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I'm a bit of a control freak, so I would totally want some input into where the rehearsal dinner takes place.
Traditionally it is the groom's family that makes the decisions on that one. They are the hosts, they are paying for it. It IS the only thing they do get say on.
it's a reflection on me and my wedding since my bridal party and their significant others are the guests! FI got really touchy about it and urged me just to let it go but I really feel it's my right to be invovled
i wouldnt say you are being a bridezilla but i also feel that his inlaws should be allowed to pick a place and as long as it isnt a nearby bikies drug den then you dont have the "right" to be involved
as far as his family making things stressful for you, you changed the date so maybe they were stressed as well? if there were other events or plans that meant someone wasnt able to be a BM or attend a shower then accept that and try not to be bitter about it
you have already spoken to your FI and he asked you to let it go so there is your answer. goodluck!
While she is paying for it, thats very rude to exclude your input completely....Yes she is hosting it, but its being hosting FOR you and your FH. She should at least run things by you..like you said, just because your parents paid for the wedding doesn't mean they make all the decisions and leave you out! Sorry you are having to deal with the stress:(
I think it's reasonable for you to be consulted but it seems she's sees things differently. She is being a bitch and I think the best thing is to let her organise it all and don't say anything more about it (including not overly thanking her again for hosting it).
Your FMIL should probably ask your input, but it is aka the "Grooms Dinner" for a reason. It's for the groom's family to throw for you. It's great if she asks for your input, but otherwise, don't worry about it.
Also, you had good reason to push the wedding back. That said, your FSIL may have a really busy spring coming up and feel she won't be able to give you the attention you're due (my MOH is in three weddings this spring! If her FSIL were to ask her to add another, she'd probably say "no" too, its a lot to be a bridesmaid, and expensive!) Your FMIL may really have been busy the day of the re-scheduled shower. If you really wanted her there, you should have had your shower hostess consult her on the date. If she was consulted and she skipped it anyway, then whatever. She sucks. :) Finally, you probably shouldn't have rescheduled your wedding within 6 weeks of another family member's. So your FAIN gets to be a little perturbed. (But she needs to get over it.)
Weddings are really stressful for a lot of people and planning and coordination gets really difficult. Unfortunately, no one really understands that until they're planning their own wedding. This drama will seem like nothing, just don't let it get under your skin. I know it's hard to relinquish control, but sometimes you just have to. (I tell myself this at least 50 times a day, as I have a really hard time doing it myself.)
Good luck! I hope your grandmother is recovering well and that your in-law situation calms down! If you want, you can check my "venting" post... My FSBIL and FBIL scheduled their weddings on days that my FI and I are already in weddings. Ugh.
It sounds like you can't win this one without major family drama. I know it totally sucks, but I can't see a solution that doesn't involve you just accepting it. We don't do rehearsals or rehearsal dinners here at all, and clearly it's just as well!
Try to turn this into a positive - you don't have to worry about this event at all, just turn up looking pretty.
Also, you can have it as leverage if she wants too much input on anything else - she gets this one thing.
Let it go. Normally the groom's side handles the dinner and all the details that come with it. I, like you, would rather have a say in it, so I don't think you are being unreasonable. But taking into consideration that his side of the family seems to feel stressed already due to the wedding being pushed back to a month that is "inconvenient" for them, I would just let it go. I think it's awful the way the reacted to your very valid reason to change the wedding date. It was for a reason beyond your control. Unfortunately that seems to have ruffled their feathers so just try to enjoy your dinner for what it is and let your MIL do what she wants for it.
I think technically you're right but realistically you need to let it go. For the sake of your own sanity and peaceful relations with your in laws let her plan the dinner, if they're not involved in the wedding planning this will be her only chance to do something wedding related.
Why don't you think of it as a surprise dinner? Let her organise everything and pay for it, you just need to show up and eat and drink and enjoy yourself. Also, you're going to be stressed out the week of the wedding so this is one less thing to worry about. Let it go...
On a side note, do you think your FMIL is feeling excluded from the wedding? Mothers are often much more emotionally involved than you realize and if she feels like she's not been involved in the planning perhaps she's reacting this way because her feelings are a little hurt. I'm not taking her side, just something I've seen happen in a few cases where mothers or MILs have acted weird.
To be honest. In my opinion, this is just me, the rehearsal dinner, to me is the perfect chance to thank everyone who is a part of your wedding for all their hardwork.
My In Laws offered many times to pay for the RD but we kept refusing. They were already helping us out on the wedding. We wanted to pay for it and have it be relaxed fun and one of those few times -for us- both family could get together and just be a family.
