.
The MOH has so graciously offered to pay for the letterpressed invitations. And another bridesmaid has so generously offered to pay for the centerpieces. The Mother of the Bride is picking up the tab for favors, a mimosa fountain and the soda package. I ask you bees, when did showers become so elaborate? Or are yours not as ridiculous?
Clearly my FSIL emailed the MOH back and said she cannot afford to spend that much money on a shower. We are anxiously awaiting the MOH's response. We can only imagine what she'll say.
What DOES it include? And for how many people? It kinda sounds like a rip-off. If you can't afford something you can't afford it. She has three kids. Priorities.
Wow...
In some circles, I am sure that is just a drop in the bucket, but for me, it would be way to much to spend. My girls are taking me out for dinner, drinks, and maybe some dancing. I am sure it won't cost near as much as your friends. I just think that is way to much to ask.
That is simply beyond the pale. I don't know how people think it's acceptable to demand that from a bridesmaid. Hell, I think it's rude to demand ANY kind of shower, much less one that costs hundreds per bridesmaid. That's crazycakes right there.
WOW! That's craziness. What kind of brunch is THAT going to be? Will there be gold speckles in the mimosas?
Im already stressed about having my girls pay for dresses and the normal wedding expenses...i cant imagine asking or being asked to spend that much. that is absolutely ridiculous.
Seriously. Some people think they need showers and weddings that could be taking place at Versailles.
Um, my rehearsal dinner at a swanky sushi restaurant in the most expensive neighborhood in San Diego - WITH OPEN BAR - cost $2500 for 36 people. There is no way a brunch should be costing the same amount without drinks included. I'd have to back out if I were her, if only because I think it's out of control.
(Oh, and my shower was a dessert extravaganza at a fancy dessert place in Boston with my 7 closest friends that set my SIL back a whopping $175....total. That's much easier to stomach for me!)
That's insane!!
My mom and MIL graciously picked up the entire tab for the bridal shower (the maids did the bachelorette) - but it was only a luncheon at my MIL's house. Sandwiches, potato salad, and jello shots kind of thing.
I hope that bride is planning a super elaborate wedding - can you imagine your shower being fancier than the wedding? Eesh.
IMO this is so ridiculous to spend that much money on. I would think there are more important things people and myself could spend that money on. And for someone to actually think people have that kind of money to just throw around is so self centered and spoiled.
What happened to just getting together with close friends and family to have a fun shower? I mean Jesus I am not in my 30se so its not like I have been going to showers for that long but within the past 10 years I have noticed a change in how these kind of events are planned.
meh.
What happened to the day of showers at someones house with food drinks and lame games? Personally I don't even want a shower I find them completely pointless
I know my FSIL will be happy to hear that there are some level headed people out there. I would like to state for the record that the Bride to Be is not demanding anything and probably has no idea how much this is costing.
As far as what the brunch includes, IMO it is a rip-off. OJ, Assorted bagels, muffins, danish, a fresh fruit display, scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, french toast, roasted potatoes, a chicken entree, salad, pasta, and silver dollar pancakes. The cost is $37 per head, with a 50 guest minimum.
Yes, everyone has different financial circumstances. For some $625 for a bridal shower is a drop in the hat. For others, it's an unreasonable amount. The complaint FSIL has is that the MOH never once aske for input from the Bridesmaids. Never got a budget. She just assumed that everyone would be OK with this.
And on top of the shower, she is also planning a blow out bachelorette party at one of the swankiest restaurants in Philadelphia, which should most likely cost around $400 per bridesmaid. If this does come about, FSIL is saying she can't go and will take the Bride to Be out by herself.
Sorry ladies, I'm all fired up tonight. I've just dealt with too many ridiculous people this weekend.
I'm organizing my friend's shower, and I always thought they were just held in someone's home with cutesy decorations and sandwiches. After I offered to host it, her MOH told me they have an absolutely huge family so the guestlist will be large and then she asked me where I was holding it. I'm thinking it's going to be a lot more expensive than I was planning, too :(.
But what your FSIL is up against is just absurd!
Safe to say I wouldn't be attending that shower. So expensive!
Yeah...that's way too much money. I am a 35 year old woman on makes a better than comfortable living and I would tell that MOH hell to the no. Just b/c I make it...doesn't mean I want to spend it on that nonsense. At the rate these events are going, your SIL will have spent about 2500 - 3K by the time the wedding is said and done.
Wow that is an insane amount just for a shower! I really don't know how anyone can really think of doing something that extravagant (IMO) without discussing as a group what is feasible for everyone.
That is totally insane. And I felt guilty for teling my bff I couldn't be a bridesmaid if she was going to have a cruise wedding due to the cost! I can't imagine what I would say (besides an obvious NO!) if I was expected by the MOH to pay that much for a SHOWER.
And...letterpressed invites, centerpieces, etc just for a shower? Why don't they bring in minister/officiant and the groom and just make if official then and there? Crazy.
Seriously though is it just me, or has anyone else noticed a drastic change in the entire wedding industry with inthe past few years?
That is insane!!! The bride should stop this! I hated people spending money on me when I was getting married. I would say "NO" if I was your FSIL.
@JamaicaBride: Dumb moment but I seriously can't tell if you are agreeing with me or not, lol. My brain has clocked out for the night ;)
@Miss. Meeps: agreed. the past ten years everything has changed dramatically. i am in my 30s, early but still, so i've been around the wedding circuit for a little while. i love weddings. i love planning my wedding. i have loved being in my friends weddings. but the expectations on all accounts have changed dramatically. where will it stop?
That is a crazy cost! Perhaps it would be better for her to pull out now? Who knows how much everything else is going to cost, shoes, hair and makeup, present for: shower, bachelorette and wedding, dress, travel, shower and bachelorette...
