Somehow I'm becoming more realistic…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Have you talked about or set a timeline with your SO?
    No we have not talked about setting a timeline : (7 votes)
    16 %
    We have talked about it, but have not set one : (7 votes)
    16 %
    We have talked about it, and set a "ball-park-timeline" : (22 votes)
    51 %
    We have set a rigid timeline TOGETHER : (7 votes)
    16 %
    I have given my SO an ultimatum : (0 votes)
    Other: explain in comments please! : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    451 posts
    Helper bee

    We set a ballpark timeline of 6 months but here at the 3 month mark I believe it’ll happen in the next few weeks. We’ve been together a little less than 2 years but are 40 and 38 so we don’t have age issues (but he was a little gun shy as you say! Ha!). 

    So glad you can talk about these things with your SO. But the terms can be renegotiated if you start to feel uncomfortable about the situation. You may choose to bring it up at 23 or 26. A timeline to agree to talk can be modified if it needs to be. 

    Post # 4
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I can totally relate! Both our anniversary and my birthday are in March which stretches out the “holiday season” for us and I can’t help but feel a little hopeful when this time rolls around each year…  It’s hard to be patient and understanding when it seems so many friends and acquaintences “IRL” are taking the next step and DBF and I are still just “dating”. I’ve had a few embarassing emotional breakdowns to my SO over the past year or two about not being engaged and we’ve had a few mature conversations about the course of our relationship. We know we want to be together forever but we haven’t set a timeline yet. Somehow a bunch of my friends and acquaintences my age are engaged or married but very few of his are, so I think he still thinks at 23 we’re “too young” despite being together for close to 5 years and living together for 7 months. I’ve decided to try to hold off on the timeline talk until after our 5th anniversary and my 24th birthday in March and enjoy our first holiday season living together instead of dwelling on the fact that we’re not engaged. I only came across the bee a little over a week ago but already I also feel a little more calm and relaxed about my situation reading stories such as yours from bees in the same boat I am! From one bee to another, stay strong this holiday season and enjoy the relationship you have with your SO 🙂

    Post # 5
    1666 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    @peachykeener:  My FI and I did talk about timelines quite a bit before getting engaged last month. We started dating at 19 and have been together for 6 years, so waiting got a bit old after a while.

    What helped was knowing that he wouldn’t propose before we both finished our degrees and he was a CPA (Certified Public Accountant) – those were major life goals that we both needed to focus on, so I completely understood. Those had been accomplished by summer of 2011.

    What made it tougher was when he told me, a year ago, that he wanted to propose in January of 2013. . . and then life happened and a proposal didn’t; long story short – there was a surprise business trip for him, he had no clue how to buy a ring, and everything going on between work and his personal life was causing him major stress. So we agreed that he would propose after we had a place to live, which happened in August when he closed on the condo- and I agreed to help him figure out the ring situation because he really had no idea what he was doing.

    I won’t lie, I had trouble dealing with the waiting and timeline changes. I went through waves just like you are where things would be really rough and then I’d be more calm. I think a lot of women who are waiting for that step experience the same thing.

    The good thing about your post is that you’re having conversations where you’re both able to share your feelings on the topic. That is a very good and healthy thing for your relationship. Just remember that the timeline can be changed if either of you feel uncomfortable with the current agreement. Smile

    Post # 6
    2052 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @peachykeener:  I can relate to this as well.  I voted ‘SO and I have talked and set a ballpark timeline’.

    I’ve become realistic, which I had once confused with bitterness and resentment (oops, and if this is YOU, please don’t bee that bee Embarassed), but the truth is that an engagement just isn’t in our future anytime soon.  That’s okay, doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen, but it does mean that I’ve had to accept that no matter how badly I want to get married it’s time to move on and focus on other things that make me happy.  Being married is a nice way to have your relationship grow, but it really isn’t everything.

    Great post!

    Post # 7
    406 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I think it’s very good that you’re able to sort through all of those feelings and come up with what you feel is realistic. For what it’s worth, I’m a couple of weeks from turning 25, and I know for sure I won’t be engaged by then. But I’m completely okay with it because I know what is realistic for me and SO. I brought up the idea of timelines once but only to say that I didn’t expect him to give me a firm deadline. It really just depends on finances rather than any sense of being gun-shy, so it’s as much of a waiting game for him as it is for me.

    I’m so glad that the Bee has helped you! It’s definitely helped me with such a supportive community of like-minded ladies. 🙂

    Post # 8
    3088 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I swear I woke up one day with engagement fever, completely out of the blue. My SO set a timeline that we wanted to get married after I graduate with my Master’s in 2016, and I have expressed I want a “longer” engagement (preferably about 2 years) so that we can take our time saving and planning, so that an engagement would need to come before fall 2016.

    I think it is coming much sooner (maybe around February? He mentioned possibly before a trip I’m taking in March to see my sisters…). The Bee has completely helped calm my nerves and snap me into perspective if I needed it. 

    Having the chat with my SO, however, was more than helpful. It put us both at ease and there was no pressure…however, if we get into August/September 2014 with no proposal I’m probably going to turn back into that heinous engagement she-beast. 

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