I know this is traditionally not the role of the RD but it was to us.
And with choosing a restaurant we asked everyone for their opinions. We picked a fusion place because there are picky eaters on both sides of our family.
So I do feel like even though they are hosting and paying it would be nice if they asked for your opinion.
I kinda agree with other posters that perhaps they are stressed as well and to give them the benefit of the doubt. Wedding planning is a stressful time for all. Not just the bride.
I actually asked a very similar ques about this on WB over a year ago, and got very different responses then you have recieved thus far.
I also thought it was strange that my in-laws planned the whole dinner w/o asking my opinion or involving me or my husband in the slightest. In fact, we learned where it was hosted through the RD invitations just like everyone else.
But, Bees made me realize that in reality, this is "their party" and since they are paying they don't have to ask your opinion on anything. It would be a nice gesture to include you, but it is not expected.
I think the larger issue at hand that should be addressed is your feelings that his family is upset with you. I think that would be a better place to start.
I think you need to let this one go!
They are throwing a party in your honour and so technically that means you don't get a say. It would be nice but they don't have to. The best way to deal with it is through your FI, who already told you to leave it so I suggest doing just that.
Look at it this way! You will have so much going on that week, this will be fun event that you just have to attend and not worry about!
My FMIL (who has no daughters) was REALLY, REALLY excited about being able to plan the rehearsal dinner. And, I'm pretty busy planning a wedding. So I ultimately let go of the entire rehearsal dinner...it just seems like an easy way to make her very happy, and having a FMIL is certainly worth a lot.
Just my 2 cents.
@Autumn Bride: I voted "yes its the grooms family deicsion" but its not really what i want to say.
I let my FMIL plan the whole thing..i just didnt care and she did. Its not really refelecting poorly on you if it should be something you wanted etc. yor bridal party knows your FMIL is planning it.
I would just let it go. Focus on the wedding and on your grandma. I know as the bride you want to know whats going on....but she ovioulsy wants to plan the whole thing and she is paying for it...so let it go :)
I think this is just one of those times where you need to pick your battles. Will you really end up somewhere horrible if YOU don't get to pick the venue? I bet things will go smoothly if you just leave it to you FMIL. At least she wants to be involved and is contributing in some way. My in-laws balked at us even asking them to make a reservation. I'd step back on this one and listen to your FI. Things will work out. She's not going to ruin things for her son afterall.
My FIL have offered to host the rehersal dinner for me and I did not offer any input. As they are hosting and paying for it, but they did ask if I had anything in mind I wanted to do. I did not want to possibly suggest anything that was more than what they wanted to pay or anything like that so I said I have no plans or ideas for it (which wasn't a lie etiher), and it was completely up to them. But then, I like my FILs so that probably helps and trust FMILs judgement.
The decision on where to have it I guess should ultimately be left to the groom's family beings they're hosting it, but you should atleast be in the loop on the details.
i'm confused....did you provide her with a list of places to have the rehearsal dinner? because if so, yes, i think you overstepped.
I'm a huge believer in choosing your battles. If your FI's parents want to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner, I'd just let them. At least it is one less thing to stress about, right?
@MissHelen: I totally agree!
My issue wouldn't be regarding the rehearsal dinner, but the way his family is treating you. Afterall, once you get married they will be in your life for a long, long time. The fact that they weren't understanding of your reason for postponing the wedding and being rude to you would be my problem, not the location of the rehearsal dinner. What does your FI say about the way his family treats you?
i would definitely be annoyed about this too, but would probably just let it go. in the grand scheme of things (wedding-wise) the rehearsal dinner was one of the least important things of that weekend. if it's terrible, you can laugh about how terrible it was later. and if it's wonderful, you can just sit back and enjoy it.
You are right. You do have the right, and she shouldn't be giving you a gift with stipulations. That being said, it seems like there is already enough fighting with that side of the family, and since it appears she will not be the bigger person-its best to let it go... I wouldn't say another word about it, to be honest. Anything you say will get blown out of context and as much as it may seem like it matters now, the rehearsal dinner is one night, but she will be your mother-in-law forever.
I do think your FH should be a little more supportive of you and how you feel, and should maybe talk to her. It would show her that you guys are partners, and that this is about you guys. Be careful if you do decide to see if he will talk to her, this could also blow up in your faces.
As far as the rest of his side of the family, maybe attempt a gesture, a white flag of sorts. Take them out for lunch or something nice? His sister, mother, aunt, (any other drama makers) and just act completely over any bitterness or anger. They may just decide to let it go.
