My boyfriend told me that I was not apart of his future at the moment all because I asked him a question about a house he put an offer on a month ago, which in turn got turned down last week. The question I asked him was "Why on earth would you want to waste all your hard earned money investing into a house and making changes to it, when you can go and buy a 75 thousand dollar house that already comes with brand new countertops, stainless steel appliances, and beautiful hard wood floors?" Of course he got defensive to my question, go figure. I was just trying to be wise and tell him that investing into a house is not around in these generations anymore, especially with this god awful economy. I told him to just save all that useful money for vacations and wanting to go back and finish up college. His response to my question: "Because I would rather put money into a house and then a few years down the road when I want to sell it, I will be able to get more out of it then what I paid for." I said: "You do realize that this economy is not strong enough right now for that type of thing and I dont want you to waste all the hard working money you earned and then eventually it will all be gone and youll never get it back... Why dont you just save it for important things like our future engagement you planned and let my parents butt in and just buy us a house so you wont have to worry about any debts and then we can focus on other things that we both want in our lives right now, like our future wedding and having kids down the line." In my family, it has been a traditional thing for my parents to buy a starter house. My grandparents did the same thing for my mom when she was going through her divorce with my dad and raising myself and my sister when we were little. But anyway, after I asked him that question he tells me: "Well your not apart of my future right now..." I said: "How in the hell am I not apart of your future right now?" He says: "Because right now buying this house is not your problem and it is going to be my house, and once I may buy this place, then thats when I will let you know when I am ready for you to move in here and then thats when we can decide things together on what to do with it." Well, let me just tell you when he told me I wasnt apart of his future... I balled, thinking that he meant I wasnt apart of it anymore. He did say he wasnt trying to hurt my feelings, but at least being up front about it. I just felt like if I was going to eventually live there with my 3 yr old son, then I should have a choice in this purchase of a house even if were not living together right now. He is a good person... Loyal, honest, strong, gives me lots of attention and he has told me a few times he wants to get engaged and over the past four months has been dropping hints like a mad man. He is great with my son and has stepped up tremendously for him as well. I do not know what to think about this.... Maybe you all can help me!
To be honest, I am worried that he is not planning on committing to you. If I were you I would need to sit down and have a long talk with him until I'm confident I know exactly what he means by that. Maybe he just phrases things really poorly and meant something else. But maybe he hasn't had the confidence to tell you that he doesn't want to marry you, at at all. If you are hoping for marriage, you need to know for sure if he's not even considering it.
ETA: How long have the two of you been together? I just assumed it has been many years, but if it's been, say, less than two, he just might not have reached the point of commitment yet.
Seems to me that your relationship isnt as serious as you believe it is. I would let him do his thing and make his own decisions (and you do the same) until you both agree on the seriousness of your relationship i.e. engaged.
He is telling you in no uncertain terms that he doesn't think you're the one. Instead, you're his Right Now girl, the one he is with until he finds the one, or is ready to look for the one. I'm not sure what sorts of hints he has dropped, but was it maybe possible that you misinterpreted some things?
You have a child, and he deserves a stable family life. That does not include you waiting around on someone who obviously doesn't take your opinions into account and isn't going to marry you.
If the two of you have been together long enough for you to have joined a wedding forum, then chances are you've been together long enough for him to know one way or the other about you. And he has obviously decided you aren't it for him. It sucks, it's sad, but it happens to all of us at one point or another, and when it does, it frees us up to meet the person we ARE supposed to marry.
Honestly, I don't think there's much to decode. He's a guy and doesn't consider you guys serious right now. He wants to buy a house (and there is no better time than right now with houses at such low prices) and get his life sorted out before he feels ready to commit totally. You guys are not married or engaged, so you really don't have a say in whether he buys a house or not. I also think it's really irresponsible to spend that money on vacations and expect your parents to buy you a house (whether that's the tradition or not).
You may or may not be the one for him, that's hard to tell with not knowing you guys. Some guys want to feel like they can take care of a wife before they will commit. My husband was that way... he would not propose until he felt financially stable.
I am afraid that it isn't a particularly good sign. I would be preparing for an eventual moving-on.
@WhiteWedding: Thank you for typing everything I was going too:)
I agree with PPs that he may not be so committed to you. But I also want to bring up another possibility. Men are often very concerned about being the provider and take a lot of pride in their financial stability and strength. I can understand how it was probably emasulating for him to hear you say that he can't afford to buy a good enough house and he should just let your parents take care of it. His reaction may have been an immature defensive response to being hurt by your comments.
