Post # 1
I’m a paranoid person by nature. I’m that person who always thinks people are mad at me, people are talking about me, or they don’t really like me. I know that I’m generally being silly but I just can’t help it.
I have 2 close friends that I want to ask to be BM’s and I am terrified they’ll say no (realistically, I know that they probably won’t but I can’t help worry).
Has anyone asked someone and have them decline? What was the reason? How did you deal with it?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I say no because I don’t want the added expense or stress. I would rather enjoy a wedding as a guest. It has nothing to do with the bride at all.
Post # 4
I know someone who declined a 90s wedding because of her weight. I’m not sure if it was because back then, they charged extra when they needed more fabric for dresses or becaue she was embarrassed about her size.
Post # 5
It could be finances, or the stress, or they may have something else going on. However if the bride & groom pay for the attire etc (or it is calculated in the budget) then it is more likely the stress to be the factor.
Post # 6
I know that for these girls the finances aren’t an issue and I also don’t really expect anything from them except to buy a dress that they choose (in a colour I choose) and show up and be happy for me. Like I said, I haven’t asked yet as we’re still more than a year away, but I want to ask soon (mostly because I’m completely impatient).
Post # 7
I had a friend back out later on and didn’t really give a reason. I know she had a lot of stress going on in her life and wasn’t comfortable standing up and gaining attention at the time. I didn’t ask for a reason when she said no and frankly, I don’t think it even crossed my mind. I just said ok and she still showed up as a guest and had a great time. Sometimes these things happen and I think some ladies on here go completely overboard and overthink the reasons why people say no or back out of weddings. Some people just don’t want to do it.
Post # 8
I made a thread about this the other day and never got around to giving the board an update: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/was-anyone-nervous-to-ask-their-bridesmaids#axzz2Rhnkld8N
Long story short, I asked…and she didn’t say yes. She didn’t say no either, but she just gave a vague noncomittal “it’s so nice of you to ask me; I’ll have to see if I can make it. Umm, if I can make it, sure I’ll do it.” It kinda stung and I felt stupid for asking. Actually, she kinda acted like we had never discussed it before (in fairness it was about 3 months ago, so she could’ve forgotten). In general I have a straight-up phobia of rejection (that’s why I became an overachiever, so I’d rarely have to ask people–including my overachieving relatives– for stuff) and these types of situations are exactly why. It sucked a little at first, but I’m not like devastated the way I thought I would be.
It’s still possible she could call me next week and say “I thought it over and I’ll do it,” but in order to move on, I’ve already put it out of my mind. It would make me too sad/anxious to keep wondering everyday whether she’s made up her mind (and to be honest time is getting short so i’ll actually affirmatively take the offer off the table, if needed. I’m just proceeding with plans with my one attendant and she is absolutely AWESOME (except she insists on buying her dress at a yardsale…different thread, lol). Bearing in mind that I’m very sensitive to rejection/abandonment with regard to my wedding I believe her reasons for not saying yes were: (1) family responsibilities (2) associated costs (3) inconvenience of travel. Interestingly, before asking, I was slightly worried that she doesn’t consider me as good a friend as I consider her. I don’t think that’s even a factor here. But as a PP said: sometimes…they just don’t want to.
Post # 9
I’ve declined once. I couldn’t afford travel expenses + dress expenses and the bride was not content on helping out. So, I politely declined and sent a card. No hard feelngs, but expenses prevented me from becoming her bridesmaid.
Post # 10
@Overjoyed: you sound so much like me 🙂
The girl I’m most ‘worried’ about and I have spoken about it before, I told her several years ago she’d be my Bridesmaid or Best Man when the time comes. We’ve been friends for 18+ years and have one of those friendships where we won’t see each other or talk for a year for one reason or another and then we get together and pick up like we saw each other yesterday. When I called her to tell her I’m engaged she knew before I had the words out of my mouth (and seeing as she was the first person I called after family I know no one told her). The chances of her saying no are pretty slim, I’m just paranoid 🙂
Post # 11
I turned down once because a) she felt like she had to ask -family obligation, so I knew it wasnt sincere b) she would have been a mega bitch. Im not going to be fake and then pay for the privilage to particpate in that hot ass mess.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
@MsGinkgo: If I can give you any advice from experience I would say wait a little before asking people to be bridesmaids. I, like you was so anxious to ask my bridesmaids and was sure they weren’t going to change.
Well, the two of the bridesmaids who I originally chose have just been waiting around for me to do something. Because, unless you plan to go dress shopping asap you got other things to concentrate on first eg. venue, colour scheme, what type of day you want
One of the girls I originally asked, we had been friends for like when I first started high school. Not only did we end up not being friends but I heard she had a baby and wouldnt have done it anyway.
I also asked Fiance sister (the wrong one) and Im still dealing with that.
Post # 13
If I were to decline it would probably be not because I was upset with the bride, but because I didn’t feel like I could afford the time/money expense or be helpful enough. Last thing I’d want is to cause someone more stress on their wedding day and if I didn’t think I could be a good, handy, stress-free bridesmaid I wouldn’t want to be one at all.
I mean, sure, if I secretly disliked the person I’d also say no but that seems like such an unlikely situation.
Nobody declined for me but I asked people who I know support me so I’d know that if they had to decline it wouldn’t be personal.
Post # 14
I didn’t have anyone decline, but my husband had two men back out two months before the wedding. One was unable to come to the wedding at all because he has a lot of stuff going on in his life (divorce, work issues, etc) and that was easy to understand. The other said he couldn’t be a groomsman or even come to the wedding at all due to finances, but wouldn’t let us pay for him… then went to the (expensive) vegas bachelor party, came to the wedding and stayed in a very expensive hotel, and started planning a vacation for next year with me and my husband. So… I don’t think expenses were really the issue and thought it was a dick move for him to not say what the issue really was. It’s not like it was a time committment issue either because he was there at all the events the groomsmen went to, including the rehearsal dinner. Dunno. It will probably remain a mystery.
Post # 15
@MsGinkgo: i had a cousin that declined because she just got in to a law school on the other side of the country. i was/am understanding and asked my, going to be, sister in law. she gladely accepted.
Post # 16
I declined to be a bridesmaid for my SIL because I felt thay she was asking me out of obligation. She was quite upset because I was a bit blunt by saying “I’m going to have to politely decline.” But in my defence, she asked me to be her bridesmaid at my cousins engagement party WHILE they were doing speeches, so I thought that was inappropriate too. Her and my brother didn’t actually speak to me for 6 weeks or so, which was hard because my brother and I are very close. BUT I ended up being in the wedding as one of our nieces was only 6 months old and a flower girl and needed someone to walk her down the aisle.
@MsGinkgo: have some confidence in your friendship with these ladies though and ask! 🙂 best of luck.