Another thing is, if you don't bother your FMIL she may realize how much of tyrant she is being, and calm down about it.
Good luck and remember what's really important, don't let this stress you out.
I have to say this is the groom's family thing if they are paying for it.
I have two brothers and I watched my mother go through two weddings where she had little to no say in anything - No problem, she totally understood why. Lets just say that sons are not always the best at including their moms in wedding details. The one thing my mom (and dad) got to be fully involved with at both weddings was the rehearsal dinner. They got to add their family traditions and values into the mix and they loved it. I think it is a nice gesture to involve the bride and groom and tell them what they are considering for the rehearsal dinner but I also understand why that is not neccesary.
good luck! :)
I think you have every right to be annoyed. BUT it looks like things are going to be a little tricky if you don't have your FI's support. My MIL was very excited about planning the RD, but my hubs and I took the approach that with the wedding, my parents were paying for it but they didn't make all of the decisions. Same went for the RD- his parents were paying for it but they didn't make all of the decisions. I did choose my battles- I discussed my thoughts about the decor when she brought it up, but left it to her to execute. My husband and her actually did some of it on their own- it gave them a chance to bond. And I went with them and looked at decorations and accent pieces, etc. My FI's family wanted to do a slideshow for us (which I had been planning on doing myself as a tribute to our families and REALLY wanted to do), so I let them do it. And in the end, it was a blessing because it turned out fine and I didn't have to stress about it. My husband and I were involved in the tasting for our rehearsal dinner- we had a tasting because it was a pretty big event, held at the same resort as our wedding- and we planned the menu. We also picked out the invites, but asked his parents what they wanted to put on them. We basically worked with his parents, but did a lot of the work. Yet, I still made his mom feel like SHE was making a lot of the decisions, and doing a lot of the details, because it was important to her.
I would maybe approach your MIL and ask her for a chance to start over. Tell her you completely understand that the family health situation in the fall totally threw things off, but that you'd love to work together with her on the rehearsal dinner as an opportunity to work with her on some of the wedding stuff & a chance to get closer. Tell her you would love to hear what she is planning, and maybe offer up a few ideas on how to have it mesh with your wedding themes, so that your guests feel like it is a cohesive wedding.
At the end of the day, she is giving you a wonderful gift of a wonderful rehearsal dinner. Although it might not be 100% your taste, just remember that most guests know that the RD is given by the groom's family, so they won't really associate you with it. In fact, after my RD, my guests were telling my MIL what a great job she did... and I wanted to tell them that my husband and I did most of it!! LOL! (I didn't, of course!) So at the end of the day, focus on your wedding and making your wedding wonderful. And maybe talk to your husband and get him to see your side and why you want to at least be INVOLVED. But as your wedding day gets closer, you will be very busy with your wedding details, and it might be nice to have your FMIL to handle the RD details.
Yes, you should have some input regarding the rehearsal dinner as the bride.
BUT
Is this a battle you really want to fight? I think that as brides we get really caught up in everything, and it's understandable if you want a certain type of rehearsal dinner, but if it's causing this much friction--between you and FMIL, between you and FI, and the already difficult relationship between your family and his--is your vision really worth all that? I'd be very choosy with what you want to push for when it comes to the rehearsal dinner and otherwise take it as a blessing that there's one less thing to plan.
pick your battles...
here's my experience, which had a really positive and meaningful end. my in-laws also wanted to host the rd (and day after brunch), and not contribute to the wedding day itself. i assumed they'd tell me what to spend and i'd do all the organizing, but my mil didn't consult me on much. i did get some say--we helped choose the location and discussed the formality, and she coordinated invitations to match our invitation somewhat. i also addressed her invites for her. but, for me, being type-a controlling, etc, it was really, really hard at first to let go! i can't tell you how many times i complained...she left me out of the loop a LOT and it was really hard for me to feel excluded. but in the end, i am SO glad i did, because she and sil ended up making a lot of the details a complete surprise to me, and it was really adorable! (my husband proposed by writing "marry me" during a scrabble game, and they had a scrabble theme for the rd--cake, centerpieces, favors...adorable!).
not of course that that means that you fils will pull through in the same way, but giving them some ownership over the event will probably help smooth things over in general. i do think she should consult you over some of the main details, like venue and overall formality, but if she really adamantly wants to do it herself, staying out of the way may be best. also, it puts fewer things on your to-do list--always a good thing ;)
My FMIL is planning a BBQ and I have stayed out of it completely. In return, she hasn't bugged me at all about the wedding. She is happy planning her BBQ and hasn't given me any details but I'm fine with that because it gives her something to work on, she's paying for it, it's less stress on me AND she's happy. I made sure to put on the invite that it was hosted by my FMIL. If anyone doesn't like it they can blame her.