My advice: Wait for things to calm down. Then go to him and apologize for what you said. After that, tell him that your concerned about what he said and ask him to talk about the future.
WOW. A decision like purchasing a house is a big one.
I don't necessarily agree with you about buying a completely renovated house even in this economy or the fact that buying a house now is not an investment (it's cheaper to renovate yourself, especially if you have the money and have a certain style, and even in this economy, you can flip a house and make money just by investing in some renovations and if the economy turns around like it seems like it's doing, he might be right about buying a house right now). However, it is a decision the two of you should be making together, if you're on the same page on where your future is.
How long have you two been dating? Have you discussed timelines before? Like, when you plan on getting engaged and when you plan on moving in together?
I don't like that he makes it seem like this relationship will be dictated by HIS timeline alone. When "he's" ready for you to move in, etc. It should be a decision the two of you make together.
The PPs have pretty much summed it up. He may have intimated to you about a potential engagement but his reaction to your questions told how he really feels. He's not ready yet. I personally found your comments to him as condescending ("you do realize..."). Basically you told him what he should be doing with his money. I don't think any person would want someone telling them how to spend their money, especially when they aren't engaged/married. How long have you two been together? Do you live together? Also, the comment about your parents buying you two your first house may have rubbed him the wrong way. It may be common and traditional for you and your family but he may not want to go down that route and have his first house paid for with his own hard-earned money, not your parents'.
Thanks guys! OHHH he is absolutely sure about me! :) He has told me he would like to get the house first and then go from there and that was around the time he said what were all talking about right now. He just wants to get things going... Last week he told me on the phone... "You dont think I do not think about getting things going for us everyday?" He IS absolutely a commited man... Loves my son dearly and I do believe he is trying really hard to focus on himself before he starts anything else like whitewedding said. He is in no form of immature. I am 26 he is 29. He is one of those strong silent types where he doesnt like to talk about much, lol. He is a very simple man. Very responsible and even helps me out at my house sometimes when I do not ask him to, i.e. dishes and folding laundry. Hes even cooked me dinner as well. I have never been this lucky in my life to be honest. And speaking of me when I mentioned what he said about buying this house and going from there, he started talking about babies, lol... So I know hes ready.
@Mswaitingbee: I think you are in denial when you say that you don't understand what he meant. He is not planning on his future being with you. If he was looking for what would be your collective future home, he would be giving weight to your preferences and expectation. This is his house for his future. It is a really difficult position to be in, yes, but not difficult to understand what he is saying.
You seem to have different spending styles, which may make it difficult for him to see a future with you. He's got his doubts, and he's made that clear. You should ask him what is holding him back regarding your future together; maybe he's put off that you'd rather see him spend his money on an engagement and wedding than a house, and he's concerned that you'll fight over money once married. Anyway I would ask him to explain why he's got misgivings, and see if those topics are something you can work on, or if he's just generally not emotionally invested in the relationship.
nothing to "decode". he said you are not a part of his future. what he means is you are not a part of his future. move on or stick around. you decide.
@Mswaitingbee: Right, it doesn't seem to ME like he's saying that you're not "the one" right now. But, I just think that what he's saying is that he runs the show. That's what I dislike about it. He shouldn't be the one running the show, even if it's not your money and you're not engaged or married now, if one day you will be. I think his comment about you not being a part of his future right now means that right now, you're his girlfriend, not wife or fiance, and thus, you have less say in the decisions he makes. I just don't like that you need a title to have some weight in his life-altering decisions.
@Mswaitingbee: Perhaps no one is understanding the question. I am curious why you posted this since apparently you already know what he meant. ALL of these bees said the same thing about your question, which you clearly don't believe. I hope for your sake that you are right and everyone else is wrong.
We have been together for 2 years and lived together for a year. And now we are not living together because this past april I dumped him because he was making too big of a deal over little nit picking things, and I just could not deal with it anymore. But 5 months later, we are back together and he gets it now. Weve had long serious conversations when we got back together that he was going to try harder and really focus on what makes me happy... And so far he has done it. I know you all are just trying to help and I know you dont know us like I know him, lol... But Over the past four months he has dropped hints like in my other posts about "Oh there goes your xmas surprise this year" Because over the summer I sold my promise ring he bought me because I didnt think we would be getting back together and I didnt want to see it anymore and was trying to move on... But apprently, I was numb and needed him back in my life. Hes my best friend and I love him to death. He basically told me when we got back together that "Sometimes its hard teaching an old dog new tricks lol"
I don't *necessarily* take it to mean that he doesn't see you in his future, but more that he's saying that right now, he's making his own decisions (eg. buying this house) and it's not a "we" decision.