Sounds like the brunch is an absolute rip off to me.
I’m so sorry that she is experiencing this. If the bride doesn’t know, perhaps she could find a way to mention it?
I think that is absolutely ridiculous, but unfortunately it doesn't surprise me. I've never had that experience, but I have heard some horror stories from my friends that have been bridesmaids and have been expected to shell over $300 each for a bridal shower. That is just insane to me, and I can't understand how any bride would be ok expecting their BMs to pay that much! My bridal shower will be at one of my BM's house with cheapo catering. Even if they wanted to do something fancier, I would feel really uncomfortable having my friends spend that much, especially with all of the other costs bridesmaids incur. I would be pretty fired up too if I was your FSIL!
If I were the bridesmaid I would just tell the MOH that I couldn't afford to participate and that it was unfortunate that she hadn't consulted the bridesmaids before she made these plans.
If invitations had not been sent, I would ask her to reconsider her plans.
Otherwise , I would send a gift and my regrets.
@mshoagie: OH.MY.GOSH - THAT is a ridiculous amount to ask for a bridal shower. I mean, I understand pitching in to help with the shower as much as you can, but that price tag is a little *gulp* high.
@babydollgirl: That's what my shower was! :-) We had close friends and family at my best friends house, just food and drinks, games and gifts and I was overwhelmed!
OH! And yes--I think it's ridiculous to expect that! Totally ridiculous. When I was in weddings the bridesmaids and I would talk about a "budget" and what we could all afford--TOGETHER. :-/
Yeah, that's definitely crazy to expect that people can pony up that much money.
I had the "party at someone's house with cutesy decorations and lame games" that someone referenced above, and it was great!
My aunt actually paid for it, and hosted it at her house. I think one of my bridesmaids brought a plate of cookies, and they gave me very nice gifts, but contribution to the actual party was minimal.
wow thats crazy... i think my shower in total may cost $600 for 60 people maybe a little more but my grandma and mom are to thank for every penny and im thankful
i couldnt afford that amount, id prob step down as a BM if she didnt understand. i have only been upset that FI mother keeps saying shes paying for things she even wrote me a $500 cheq for hall then told me to hold depsiting the chq. and since has said that one day she will go with my and pay some remaining deposits.
ive heard this for 5 months, im not counting on it. and really whatever it is what it is!
now people have to really think about BM if you have ten of them just to have a huge BP then expect all these expences isnt fair.
personally i hold myself responsible for my sister's future wedding only as a big wedding contribution. any friends well ill do my best but thats all. i wont go broke watch "till debt do us part" lol gail will give it to your FSIL MOH
I'm on the rant bandwagon right there with you! How dare the MOH plan this extravagant shower and then just send a bill to the bridesmaids!!! That's insane. Why can't people understand that if they want others to contribute money, those people must first be consulted about their budget?!?!
I never understood why bridesmaids were expected to pay for showers. In our family the parents or a close family member throw them (even though it's against etiquette). Crazy.
.. And even if you expect your bridesmaids to (or they want to!) they should do what they can afford. Small lunch at someones house, etc..
i read letter pressed invites and centerpieces and then had to double you were talking about the shower and not the wedding!!
my shower was at my parents house. we played games. I baked a lasagna and bought favors. my sister and my mom went to Costco to get all kinds of other food. my sis (MOH) also got some friends to bake a few goodies. my mom also got decorations at the dollar store......and i felt guilty they all spent so much money on me!
i guess it is social circle, but if everyone is NOT in that social circle, you have to work with everyone included.
i went to a fancy brunch shower once and knowing this family, it was the family that paid it all, i can't see them asking that much of the brides's friends, BMs or not. of course this is speculation, but i would bet money on it. loll.
Cooler heads prevailed this morning and the MOH is throwing in extra, so my FSIL can give what she can afford.
I was a BM in my cousin's wedding last October and I paid $450 towards the shower (there were 7 BMs including MOH). It was a brunch shower in Boston like the one you described. There were 100 people there. In my family, every female that is invited to the wedding is also invited to the shower. Since I was literally the only out of town guest, all of the women going to the wedding went to the shower. Every wedding shower I've been to has been like this, so I wasn't surprised that the MOH planned this type of shower. I guess it's just expected in my family. That being said, when I get married, I'm going to encourage my BMs to do something more low-key because it's just unnecessary IMO.
Uhhhhh that's nuts. I had two showers. Both were held in a family member's house. We ordered sandwich platters from a local grocery store, had a couple bottles of wine, and some homemade desserts. If someone from my family spend $3k+ on a shower I would be PISSED! It's not a mini-wedding, it's a shower. That's completely inappropriate at ask people to contribute that much money.
I'm glad she is not being pressured to put in more than she can afford. That is a ton of money to ask for a bridal shower and if she can't afford it, she can't afford it. Even if she could afford it, it seems odd to ask for that much out of five women.
I threw a bridal shower for my sister-in-law last July and our cost- TOTAL COST- did not exceed $500. And that was a bridal shower for 50 people complete with rolls, salad with chicken, punch, spiked punch, coffee, tea, water, cupcakes, flowers, centerpieces, colored linens, balloons, favors, etc. In order to keep costs down we just had to be creative- we picked a venue that a friend worked at / could cut us a deal with, I spent hours and hours arranging the flowers (purchased through costco's floral department) and baking 60 cupcakes, 60 sugar cookies for favors. Myself, my aunt, my mom, my uncle, and two cousins all woke up at the crack of dawn one saturday morning to do all the work- meaning we avoided paying any other labor costs. It was a family event and I must admit- kind of fun.
We would have thrown the shower at our home if we had the space for 50 people- that's the way showers used to be. People getting together celebrating the bride's happiness.
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