I agree with your Fiance that you should back off and let her plan the rehearsal dinner as she sees fit. She's paying for it and why antagonize her over the details? Also, is it worth an argument with your guy? In the end, letting her plan it her way may make her relationship with you a bit better. Good Luck!
I personally would agree with most folks here in saying you should probably let it go. For the most part, anyway.
However...
It does seem a bit rude that she isn't even giving you any details at all. I mean, does she actually want you to show up, or just guess when and where it is? That just seems stupid to me. Yes, she's taking care of everything. However, the dinner is for you and your FI, so you should be the first to know anything about it. It doesn't sound like it's going to be a suprize party or anything.
You can say you aren't worried about the plans, you just want to know what they are, so you can plan for yourself accordingly. I don't think that's too much to ask. You don't want to wait until the day before, find out the place she picked is an hour away, and that it's an early dinner because they're all booked for the evening, do you? That's just plain rude that she can't even tell you what's going on.
I think that it's up to the groom's family and that this is their dinner party given for you. Much like if I had a bday party for someone, I'd make it nice and do all of the planning and pay for it and unless it was a surprise, after I was able to nail down the arrangements - I'd let them know where and everything.
I don't think that because you are the bride that it means you are supposed to be planning and choosing every party having to do with the wedding. As the parents of the groom (who is also involved in the wedding, I believe;)) if they are going to consult it would probably be with him, anyway. And since it's his family and they are throwing the party and he is content to let her have the reins, I say let it go. I'm sure she won't have it at a Chuckie Cheese or anything and I'm sure she'll throw a great party for you and her son. Sometimes we forget that it's not just the MR and Mrs show, you know?
It seems that changing the date (I hope your Grandma is better!) caused some drama. As we've all seen on WB, some people go nuts when a family member has a wedding even 2 months before thiers, so I guess the Aunt is one of those people. I think she was a total bish about saying what she said! I could at least understand if she said 'was there any other dates available to reschedule to that aren't near my daughter's wedding date?' while offering sympathy to your Grandma, but she didn't. Perhaps she feels like you didn't take that day into consideration and could have rescheduled it for a different month? It's hard to be devil's advocate on this point since I am in the 'you only get one day' camp, but I'm trying, lol
I also agree that giving her a list of acceptable places for the rehearsal dinner was a bit much. It may have come across as controlling in a party being thrown in both of your honor but not by you. Hope that makes sense. I'd let it go and just try to start over. This is going to be your family and it seems that you FI is being a bit more sympathetic to the way they are feeling so I would take his lead.
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My wedding was supposed to be in October but due to some family tragedy *on my side*, we ended up pushing it back to this March. My fiance's family was none to happy about this and ever since have been making things very difficult/stressful: IE my mother in law not showing up to my shower, my fsil deciding to back out as a bm because her spring is just too busy & hectic, & his aunt flipping out on me because her daughter's wedding month is March and it's awfully selfish to take her spotlight just because my grandma had a stroke: that is not an exadgeration!
So anyway somehow we have mentioned to make it to this point without killing anyway (knock on wood!) and the topic of discussion lately has been the rehersal dinner. My FH parent's graciously offered to pay for this event which I sincerely appreciate and have told them so many many many times. But here is my question: am I way off base in wanting to be at least informed/consulted about were the rehersal dinner is? My ceremony venue is an old rustic barn that is in a very rural part of town and they provided me with the most common and convienent places to have the rehersal. When I gave the list to my future MIL she glanced at it and set it on the counter and just said "I think i can handle it". I let it got and waited a few weeks before bringing it up again. When I simply asked if they were having any serious considerations on where to hold it, my fmil snapped "I'm paying it for it so it's not for you to worry about". I was in shock: not only is that rude but I'm the bride- I kind of feel like I should have some say.
I talked to FI about it and he said "It's the one thing she gets total control over- just let it go. It's her dinner" but really I don't think it is "her dinner". Yes she is hosting it, but it's a dinner for FI and I? And it's a reflection on me and my wedding since my bridal party and their significant others are the guests! FI got really touchy about it and urged me just to let it go but I really feel it's my right to be invovled!
I guess I equate it to the fact that my parents paid for our entire wedding: not one dime has come from my FI and myself or his parents. It's a very generous gift: but it's just that= a gift. My parents never said "Well I;m paying for it so you are going to get married here, have your reception there, serve this meal, give out these favors, etc" .
Anyone else see my point? Or am i being bridezilla?