I do think it also can mean that he hasn't necessarily committed in his mind to a long-term future with you. He's basically saying that your relationship isn't at a "joint-decisions" stage and that he didn't like your input. And no....even if you and your son may eventually live there, you don't really get a say in a house he's thinking of purchasing. He may ask your opinion, sure, but he's not obligated to at this stage (it sounds like to me).
And yes, I think he could have felt very hurt by the things you said. You said he shouldn't "waste" his hard earned money buying a house but rather going on vacations? Um....most people would disagree with you on that one. And as a PP said, it's VERY emasculating for you to say that your parents will buy a house.
Considering all this, and all that PPs have said....I think the least you need to do is back-off a bit, reassess the situation and have a honest conversation with him about where you see the relationship going vs. where he sees it going.
He said that he has a debt on his credit card right now and that he is on a major budget. A couple months ago he did tell me to be patient with a gleaming twinkle in his eye about a ring.
@cdncinnamongirl: I really honestly believe you have hit the nail on the head, lol.
we have discussed a timeline... he has told me after our two year mark we will discuss engagement... But our breakup really set him back and hes had to start over financially again.
1. You're wrong about the house. Now is the perfect time to buy a home because interest rates are at historic lows. I could go into a long-winded explanation on why the economy will pick up, but I won't bore you.
2. Listen to your man. I would sit him down and ask him to explain exactly what he meant by his comment because it doesn't sound good at all for your future. Men typically say what they mean and his words sound like you are not The One.
@Mswaitingbee: Perhaps he is trying to buy a house before your parents try to buy you a starter home? I know I don't have a great relationship with my FILs and absolutely would not wnat to live in a house they had purchased. Just like when parents pay for a wedding, there are often many, many strings attached.
I also think it may be the way you are asking the question, its a big too agreessive to just say "why on earth... waste your money..." It's a very negative way to ask the question rather than having a calm conversation about it.
@Mswaitingbee: Ahhh, you two broke up before! Sounds like he's saying that right now, you two are still feeling things out and making sure you guys are right for each other. When he decides that things are right and he's emotionally ready to move on to the next step with you (because he's probably still hurt from the breakup), then you will have a say in things. I don't think he's ready to just pick up where you two left off and it has set you both back in your relationship.
Just let things cool off and let him make his own decisions with his money until the two of you are at a stage in your relationship where you're ready to move on to the next step - engagement/living together, etc.
I don't think its wrong that he's trying to invest on a house right now. Many people I know are buying now. Years from now, when economy picks up, their homes will be worth more, so actually he is being smart about it.
Maybe to him having your parents buy your first starter home is not a good idea. I know my husband wouldn't like it, he'll feel like he'll owe my parents forever. He's a man and a man wants to feel like he can provide for his family.
I don't think he meant to be mean by saying you're not part of his future right now. He's focusing on one thing at a time. You will be his future. He probably doesn't like someone telling him what to do when he's doing a big purchase like this. Let him decide. You'll be part of his life, I'm sure. One thing at a time.
Don't jump to conclusions. You said he has hinted to you that he wants to get engaged. That's a good sign. I'm being optimistic, hope everything works well.
This is not a good sign. 16 months ago my FI then boyfriend decided to buy a new car. We werent even talking about getting married or enaged but he asked me to go look at the car before he purchased, a jaguar. He then hemmed and hawed over the price considering another car that was the same as his old one an explorer. I told him my opinion didnt matter but what did matter was that he was happy about his purchase with no regrets. I have a daughter he gave up buying a 2 seater convertable car for a 4 seater, but in the end he didnt buy the other explorer was considering because I told him he deserved a nice car for working hard and the 4 door was a fine family car. He made me go look at the car and have it driven for him before he bought it, and consulted me on the price and financing.To me it didnt matter because I did not have that commitment, but it mattered to him because though we hadnt talked about it he'd made the decision in his head to commit.This is the mindset of a man who is committed he asks you because its a big purchase which in the end will belong to both of you not just him.
The point here is this a man that wants to commit wont have to be told to consider you in his big purchases, he'll do it automatically. Like my fiance who bought an XF rather than an XK, and I supported him in that rather than a new explorer because it works fine as a family car and he got his dream loud machine. He asked me because I was in his minds picture of the future and so was my daughter.
