(Closed) Someone needs to duct tape my mouth shut.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9234 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Ooh, tough!  I’m sorry, that sounds like a difficult position to be in.  I too spent a LONG time with my sweetie before getting engaged (like 10+ years).  Only in the last couple years have I felt ready, but I was still ahead of him and had to hold my tongue similarly to you.  The key is, when he thinks about the future and marrying you, he’s got to be excited and hopeful about it in order for it to ever happen.  If you’re constantly on his case / super sad, it will become something he dreads, not looks forward to.  As hard as it is, you have to just zip your lips, enjoy your life together at the moment, and have FUN.  I know, way easier said then done.  Good luck!!!

Post # 4
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Talk to friends, google ideas for your wedding…. Find anyway to keep ur mind from nagging him… Theres a good change that within a month or two you would have the ring possably

Post # 5
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My only concern is that he isn’t sure you are the one.  For me…that speaks volumes. 

But the only advice i can give about waiting is to try and keep busy busy busy.  Focus on saving for a wedding and getting fit for that wedding dress!

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
9629 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Waffles12:   One way to learn to keep yourself under control is try to view yourself from outside yourself.  Step outside for a moment and try to see yourself from his point of view.

Think about what makes someone want to marry someone else?  Most people want a kind, loving, peaceful, calm, rational partner to spend their life with.  Are you behaving that way? 

When he’s ready to marry you, you will never have to pressure him.  He’ll be eager to do it.

He is being truthful and real with you.  Don’t let your emotions keep taking over or you will never get what you want.  You’ll only drive him away.

Make some drastic changes and engage your logical mind from now on.  Whatever you need to do to improve yourself – start doing it.  Don’t talk about it, just make concrete steps in the right direction, whatever it may be.

Fall in love with yourself and everything else will fall into place for you.

Post # 7
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Your SO is making me angry. What the heck is his problem!? How can he not know you are the one after dating for 5 years and being that you two fit perfectly together. Could you communicate with him that it really hurt you that he isn’t sure after 5 years so you are going to move out until he figures out what he wants? That way you aren’t playing house and he has to risk losing you which makes him hurry his decision up. If he really doesn’t know still have 5 years and at 31 you should consider running fast. I waisted time with a guy and not long after I left him I met my SO and 9 months into our relationship we are getting engaged any day now.

Post # 8
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is hard, and I feel for you lady. I have anxiety, and it is something that I deal with on a regular basis. Having anxiety, I think (overly) negatively about everything & I find myself in the same position as you. How I deal with it? Listen to music, it soothes my soul. I write. And I talk about what is bothering to my friends & SO. And when I talk about it to my SO, I keep away from the words marriage, etc, but instead use words like in the future, down the road, etc. Trying to show him I am thinking long term but without that BIG heavy pressure on him (marriage, etc).

Post # 9
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh honey. I don’t know if you are religious or spiritual at all but that’s what has helped me. Me and my SO have been together for 3.5 years and he wasn’t sure “how” he was “supposed” to feel for the first 2.5 years. I knew this is what we both wanted but it killed me to not shout “STOP BEING AN IDIOT!” at him. (he’s 26 and I’m 24). I was always nervous to bring the idea of marriage up and first few times I did, our conversations ended with me in tears. It got to the point about a year ago, when he started a conversation about feeling guilty after talking to women at work and thinking “I could be friends with this girl,” which led to thoughts about dating. I laid it out right there that I am willing to walk away if he wants to see if he’ll “feel” different somehow with someone else. It wasn’t even an ultimatum but I gave him that choice, because I don’t want to be stuck in the perpetual revolving door, let me in, or let me out. The sobby conversation ended with us talking about strengthening our relationship with God.

And it has worked. Our relationship has never been stronger. Don’t get me wrong I go crazy and always want to bring it up and sometimes I can’t help myself and start talking about honeymoons and rings.

Things that have helped us included him talking to a close friend who is happily married and has been for 15 years; every single pair of friends have taken the plunge, he was just the best man for his best friend’s wedding and I think that has helped him mentally. For me though, talking to close friends, and at least TRYING to do other things has helped some. Waiting sucks. Especially when family is jabbering in your ear.

We had my ring finger sized last week, and it takes everything I have not to bring up marriage stuff all the time. I feel for you though, I really do. So my best advice would be, if you are religious focus on that. If not, (do what you’re doing, and try to put on the brakes some). Stay strong Waffles12!!!!!! (btw: this is my first time post as well)!

Post # 10
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

suppose there is a product you want and you have wanted it for a long time.  one day, you go to the store to get it.  the store doesn’t have it, so you buy something else kind of like it but not the same.  you don’t like it as much but you buy it anyway and you take it home.  you can either:

a) live with it, the other product isn’t that important to you anyway

b) keep it and wish it was the other product, making sure to get upset every time that product is not what you want.

c) take it back to the store and wait for the product you really want

all three options you are in total control of.  you! you are the one in control….so choose!

 

Post # 11
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

What has helped me lately is focusing on all of the good parts of waiting… We have more free time to spend on hobbies etc bc we aren’t planning all the time, more money to spend bc we aren’t paying for a wedding, the excitement adanticipation of when and how it will happen… All of my friends are getting married around now to the point of wedding overload. When we finally get married it won’t just be another wedding in a sea of weddings. I know it’s hard, and I still get upset a few times a week, but this as helped some.

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