(Closed) SOMEONE PLEASE HELP…Should we make the children be there at our 2nd wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: Should we make all of the kids come to the wedding?
    Have all children come for the ceremony regardless of what they want. : (8 votes)
    62 %
    Let the one child out of the ceremony and allow the rest to attend. : (5 votes)
    38 %
    Don't allow any of the children to come to the ceremony. : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1023 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Forcing him to come will probably only cause more problems. I wouldn’t. I think its up to your fiance to talk to his son about what’s going on. To be honest its not all that odd to me that he’s not onboard. Its hard when parents move on, there might be other issues that come from being in a blended family, and he’s 12 (kids that age always seem to be a bit more  moody/emotional). I think he probably knows this is real, but its hard for him to deal with. From his perspective…he has no control over how his home life and family have changed…he needs space and might need more time than the others to adjust.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2144 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m not a psycholigist, but I would have to agree with Bamboo. If any of the children don’t want to be there, I wouldn’t force them. Maybe get photos or video incase down the road he’d like to see it, but having a grumpy 12 year old being held against his will is just going to put a damper on the day anyway, wedding or not lol Just give him some space. If you do anything after the wedding, I would try to include him in that though (like a dinner or anything).

    Post # 5
    Member
    2562 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Have all the kids had an opportunity to work through what they are feeling with a counsellor/psychologist?

    I think that if the psychologist you talked to has actually evaluated the situation, then you should go with their recommendation. If not I think that it might be helpful to all the kids to have an impartial 3rd party to talk to, and that person would probably be the best able to make a plan as to whether all, none, or some of the kids should be involved. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    228 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I don’t know, i think I’m the only one who is going to disagree.  I can’t imagine getting remarried w/o ALL the kids being there.  Ours are on board (or at least not vocally opposing it) and all 5 will be there.

    I wouldn’t get married any other way.  That’s why we didn’t elope.  I know that when my FI’s ex got remarried the boys weren’t too happy about it, they were around that age at the time, but their mother didn’t give them any choice and they went and that was that.  I don’t think I would offer a choice either.

    But if I knew they were THAT opposed to the marriage I’d probably hold off for a bit to get things straightened out.  Any chance you want to do that? 

    Good luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    2344 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I was 8 when my mom remarried and REALLY didn’t want to go. She invited a family friend she didn’t want to because I liked her, had my dress specially made, got my hair done at a salon even though she did her own hair that day, and got me a beautiful bouquet… all to cajole me into going. Even though I was practically dragged and seriously coerced, I can’t imagine the sadness I would feel to know that I wasn’t there. While you shouldn’t tie him up and throw him in the trunk of the car to get him there, I would try as hard as you can – or have your FI try – to get him to come. I think it will mean something down the road, and I think it does set a precedent that says, “You are wholly a part of this family, and this is a family day. There’s no opting out of family.”

    Post # 8
    Member
    1408 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    My mom remarried right before Christmas and neither his kids (3) nor my siblings or myself (3) were invited (well, no one was invited really!). It makes me sad that I missed such an important moment in my mom’s life! I think the kids should all be made to come. It cements the relationship for them and for you. The kids who doesn’t want to come may look back on it with regret years down the line if he misses it, especially if the other kids, his new siblings!, are there to experience it with you. While there are usually issues with combining two families, I think the older kid needs a firm hand. His father needs to show him that disrespect of yourself, your children, or the marriage will not be tolerated. He may come around if he likes the other kids or if the food is good. Food will win over many a cranky child! 🙂

     

    Good luck and congratulations on your pending marriage!

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