@futuremrsk18: Yes! Buttttt he isnt hurt anymore. He is fine, lol. But trust me... He is nowhere near the stage of wanting to make me his right now girl... He has a couple things he wants to do before he makes any big decisions. We are fine :)
I am very confused. I've read your previous posts and from what I'm reading he's a great guy who's been an awesome father figure in your sons life and you have the same interests and goals in life. He's told you he wants to get married, "you're the one" and had a proposal in motion. I don't know him, you or your situation but from what info you're sharing with us heres my take...
I think him telling you that "Your not apart of my future right now" is his way of telling you to back off with the pressure. Your previous posts indicate that you're a very very impatient waiting bee who's biological clock is ringing very loud in your ear. You want a 2nd child in the worst way and want to get engaged/married a.s.a.p. His "future right now" could be 3 -6 months while he trys to buy his house and you took it as 3-6 years. I believe what ever he tells says you seem to take it to the extreme and communication could be lacking.
If my boyfriend told me "Why on earth would you want to waste all your hard earned money investing into a house and making changes to it, when you can go and buy a 75 thousand dollar house that already comes with brand new countertops, stainless steel appliances, and beautiful hard wood floors?" I'd be defensive too and I might say the same thing. What if he WANTS to do his own home improvement and make his home HIS and not a cookie cutter home like every house in the neighborhood?
You should go back and read some of your posts as if you were a stranger. Some of the things you've said to him makes me think you're pressuring him and you should let him propose in his own way on his time. I hope things work out for you the way you want but please take a step back.
@dewingedpixie: This!!! 100,000% You said it better than anyone.
@SamanthaLovesJames: Yeah, he has told me to just let things be for right now, and wants to go day to day at the moment.
@Mswaitingbee: see us women, we can multitask and do so many things at once. It's different for a man, he's one step at a time, think things threw. Some may disagree with me, but I'm older, been there done that. Telling you from experience. Good luck hun!
Don't expect an engagement any time soon. Men don't act like that, and don't speak with that, when a ring is forthcoming. I could be wrong but I think at the moment he's just not into it :(
Can I gently suggest that in the future you try to hold off on moving your son in with any guy when you are not in a more stable, long-term relationship just yet.
If you are going to live with a boyfriend and your son under the same roof, make sure it's a fiance or at least the SUPER serious type of boyfriend you wouldn't leave due to annoyances like nitpicking. It's just not a good enough reason to destabilize your child's home life! He will have a much better future if you make home a stable, safe, and more predictable place. I'm sure your son is your whole world and you want want is best for him, above and beyond any relationship you could have. It's tough but when you find the right guy he will be willing to commit to you and your child before he brings you into his home :)
@SamanthaLovesJames: hahaha! Thanks... I have a tendancy to confuse people, one of the qualities my boyfriend has to deal with! lol. Sorry girls! But Its hard typing so much on a post since it is 10 at night where I live and I am getting sleepy, lol. But thanks Samantha... He has always ALWAYS been a man of his word! When he tells me hes going to call, he calls me four or five times a day :) So, he is in no means of a man to jerk me around. Sorry again to everyone else, lol.
I actually dont think what he said is a bad thing. If anything I would appreciate a man who isn't going to sit around and wait for your parents to buy him a home but he is mapping out his own life. You broke up with him once and it could happen again so right now he is planning on his future. That doesn't mean he isn't planning on you and your son being a part of it.
He has also told me in the next six to eight months and we will see about engagement stuff... He told me maybe once I am done with this semester of college which I will be graduating next august. This house thing is just a really big priority to him right now. I do appreciate him a lot because of the past relationships I have been in and a couple of them were abusive. Hes the first guy in my life to ever treat me like I am his partner. I do feel lucky to have him in my sons life, because my son doesnt see his real dad at all. My boyfriend plays with him all the time, loves on him, takes him to the zoo and does everything a dad should. I think you are all just as confused as I am and maybe thats my best bet is to sit him down and ask him where this is going, lol.
@Mswaitingbee: I think everyone is confused because we don't understand what you're asking us to decode.
I think investing in houses can be great. Buy a house, fix it up, and sell it right away or years down the road. My DH does it for a living and despite the economy we still make a lot of money from it. If I told him his plans and ideas were not smart, he wouldn't have started his own company at 19 and we wouldn't be living debt free in a beautiful home right now.
But either way, I don't think he is wrong for wanting to earn his house instead of having it handed over to him by yor parents. A lot of the men I know find comfort in being able to do things like that.
@Mswaitingbee: If you're fine and you don't think that what he said is him questioning your future, why are you here asking this question?
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